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Do you think he’s basically telling me to leave?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 February 2019) 8 Answers - (Newest, 19 February 2019)
A female United States age 22-25, *isGirl0516 writes:

So last night my S/O and I got into an argument. We were at walmart leaving and our daughter stopped to whine about getting some gumballs so I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking and accidentally bumped into the entrance doors of the walmart and it sort of unhinged from the sliding part, anyways he starts going off on me telling me wow now another thing we have to worry about, and he kept making me faces. I felt bad as it was because it was honestly an accident and he made me feel terrible about it. I told him well those types of things happen all the time, and he was like yeah i hope so, if not then its another thing i have to worry about. I cried the whole way home, and when we got home we didnt speak. I called my mom, because we live 12 hours from home in another state due to his job, and she just said for me to come home, that I didnt need to be taking his crap. I really think he overreacted. Hes the only person I have in this small town and it just seems like besides the door theres something else, I feel like he may not want me here anymore and he cant find a way to tell me. I told him I was going to leave and he said, well if youre not happy, and he shrugged his shoulders. He said seems like you and your mom have it figured out so if you want to go then go. To me thats saying enough, anybody that cared about their S/O would try to talk or stop them and he just seems to be looking for the easy way out to me. Can someone tell me what they think please, I feel like at the end of the day I'm just scared to leave because I know I'm stable with him, I guess I'm just scared I wont make it on my own.

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A female reader, Sweet Dreamer xxx United Kingdom +, writes (19 February 2019):

Sweet Dreamer xxx agony auntI have to agree with your mother, you should not be taking this type of abuse. It clearly was an accident, who would purposely go into a door? Relating back to the issue, I do not think it matters what he thinks, What does matter is your feelings.

How do you feel about him? Is he the type of guy you dreamed about growing up? I find the best way to consider your feelings for someone is to ask yourself this question. If your daughter was dating a guy like him would you be happy for her or concerned?

It is difficult to picture the unknown, but you should not worry about being alone. Personally I think that is better than being with someone that makes you feel terrible. As for your question I don't think he cares the way you hope he does, if he is not willing to fight for you then why are you willing to fight for him. If you want to try to make it work I'd suggest taking a break at home for a while and see how the situation works out but if I was in your position I would leave.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2019):

You must leave him.He is an abusive jerk.Your daughter is watching your relationship.She now thinks being emotionally abused is normal.When she grows up and gets into a relationship she will end up with a abuser because in her mind that is normal.That is what you are doing to this child.Stop being so selfish and leave this man.After you leave get therapy for yourself and your daughter to try and undo the damage that has been done.Do not date for a long time and focus just on your daughter.You have let her down so far but now it is time to change that.You can do this...You are strong.Always put your child first.

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A female reader, MSA United States +, writes (19 February 2019):

MSA agony auntI can't help but wonder... is he the main person supporting you and your daughter? Do you have a full time job and bring in as much of the money as he does?

I see this a lot in couples.. the one bringing in less income is usually the one having to compromise or settle, because 'he takes care of me financially'.

I have a full time job and make more than my SO.. he knows I can up and leave anytime.. so he is cautious during arguments, and at the same time, we both try to refrain from saying things we regret or acting too out of control. I will give him a lot of credit that he never yells or curses at me... never in all the years we've been together. However, I do see a lot of his male friends mistreat the woman because they know she relies on their care and income.. which is wrong, and I wish all women can be stronger and take a stand and a job so they can be equals.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (18 February 2019):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntUltimately, it seems like you both moved this relationship too far, too fast. You've got a child, moved 12 hours from home and are still so young.

I'm sorry; I know you'll probably get defensive about your age and maturity, but you're both showing signs of being in a relationship that's too "adult" for both of you - which would be fine if you didn't have a daughter. Neither of you seem to be able to communicate properly and you (immaturely?) cried all the way home because he was being childish and petty.

It seems as though this relationship has reached it's end and this just made it clearer. I truly am sorry, but I think your mum is right that you should move home. Empty threats mean nothing, but he doesn't seem to be fussed anyway.

You've grown up together, but you grew up too fast with having your daughter so young - as wonderful as she is. She's tied you to someone who you weren't meant to stay with - which many would have advised you against before pregnancy because very few stay with childhood sweethearts, as you naturally grow apart when you mature.

That's all hindsight now, but I hope you can see it - just so you can understand where we're coming from about age and maturity; you're where you should be at your age, but your relationship was too serious for the two of you to handle successfully.

Either way, he is being unfair and potentially verbally abusive, so I think you should gather your things and move back home. It's time to truly take on the adult responsibility of finding your own way once you get back to your family. Good luck :)

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 February 2019):

Honeypie agony auntDoes he want you to leave? I'm not sure, might be that he just doesn't know WHAT to do, what to say. I think he knows you would rather listen to your mom at this point than him. He has admitted defeat.

However, he doesn't exactly sound like you leaving is going to bother you much. Did he never mention your daughter in all this?

If nothing else, maybe a bit of distance will get you both talking again, OR moving forward together or separately.

I don't think I would stay either if my husband talked to me like that.

How you walking into a door at Walmart is something for him to WORRY about, I don't get. Unless Walmart wants you to pay for the door. Accidents happen. If he was really worried about you, he has a rather crappy way of showing it.

If you DO decide to leave. MAKE SURE!! that you get all the important papers pertaining to you and your daughter (if she moves with you), any keepsakes you want to keep, valuables that are YOURS etc. And as SOON as you get to your mom's (if that is where you plan to stay) GO look for a job and daycare. Child support from him and possibly food-stamps if you qualify.

You two are both young and I think not great at communicating. You can't read his mind, he can't read yours, so either sit down and talk (without the crying) or pack up and move home.

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A female reader, HisGirl0516 United States +, writes (18 February 2019):

HisGirl0516 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Same thing I thought. We have been together almost 7 years, and I just feel like there’s not much here anymore aside from our daughter. We’re just very much used to each other. I do love him, we’ve grown up with each other and have a beautiful daughter together how can I not love him, but I need to love myself too at this point. And after analyzing yes I can make it, I am just comfortable where I am and that’s not a good enough reason to stay here. It’s not fair to him or myself or our child.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (18 February 2019):

Could it be he didn't take you seriously about leaving and just called your bluff? Handing-out idle-threats and citing ultimatums you won't carry-out will eventually immunize your S/O to your scare-tactics.

He was also annoyed you took your business to your mother; who immediately took your side. If you do that a lot; you'll put distance between you as a couple. Running to your mother to report abuse only upsets her; it makes no sense to alarm your family, if you intend to remain in the abusive-situation. Your mother sits there worrying for you; while you only call to give her even more for her and your father to worry about. Make a decision.

When you have a guy's kid outside of marriage; there will be many tough decisions you'll have to make. Should he decide to just take a walk; or if he relocates under the premises of taking a job out-of-town. If he separates you from your family and support-systems; it may his way of isolating you in order to control you. Taking a job out-of-town might have been a way of trying to distance himself from his responsibilities; but instead, you decided you'd relocate with him. Plan foiled! If he asked you to come along; seems marriage should have come first, or soon afterward.

You had a kid at a very young age; but this guy hasn't offered to marry you. This leaves the open-question whether he's there for his child, or the both of you? Maybe he feels trapped and he's just tolerating the relationship.

In any case, that was no-way to talk to you. It was an accident, and he should have been more concerned if you or your daughter were hurt. He said it was just one more thing to worry about; so that's a hint he's tired (or overwhelmed) of the burden of supporting a young-family and other responsibilities. If he said it unapologetically, how else could you take it?

If he has the unmitigated-gall and audacity to shrug-off the possibility of you leaving and taking his daughter with you; perhaps leaving this abusive situation is whats best, as your mother suggested.

If he wants both you and your daughter, maybe he'll get a job closer to the place you feel more at-home. Maybe he might consider taking the next step. If he's your age, a family may have come prematurely; and he's not mature enough to deal with it all.

Do what's best for you and your daughter; according to your own heart, my dear. You don't deserve being isolated and feeling unwanted and verbally-abused by someone who shrugs-off the threat that you could leave him. Even the thought would scare me to lose my family!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (18 February 2019):

N91 agony auntI think he would of fought more if he had deep feelings. Sounds like this relationship may have run it’s course. Not just from his side but the fact you describe the situation as ‘stable’. Do you actually love the guy? Settling for somebody because you’re scared of not being able to cope on your own is no way to live.

Of course you could make it, why wouldn’t you? You could live at home, get a job back there and save for your own place. Tell us how you wouldn’t be able to cope?

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