A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 32 and my wife is 28. My wife and a good friend of mine (male friend) are good friends. I think it would be safe to say that they are best friends (which is totally okay by me). My friends say I'm crazy to "be okay" with this. I disagree, but need other opinions. My friends say that because my wife is very good looking, I shouldn't be okay with her being good friends with another guy. He and my wife do some thing alone together like a movie once in a while, dinner, dancing, working-out, etc., and again, I'm okay with this, but keep getting negative feedback from my friends (most, not all). Am I wrong to allow him and my wife to have this friendship and to do the things that they do? Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): I think this is weird, I think your good friend is hanging around you both hoping to get your wife's left over crumbs, and yeah maybe her being very good looking is keeping him around...as they both may be that shallow....I would not like it that they go do things together without you....it is not right, it is a triangulation of your relationship...she is sharing some date like intimate moments with him and not you, people have only so much emotional energy and time and when they split that off into a threesome it makes the relationships between the primary pair split off....maybe you all have some problems in relating to each other that you are not made aware of because you off load that to "her friend"....this is a slippery slope, have a talk with her, agree to only letting her see him when you are in the room and he goes home in an hour or two, no stay overs, long weekends unless he brings his own date.....that is what I would do if I were in your shoes....and I would try and do more of those date like activities just the two of you....you need time alone to bond with each other more.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): But...I am open to more advice, suggestions, etc. Thank you!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): Wow! I didn't think I'd get this many responses. Thank you to all! You all make great points. I think that I'm going to stick with TELLULAH's advice. Not saying that the other advice wasn't good...you all made great points. I know what one of you (actually a few of you) meant when you said if you were friends with a good looking girl, you'd want to get in her in bed as soon as possible. I also know that women (including my wife), married or not, are attracted to other guys other than their husband. To me, those are normal feelings. I guess I have to accept that risk. I do respect their friendship (my wife's and the friend) and think I'll probably just let it be. But, again, I appreciate all of the great advice, so thank you!
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male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (11 January 2008):
 Collaroy makes a great point and I have to echo what he said. If I were this guy dating your wife and seeing as she is very attractive, I too would be doing everything in my power to get her in bed. I'm not just being the devil's advocate; I'm saying it like it is for any normal any guy with testosterone around a beautiful woman. Unless this guy is a eunuch or gay he's got a definite hard-on for your wife. Please don’t believe his dick is limp when they dance together.
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (11 January 2008):
 A lot of people just cannot accept a heterosexual guy girl friendship when one is already taken. And generally for good reason, at some stage in the friendship they will have had too much to drink, you might have had a wee argument or whatever and who knows what will happen.
Having said that there are many instances where these types of relationships are perfectly normal. Only you can decide this, and if you are uncomfortable then say so.
I still suspect the guy's motivations here. If I was a single guy I really wouldnt be able to have a platonic relationship with a good looking married woman, it just wouldnt work - it would be too frustrating.
But different strokes for different folks I guess.
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female
reader, hello1  +, writes (10 January 2008):
 Personally I would be so jealous if my b/f had a close girl freind and was doing all these things with her and not me. If you trust her then that's okay, but you never know what may happen...you two could have an argument, she goes to her boy mate and they get drunk then have sex! it could happen.
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (10 January 2008):
 Just because she is friends with the guy, does not mean she is having sex with him. That would be automatically asuming that she has no feelings for you what-so-ever.
If she is going out with him often,(more often than you are comfortable about) then tell her. Ask her not to make it to much of a habbit.
I was best mates with my partner for 9 years and nothing happened, because we were with other people. We only ended up together because our previous relationships went wrong. That was nothing to do with with us being friends it was to do with our overbearing partners, with no trust.
My advice is to go with your gut feeling, and if you think there is nothing to worry about then dont!
XX
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male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (10 January 2008):
Red flags are popping up and sirens are blaring here. Red alert! Red alert!
I’m going to tell you straight out my friend….your wife is CHEATING on you. And I know from personal experience that having sex alone is not what cheating is all about. Your wife is giving personal loving time with him that she should be having with you. Why aren’t you going to the movies with her? Why don’t you work out with her occasionally? Dinner dates and dancing? That should be strictly between you and her! I’m not being a prude here…these are the rules of marriage I’m talking about. You got married to each other to be with each other exclusively. Don’t you feel like she’s using you? You are paying for her home and well-being while she is out having fun with this other guy. He gets the cake….you get the bill. Why are you letting this happen?
And I am not talking about sex here, but still, by allowing her to go out with him, being the attractive women she is, you are playing the dangerous game of consenting her to have so much time with him that sex, even if it hasn’t happened yet, is inevitable. But if you ask me they are probably already getting sexual with each other. You have described dates they have between them that intimate couples have, not friends.
I’m not saying she should not go out on her own and have friends and socialize outside of you, but her Best friend should NOT be a member of the opposite sex plain and simple. This guy is intruding on your territory and I would personally set him straight if I were you. You are acting like a cuckold allowing this relationship to flourish like it has. The minute you put that ring on her finger all friendships with members of the opposite sex should be put aside. Again, this is what marriage is all about! She of course should expect the same from you and not have and close female friends.
If I were you I’d make her choose right now. Him or me sweetheart. Make her make a choice. Her relationship with this guy has to end and you have to take a stand as her husband and stop being a wimp. If she chooses to still go out with him she is choosing you over her. Not Good! That is unacceptable. For me these are terms for breakup and divorce.
But if you are willing to live with it, as you already are, be willing to see them having sex …as friends of course.
But if you are willing to live with it, as you already are, be willing to see them having sex …as friends of course. At the very least make sure she is on the pill and put a few condoms in her purse. If she’s going to play this game she might as well do it safe.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): Well its nice to be happy happy happy about all of this - very noble and all that but you only have to read the many many posts on this website about people 'suddenly' falling in love with their best friend (of the opposite sex) and 'oh no how to tell their partner' to know that it is of course a possibility. Sadly my experience of my husbands friends has been that the minute his back is turned they come knocking on the door. In 3 years I had 2 of them make a serious pass at me. I told my husband because I think it is an insult to us as a couple and also I don't believe they are friends of ours to do that. So... yes its all down to trust and the fact you are both friends with him bodes well - its not just her male friend who doesn't have anything to do with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): Talk to her about your concerns - if she gets defensive then start worrying - You have a right to be wary - how would she feel if you wined and dined a female friend????
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reader, TELLULAH +, writes (10 January 2008):
Hi,
My Boyfriend has quite a few mates that I am trusted with. He knows that I love him and wouldnt go down that path. I often meet them for drinks without him, while he is sailing. One of them has recently become single, he is nice looking with a great job, and is getting rather clingy towards me. But I truly love my partner and would never hurt him.
Its all about trust, and the person you are trusting. And lets face it if she wanted to jump into bed with him, she would anyway.
I wouldnt worry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): It all depends on the strength of your relationship with your wife. Would she cheat if she had the chance? Does she see her best friend as anything other than just a friend? Would the friend try to make a move on her? If he did, would she accept the invitation? If she made a move on him would he succumb?
No doubt there are other questions I could throw up, but if the answer to these questions is a definite 'no' then I don't see a problem with it.
I have a female friend. She's currently single. She's not a best friend or anything like that. I don't fancy her at all in a sexual way, and although I can't read her mind I doubt that she sees me in a sexual way either. She isn't that bad looking, has a cracking pair of legs and has an amazing figure for her age (and she's 10 years younger than me), and she looks darned good in a swimsuit. My partner knows her well and they are also friends.
This summer my friend and I plan to go off sailing in my yacht for about a week and my partner is quite at ease with it. There will be little or no privacy, and in all probability we'll be seeing a lot of each other in little more than our birthday suits. There may be some temptation to 'cross the line' but I have no wish to jeopardise what I have with my partner, and I doubt if my friend would wish to jeopardise her friendship with my partner either.
It's all a matter of trust and self-control. If you have the former and they have the latter, I don't see a problem.
Phil
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reader, Reebe +, writes (10 January 2008):
 Hi
Ask her about it, or suggest if she minds if you hang out with them sometimes, if she says she doesn't mind then she has nothing to hide, go out with them and judge how they are together.
My best friend is male (totally platonic) and my boyfriend has a few friends that are girls that he hangs out with.
It's all about trust and if you trust her whats the problem?
You know your wife better then anyone so if your not worried why should anyone else be?
I think some people would be worried that she would cheat on you, but IF she was to cheat she's more likely to do so if you say who she can and can't hang out with.
I hope this helps.
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female
reader, robynnex +, writes (10 January 2008):
 i dont think theres anything wrong with that. my best friend is a guy.
you wouldnt worry if she went to the movies or dinner or dancing with a girl why worry if its a guy . there just friends even if he did like her at the end of the day shes coming home to you.
guys and girls can be friends with liking each other.
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male
reader, emad khan  +, writes (10 January 2008):
 You're a pretty open guy, and thats cool...however, in all honesty, it is dangerous. the situation is delicate. You absolutely need to avoid being jealous, and basically trust your wife, and best friend. Ultimately, if things are going well in the relationship, then you don't have anything to worry about.
But...do you consider yourself your wifes best friend? does she consider you her best friend? Thats what I'm worried about here. Because, ultimately, if you guys are in it for the long hall, you really should have that level of closeness.
What you can't do, is tell your wife not to be friends with the other guy.
Communication, conversation, and closeness, if I'm not mistaken, is really what
is important to most women. You have to ask yourself if you have this with her.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 January 2008):
 A home cannot have a threesome.You are courting danger in your marriage by allowing a wolves in sheep's clothing into your home.Today he is your friend, tomorrow, he can be a wolves.Love, lust and emotions are strong feelings and can burn out of control like a bush fire.
Some day you will learn to regret this action of allowing your wife to have a very close male company.Your wife is a human being and someday when you and she have problems , you will drive her into the arms of her best friend.It could also be loneliness,sexual chemistry , your unconcern or her perceived lack of your love for her.
You have a time bomb in your home.
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (10 January 2008):
 No, it is not OK. Seems odd to me.
For your friend to say it is also odd, he is trying to tell you something.
-Frank B Kermit
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