| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I am so thankful that I finally got out of an abusive relationship I was in. He was emotionally abusive, for example he would get very angry if i didn't smoke or drink or sleep with him, he never respected me, and there's really so much more. And I know that my ex fiance abusing me wasn't my fault. But, I'm having a hard time figuring out and forgiving myself for some of the things I did while I was with him, either I was reacting to his abuse or trying to defend myself. He would say that we aruged too much, but everytime we argued it was because I was standing up for myself. It's ironic how after I broke up with him he said that was the one thing he liked about me (how I stood up for myself). Which is weird, because he always cut me down. Anyway, the things that I did were for example tear up notes and cards I gave him (when i was trying to break up with him and he just sat there a booked his next vacation), and sometimes pictures of us. One time while I was trying to rip up a picture of us he grabbed my arms and restrained me so that I had bruises on my arms. Throughout our relationship he would get me so scared and mad when he would bang the wall or my dashboard and yell at me (usually about money), that a few times I cussed at him. And one time we got in a huge fight because he didn't want me going to my hometown with him saying I didn't have the money to and that he wanted to hang out at a bar without me with a bunch of girls that were half his age that he claimed were his friends. It's funny, cuz I didn't even have the money to pay for our groceries and went into big time debt that I'm still trying to get out of because he said he woulnd't go into debt for me. (He's 10 years older, runs his own business and has a lot of money, but yet was asking me to help pay his mortgage on his house he has owned for 10 years before he met me). I worked 10 hours a day, but it wasn't enough money and i was trying to make a career in real estate because i gave up my teaching job back home cuz he made me believe i didn't make enough. Anyway, so I packed up my stuff and stepped out of the RV we were living in in his backyard and he locked me out-but i didn't realize my keys and purse were still in there. So, i knocked and knocked and finally got so angry I threw something over and over at his window and broke it. My question is, how did I become like this? Was it because I couldn't take his abuse any longer? Was I in the wrong? Because it's hard to get over the abusive relationship as it is,and if it was my fault too, it's even harder. I mean, he never actually broke my belongings, but he threatened to long before i ever broke his window (that i of course paid for to repair). He would always take my keys if I tried to leave during an arugment and even blocked the driveway with his car and threw my phone in the yard. I know I'm not completely innocent, but who is more wrong, me or him? Because i never put my hand on him, and he put his hands on me twice-the last time the weekend before i broke up with him when he didn't want to resolve an issue before we went to bed-how he was disrespecful to me by checking out girls in front of me and how he said he would continue because i made a big deal out of it). So i called him a f-ing slut and he picked me up and tried to shove me out of his RV. I know i gave a lot of info, and the sad part is, i am leaving a lot of what he did out of it, but i just need reassurance and need to know that yeah, i should have controlled my temper, but i was merely reacting to his abuse. I mean, one night he told me he was going to make my night a living hell because i wouldn't eat what he cooked b/c i had no appetite, and sure enough he turned the TV up loud and kept the lights on in our bedroom til i talked to him. It's funny cuz sometimes he would say i was depressed, but i truly think it was because i was with him. he never thought he did anything wrong, or if he apologized he said i was just as wrong. he always said our reltionship would be fine if i just didn't make a big deal out of little things-like my opinions and feelings. he wouldn't let me talk about what was bothering me. Do people who are abused begin to lash out at their partners b/c they can't stand the abuse anymore? Was it my fault those things I did?
View related questions:
broke up, debt, depressed, emotionally abusive, fiance, money, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): Don't beat yourself up over any reaction you had to your ex's abusive controlling behavior. No one know's what it's like to have your self esteem & self worth chipped away by an abusive partner until they find themselves in this situation. You did the best you could at the time.. when you were feeling fragile and uncertain as they make you feel your values feelings and opinions don't matter.
I just removed myself from a situation that sounded familar. I am educated have a loving famliy and a great long term loving marriage 14years (my husband died from cancer) So, who would have thought I'd fall for someone who would verbally then physically attack me? I still can't openly admit to family what this jerk did to me. Quit frankly I think my father would put him in his grave just knowing he did this to me after losing my husband... etc.
Abuser's are controllers.. it starts out subtle or it did for me. There are red flags warnings whenyou look back I am certain you can say this too.
1. Began by asking my whereabouts .. and calling constantly
2. Seemed to doubt my time frame on how long it took me to do xyz - which totally puzzled me
3. Call me when you get home, etc. which made me feel "oh isn't that sweet he's concerned about me"
4. too much attention paid to the relationship & unsual amount of time focused on "us"
5. Seemed to be annoyed by my sons baseball schedule
(remember he wanted me all to himself)
6. questioning my decisions on most everything
(giving me room for self doubt then I'd feel unsure and ask him more what he thought)
He must have felt my distain or lack of cooperation when be asked questions... so he would back off and be prince charming.
Let me tell you this man is smooth he knows exactly how to reel you in.. and make you doubt your self worth your own decisions, judgment, etc.
In the end this relationship had drained me the good times were far and few between.. there was a lack of trust on both our parts.. seems everything he accused me of he was actually doing. He verbally attacked me all the time, stupid, C*&^, Whore, Bitch seemed to be his favorite. I was told that I was self absorbed ego maniac. Which anyone that knows me would say .. WHAT? He made fun of my late husband did not like the fact that we still mentioned him on holidays, his birthday, etc.(my son & I) or that I openly admitted I still loved him. Death is different than divorce it's allowed I would tell him. I always told him that I had room in my heart to love more than one man and losing my husband had opened my eyes to this. Finally he began acting in threatning manner charging at me, pushing me, shoving me into the wall and pulled my hair when I was trying to defend myself he was screaming shut up shut up. I honestly thought he could kill me at that point. Such rage his eyes would even change he looked like a monster. But the monster could control this never doing this in front of my son or when he was home.. nor in front of anyone else. So,that tells you it's a calculated anger directed squarely at you.
I acted out too.... destroying things and throwing emotional fits sick all the time in bed with headaches you name it. Telling all friends what he had done..you name it. They all look at you like your crazy because these guys would never let the real world see this behavior. So, don't beat yourself up.. you are hurting and you have a right to express that within reason. Now I refuse to even use his name if anyone ask me what happened I tell them point blank it's over and I'd prefer they never mention his name to me again. If they keep on I just don't visit with them anymore! I have a right to move on and as long as the monster has a name it's real.
I have taken back my life my POWER and my ability to LOVE. I am working on self love, forgivness, and understanding so that I won't carry this baggage into another relationship.
I had a beautiful loving fun marriage and I will have that again... We can create a beautiful life by learning a lesson and then releasing the ugliness and sorrow of it all into the universe.
Close this chapter on your life, and when your mind drifts back to it stop yourself .. close the door and move on. This will all seem like a blip on the screen of your life one day! You are beautiful, You are loved, and You will be happy! This is YOUR life now go live it!
God Bless & Good Luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): Well done for extricating yourself from an abusive relationship. Don't give yourself a hard time about getting angry with him. Everyone has their limits and he pushed you to yours. I think it could be classed as 'cumulative provocation'! I myself have shouted and sworn at my ex boyfriend out of frustration because he was such an emotional bully however this behaviour is completely out of character for me. Even the most placid person will eventually have to let all the frustration out. Personally I think smashing something of his is better than harming your own body, which is what some people end up doing. Personally I wish I'd slapped my ex boyfriend's face a few times but it's too late now! Don't worry about it anymore just be glad you got away from him. I have a friend who is the gentlest kindest etc woman and her ex partner played with her mind so much she ended up bashing his steering wheel beating it out of frustration and bruised all her hands and arms but he drove her to that by being nasty to her. Now she is away from him she is calm again and happy. Just my thoughts and experiences. I hope you feel ok. Manipulative men can have a very strange effect on women.
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (11 February 2008):
First of all I want to say that I know how you feel as ive had a very similar experience, and secondly I think its great you found the strength to leave- you should be so proud :)
You are not wrong. You were reacting to his abuse. I think you put up for so long with so much abuse that it all just became to much and you reached breaking point (which is what someone else here said). Everyone has a breaking point at which they will burst if they put up with too much.
You were scared and most likly trying to defend yourself by yelling and so on. Perhaps you were trying to intimidate him just as much as he intimidated and made you scared?
Dont beat yourself up about how you behaved though. Just keep in mind that if someone ever abuses you again, dont put up with it for so long that you will reach a breaking point.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (11 February 2008):
 It is not your fault but the fault is , you were at the wrong place, wrong time and with the wrong man.
Most men respect a woman who can stand up to them. A woman who lets her man abuses them do not get the respect and admiration of the man ,the abuses will increased instead.The women continue to let their husbands or b/f's abuse them.Whose fault do you say it is ?
Most woman are born pleaser's and so they take it without any resistance until they cannot take it any more and cried out.By then the men are already fully developed into a full blown monster .
Being abused can have it's limit of endurance. No two person have the same limits. Once they crossed that line, they will lashed out in pain or they try to commit suicide or self inflict pain or they can become insane or they go berserk!
There is an article I wrote here...;-
http://www.pinksuzie.com/2007/08/09/depression-kills/
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 February 2008):
 I think RCN has given very good advice. I agree with his post, except in one point.
I know it takes two to maintain a fight, and I know it would have been best if you stayed out of this cycle of violence. However, I also need to say that this is much, much more easily said than done. Sometimes you're not in a vicious circle, but in a vicious maelstrom. You were not living in normal circumstances, but with a person who would never be reasonable and wouldn't do an effort to improve the relationship and restrain himself so HE wouldn't be violent with you. And he was severely abusing you. You did wrong, but I understand why. That doesn't mean we should not point it out, like RCN is doing.
The next time you meet someone, don't let him abuse you like your ex did. Be on the alert, and go away if you think things are starting to get out of control. That way, you won't be drawn into this kind of problems.
My heart is with you. Take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, Moviefan  +, writes (11 February 2008):
 Yeah that a common reaction to someone that has been abused. There is always a breaking point with anything in this world, even the human mind. Once it reaches that point you will begin to do things that are odd for you in attempt to make things change. You were constantly being abused so you couldnt take it anymore and you did the only thing you could think of. And that was to do the same to him in hopes of him reacting diffrently.
And this is why its common for people who are abused to do the same to others. Buts it even then can be controlled and the person who is being abused can look at it and learn from it as i did. I wasnt really abused that badly but my moms boyfriend didnt treat me so well. He would just emotionally attack me and wouldnt not touch me knowing that i would call the police on him. But it has made me nices instead of the opposite.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 February 2008):
 First I want you to know you should be proud of yourself for getting out of that situation. It takes real courage and strength to realize that's not a place you want to be and change it.
Now lets not judge who's more wrong. You're either wrong of your not. That would be like someone cheating and saying "I only put it half in so you should only be half mad." I don't think it works that way.
You may not like all the answers here, but remember, you're out of that situation so your new life starts now, and you have the power to build it any way you choose.
...............................
|
