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Do relationships between escorts/customers ever realistically work? Especially when the once retired escort goes back to work for financial reasons? Please give me some advice guys...

Tagged as: Big Questions, Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 May 2010) 10 Answers - (Newest, 1 July 2012)
A female Aruba age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am a 30 year old woman who for most of her life has worked as an escort. I started when I was quite young and as I was a single mother, I welcomed the added finance. What I didn't realise was how quickly it would turn into a lifestyle, almost a kind of addiction. Before I knew it I was hooked on the fast cash that was to be made, and for a long time just looked at life like a big party. I didn't need to care to much about money, as there was always more to be made, and very easily.

I went to college and got a degree, even a few other qualifications, but what I wasn't doing was working in regular jobs and gaining the experience that employers want to see on a CV. To make matters worse, I have felony convictions from when I was a juvenile (although this was during a very troubled part of my youth, it still shows up on a CRB check). This has made finding regular work almost impossible.

To cut a long story short, I actually last year got into a regular job, and ended up moving in with a guy I'd met as a customer. We quickly ended up getting together, even though I always said I'd never get involved with someone I'd met that way, he offered me his spare room to rent, and things went from there..I was at a fairly low point having been threatened by criminals for protection money, so at that point I was just desperate to get out of the whole scene and back into normality. But nobody told me how hard that would be.

During my time as an escort, I developed a very negative outlook on men, almost a disgust at their bestial sexuality, and the way they so readily lied to and deceived their wives and girlfriends. With this came an inherent distrust of men, and I can honestly say that the only relationship I've had which contained complete trust was with a female.

Anyhow, I decided I liked this guy, but it quickly became obvious he had been a fairly regular user of escorts, and I could never put this out of my mind. What made me absoloutely sick was when I went online and saw that he had written a review of an encounter he had with an escort, just before he met up with me.

What disgusted me was that he was saying how wonderful she was, and that he would recommend her and see her again. It was like all the stuff he said to me when he first met me, and I just found it gross to pay someone to screw you then write about it online afterwards. He only posted one (that I know of) and when I asked him he told me that he only wrote it because she asked him to, but I think it weird that somebody with a high profile job would take the risk of posting something like that online, as they are surely traceable.

I have always thought of the guys that post online reviews as hobbyists...that is habitual users. And my question is this...once a guy in his mid thirties has gotten used to using escorts, does that ever realistically stop because they enter a relationship?

My guy has paid for oriental girls, white girls, 2 girl services...If you've been used to such variety would you ever be content with just one woman? He told me he loved me and that he's not done it since we got together, and that he'd never done it whilst in a relationship, but he's in his mid 30's and his longest serious relationship lasted just a year.

He's been using escorts I would guess for about 10 years prior to us meeting last year. Throughout our relationship, I have never fully been able to feel the trust that should be there. I care for him very much, but I can't get over that review..to me it's just such a bad sign, and I know them all. He just said it was only one review, and only posted because the girl asked him to...but it just ticks all the wrong boxes.

He also speaks with a very de-personalised attitude towards sex and relationships in general..he was always saying that he thought prostitution should be legalised and that people should be more adult about it. Often when he says something, it sounds just too much like a customer talking for it to be healthy! Like when he talked about a 2 girl service he had, and he described them as being too "robotic", but then went on to say that he really enjoyed a 2 girl service with 2 Thai girls because it was a great laugh and they were really "into" each other.. how the hell does a guy who's into that ever stop?

He says he hasn't used escorts since we got together,and said that he can't afford it due to repairs he has to do on his house, but I don't know whether or not to believe it..

I lost my regular job last year, and ended up back on welfare...things were very tight, whereas he is in a very well paid job. I tried hard to find another, but was getting absoloutely nowhere.

I told him straight that I wanted to go back to escorting, as I was really struggling financially, and because we are now in different countries, the travel costs to go see each other really add up. I am also studying for a professional qualification in the country where he lives, which I started when I thought I would be staying there.. He said that he didn't want me to go back to escorting, but wouldn't ever condemn me if I did.

In any case, I am now back working in escorting, and he just says that all the time it's going on he just doesn't want to hear about it.

My main question is that given the way this realtionship started (prostitute/customer) is there really a future? He said that he always viewed his meetings with escorts as business transactions, and that if both parties enjoyed it then it was a bonus. He seems to have a very strange view of women who work in the sex industry...he initially told me when I said I wanted to go back to work that I shouldn't do it because I didn't enjoy it?! I think he honestly thinks women are in that line of business because they like to be.

He also says some very strange things which I find weird in a loving partner..like he once told me that if he ever got married he would make sure he did so in a country where pre-nuptial agreements were recognised (they are not here), he also told me that he wants to settle down, and that if I went back to escorting I could find myself in a situation where I hit 40 and was all on my own...but he went to a friend's engagement party last year, and the first thing he did when he got back was to call an escort (he said because he was depressed because he was the only one of his buddies that hadn't settled down yet)..

I just don't know what to do with this situation...it is far from healthy, and although I care for this person, I was always told that relationships that begin in the way ours did just don't work...what do you think? He expects me very much to fit in with his life, as he is having a new house built and wants me to move there with him, and is also having a new appartment built in Prague. Unfortunately, that doesn't fit at all with my life ambitions and plans..plus I have a child and a much less favourable economic situation than he does...please help guys, what should I do?

View related questions: ambition, depressed, different countries, escort, money

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A female reader, Blessing1 United States +, writes (1 July 2012):

Wow just read your story.

Your story sound as similar as Mine.

Guess most of life. Meet a guy on line while I was working. I have been together for almost 3 yrs now.

He has a high profile job. I have been sad a lot later. Like I want to died. Can't find a job, yes I have a felony when I was in my youth years. I was for something silly. I just want to change.

I don't want to go back and escort. I used to make money. The money was not a issue. It was soul I felt really bad. I use to cry a lot. I am in college now. It like so new to me learning all over again. Just a little sad now. I don't really trust my dude.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010):

Can this type of relationship work? I believe it can. From what you have written, can yours work? I don't think so. As you mentioned in your last post, the negatives clearly outweight the positives, not to mention the trust issues.

I wish you all the best on things working out!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

As regards, the question by lazy guy, will being together make our lives better..well let's think about that..

Positives:

1)We enjoy each others company to a certain extent

2)We get on well, and have a lot of affection between us

Negatives:

1)The way we met is an issue...and it will always be there.It's hardly very healthy...especially when you think that it's a job I hate, and an activity that he clearly enjoys like most people enjoy calling out for a takeaway..he even wrote that he enjoys it on the internet in a review.

2)There is a lack of trust...particularly on my side, and most likely on his as well...trust is fundamental to a good relationship.

3)This whole thing has caused me much more pain and insecurity than happiness...this is not what a relationship should be about.

4)We both clearly have issues..whereas I am open and honest about mine, he is a closed book...I still feel there is a lot that I do not know.

5)We live in different countries now..another big complication

6)He is very self-focused (and so am I, plus I also have a child)...his plans are made around himself, mine are made around me and my child..not a good example of teamwork

CONCLUSION: This is going nowhere, it is a nightmare which should never have started. He is not a bad person, but this is just not healthy for anyone. The thing I must now do is to learn to be independent, and focus on building a decent life for me and my child..and that means saying goodbye to the sex industry, and all people that work in it/ use it..otherwise I will never move forward.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Oh...and just in case you thought my head couldn't get any more messed up, I am also starting to honestly question my own sexuality..as I previously said, the only relationship I ever had where I felt happy and trusting was with a woman..If things were ok between me and men, then I surely wouldn't still have a longing inside me for women, would I ?

Thanks to both Ryan and lazyguy for your help with this...sometimes I think my sanity is hanging by a thread. I have past problems with alcohol and drugs, and have begun drinking again very heavily recently...I guess that is what comes with getting involved in such a messed up lifestyle.

If I can't do something to sort myself out, especially the trainwreck that is my head, then I do not see a bright future...

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (23 May 2010):

LazyGuy agony auntFrom your recent response, doesn't it sound like he has become suspicious of women in general? Maybe he was always like that and that is why he pays for sex, so he knows what the bill is going to be or maybe that has made him belief that all a woman could want from him is money.

Your own negative view of men, could this lead to you accepting a man who tells you in your face that he might/will continue to go to escorts if you two get serious? Because few women would be willing to accept that. It is after all just cheating.

A relationship at its most basic is an arrangement between two people who agree to share part of their live together because they think it is better. That they will be happier/more content with the other then they would be without him/her.

Is that the case for the two of you?

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A male reader, RyanS United Kingdom +, writes (23 May 2010):

RyanS agony auntThis is one of the toughest questions on this board I have faced, probably because I can't relate closely with your experiences and his outlook on women.

Okay, let me summarize my thoughts here: If you feel the guy will continue to meet other escorts for variety (behind your back or openly), and if that will hurt you, then its best to stay away from this relationship. The more we love a person, the more hurt we get when the expectation/trust is broken.

I feel your best solution (if its possible) will be to have a guy who has never used escort services, as he will see you like any other woman (the complete package, including bad moods, periods, head aches, etc) rather than the ever-smiling/pleasing escort. Once you have such a guy, you can truly blow him away with your love and experience. He will feel lucky.

I have tried to see things from your view. Hope it helps.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for your answer lazy guy, and everyone else. I accept to start escorting was such a stupid move, but I was young and had moved in with a guy who wouldn't work, and wouldn't claim welfare. Looking back it was the stupidest thing I ever did, but as regards me getting pregnant that was also when I was very young and stupid, and living a crazy life. I regret becoming a hooker, but I don't think my bf regrets using them. He talks with much fondness about the hookers he has met..he seems to think it's all good fun, which is strange, because at the age he is you would think he would know more about the risks involved with using/ or working in those services. For example, although he used hookers for many years, he never had a sexual health check before. He just told me that because they are professional girls, he doesn't think there is a risk. This to me is nuts, because he was doing things with them like kissing, and giving/receiving unprotected oral sex..which can all spread disease.I got tested last year and I was fine, and he was supposed to do the same, but he never did.

Also, he is in quite a high profile job, and could be in serious trouble if any of this was discovered, yet he has compromised himself by posting on the websites from his home PC, and giving the girls his real name and phone number etc. I once said to him that I could never know for sure whether he would stop using hookers, and he agreed with me. I care for this person very much, but there is something VERY fundamental that is missing. I just get the feeling that his main concern is making sure a woman dosn't run off with his money.

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (22 May 2010):

LazyGuy agony auntHard to say, relationships that work out after all rarely get publicity. You wouldn't get an pair like you two going on Oprah if they didn't have troubles, why would they?

But if you read your story, you can see plenty of reasons why a relationship, any relationship would be hard for either one of you with a "normal" person. Let alone you two together making it.

You say it yourself, your job has given you a bad view of men which seems unfair since it was you that got pregnant, you that couldn't just work a normal job and you that got hooked on the easy money. And no, I am not trying to judge you, but trying to point out that you claim to have a negative view of men over decisions you made yourself.

Now, could something similar occur to him? A lot of men who use hookers, feel bad about it and instead of loathing themselves, they loath women instead. How does he view the fact that he had to pay for you? Has to pay for sex in general? As you describe him, it seems clear he is not totally happy with his life as it is.

So, you got two people resenting the choices they made in a relationship that comes from those same choices. Does that sound like a marriage made in heaven?

What I am missing is here is the sign that the two of you want each other. He seems to have enough cash, hookers ain't cheap, but he ain't spending it on you? What does that say? Surely he is used to paying for sex but not for a relationship? If you are thinking of marrying a woman, that includes sharing the income as a family. Not as a live in hooker/cleaner.

And at the same time, you claim you have other dreams you want to accomplish that do not include living with him.

So he doesn't want a wife and you don't want a husband.

It sounds to me like you are both reaching the age where the clock starts ticking but still not willing to let go of what you thought your life was going to be like. Odd relationships can work but not when both people don't really want to be in it.

"Unfortunately, that doesn't fit at all with my life ambitions and plans"

And these are what? Going back to being a hooker at 35?

Time to decide what to do, you are getting a bit to old to just go on your back because the rent is due. That is not going to work out for much longer. I am not saying you have to settle down with the first guy because else you will be homeless but it might be down to take a long hard look at your life.

What is it that you want to do and what of this is realistic? That is the hardest part of getting older, realizing that taking stock of your life is less going after your dreams and more going after what is the best you can still accomplish.

Do you want to be with this guy or don't you? And does he really want to be with you, or is he just getting fed up and looks for a woman who is desperate enough to think he is a catch? Because a lot of men might not want an escort for a wife, but not many women would want him either.

Be careful you don't settle because you are afraid of the future in a relationship were you two end up resenting each other for your own failures.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the responses. I get what you say Ryan, but the thing is, how do you define a "pro in sex"? Surely these guys that use escorts are used to getting such a variety of women and services and that is part of the thrill? Having been in the industry, I don't believe that someone who can get whatever, or whoever they want with just a phonecall is going to stop just because they get with someone. If it's an older guy who lacks sexual comfort, then ok I could understand, but I think when it's a younger guy then it's more complicated...he's gotten used to doing that, just like most people call out for a pizza

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A male reader, RyanS United Kingdom +, writes (21 May 2010):

RyanS agony auntThanks for sharing. Yes, the way the picture is painted, all girls in the sex industry are there loving it, which in not true.

I have known a top model and she said that she wants to be with a guy who can see and love her without all make up; still like her when she is sneezing with cold and there's hardly anything sexy about her at that point.

I agree with that view, because a bf/husband is very different from a client in your business. I believe men visit escorts because their wives are not giving them love or sexual satisfaction. You must be a pro in sex, so you can take care of all his needs as a man. I don't see why he should visit escorts once he is with you.

Now coming to you, please choose to be with him if you like/love him and not because he is able to help you financially. Decisions made under financial pressure often cut happiness in the longer run. There will be guys who will be happy to be with you for whatever you are. Be with him if you like him and not for the house/money. You could still earn some and live a smaller-scale life with freedom to follow your life goals.

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