A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi,A girl I met at uni a year ago now are really good friends. Last month I asked her out but she said that she just wants to be friends and that is all that she wants from me. So just now she is seeing someone. Her flatmates don't understand why she is seeing him and can't understand why she wouldn't go out with me. However it is up to her. Anyway I asked to meet her for lunch today before the xmas holidays and we got talking. It turns out that she will be going abroad for a year on a placement so she thinks it would be best to break up with the guy. She then mentioned that he was admitted to hospital with liver failure because he became an alcoholic. I have tried to move on from her; but every day I keep thinking about her, what would be happening now if I was dating her etc. I don't know if it is worth it holding back and waiting to see what happens and maybe asking her out again. For her xmas present I got her a lovely box of chocolates which she adored.Anyway I sit here right now typing this message and wonder to myself: "Why would she rather be with someone who was an alcoholic and still drinks considerable volumes of alcohol each week than someone who actually cares for her, asks how her family are doing, walks her home at night, picks her up from the train station."Does anyone have any advice on what I should do?Maybe it is true that nice guys finish last....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): Do you think you could be confusing 'arrogance for confidence'? I've seen nice guys with zero confidence, and nice guys With confidence. The later always seems to have a girlfriend... And I'd like to say a word for woman who are beautiful on the inside, but are lacking in skills to beautify their outward appearance. (of course, if they're happy with themselves the way they are, then good) But it takes a Real man to see inner beauty, and if she's open to a total body makeover (careful how you bring it up-I personally would think it's fun), then you could have the best of both worlds.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 December 2008):
 Fade, I will take those, too :-).
Something is missing here. The poster can be a good guy, and I won't dispute that. But the girl didn't refuse to have something with him because he isn't nice. Being nice does not guarantee you will get the girl. Being mean doesn't guarantee anything, either. It is very clear that the girl has some professional objectives, which, by the way, are perfectly legitimate to pursue, and she does not have the time to long-term commitments such as the one the poster wanted. Because, granted, a good guy doesn't want the girl for a week or so (and let's underline the "so"), but for longer. And she doesn't have that time.
She did something perfectly legitimate. She said "no" to someone who wanted her, which is her right, and then she accepted some presents, which were not meant to make her say "yes" to the poster's intentions.
That is why I say he is lucky. He would have been dumped by now, and would be heartbroken. She was honest and direct from the very start. Unrequited love hurts, but honesty is a good policy, and she was honest.
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A
female
reader, kitty_3  +, writes (18 December 2008):
 Honestly, it beats me. Maybe she'll come back from her year abroad and relize what a catch you are, but in the meantime, you should try to find girls who appreciate you more.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (17 December 2008):
What about my chocolates?
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (17 December 2008):
 I couldn't agree with the previous answer more...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): To all the NICE GUYS out there I want to say PLEASE dont change who you are just to get a girl.
There are two types of girls. Ones with self respect and ones without.
The ones with self respect will look for men who treat them well, ones without self respect put up with abuse and being treated like crap because there is something wrong with THEM not you.
Women who lack self respect and date bad guys will never be partner material until they learn how to love and value themselves first.
Its so true that you cannot truely love or be loved unless you first love yourself.
I know this because for years I dated 'bad boy's'.
I didn't do this conciously just made a series of bad decisions and put up with some terrible behaviour.
One day I just had enough so I dumped my cheating bf of 8 years, re enroled in uni to study nursing, recontacted all my friends, started to re introduce hobbies and basically got a life.
I finally realised im intelligent, attractive and have a lot to offer. basically I value myself now.
4 months ago I met a NICE guy and im so in love with him its not funny. I will do anything to make him happy and ensure he feels loved. He is 32 and im his FIRST girlfriend. It shocks me that he has never had a girlfriend becuase he is wonderful. And it really does make me wonder why us girls do it to ourselves.
Dont give up hope. There are nice girls out there who are hoping there are still nice guys around. When you find one she will treat you like your the most important person in the world. And rightly so.
Good luck :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): Well, I don't think nice guys finish last. In fact, in the end they can come out on top, with time and patience. The nice guys are the ones that get quickly recognized as being ideal for quality, long term relationships. The biggest reason many women never choose the 'nice guy' is mainly due to her own lack of common sense and discernment in choosing a good man, who isa good for her life. A lot of women who date bad boys can be very naive. I think to many of these women, the bad boys seem fun, brash and desirable but they're too 'blinded' to recognize that these 'bad boys' make crappy bf's/partners. These gals haven't learned, yet, to discern that true love entails respect, honor and trust. Some discriminate quickly and some never do. For some females, it takes some women many tortuous years of dating/marrying a bad guy to realize her bad boy's big, monumental personality change, is not just around the corner. Meanwhile, she keeps allowing him wipe his boots off, on her..over and over again.
So take heart. There's nothing wrong with the nice guy-you are just simply infatuated with a woman who simply-likes to date a jerk. Let her have the jerk. My recommendation to you...hold out for the right girl and don't change who you are. You will recognize her when you meet her. If a woman won't date you because you are nice and you do treat women with respect, then it's her loss, isn't it? . Move on to the next one.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (17 December 2008):
 This reminds me of 15 odd years ago when I was dating a nice guy as you put it. I put him in the friend's category after a few months but still took his gifts, cards, xmas presents that followed. Still knew he would call, care, take me out etc.
One day, he never called.....and for the last so many years I have regreted being so awful! I lost big time! And I still wish I could go back in time and have him as a husband. xxxx
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (17 December 2008):
I guess you got lucky on this one. If she had been with you, YOU would be the one being dumped, no matter what organs of yours were failing. Go have fun, meet someone else, et cetera.
I'm not your girl (and I'm straight) but I could use that box of chocolates.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): i wish i could find nice guy may not goodlooking,not perfect with some social skills.all the guys i like rejcted me and i spend years after suffering and crying whild they don,t care.they go nighclubbing and new girlfriend every week .i lucky if i get 1 don,t 2 or 3 which would be nice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): Wow. To the anon male that made the "Accepting the opening bid of friendship" analogy.
That is perfect.
Absolutely profound.
Anyone suffering from "nice guy syndrome" should memorize your answer word for word.
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A
male
reader, Kagami +, writes (17 December 2008):
It's not that nice guys finish last it's that she doesn't think you have a specific trait she's looking for. It could be simply that she's not really that attracted to you. If the other guys an alcoholic with liver damage and still has her then he must (sorry to say) rocking her world in bed. It seems like one of those situations where she likes the TREATMENT but would rather have HIM give her that treatment. Now have you ever asked her flat mates if you're such a catch why don't THEY date you? Nice guys usually get pushed on to the next girl and no one seems to want them for themselves. It's not the guy who is the nicest who gets the girl it's the one who catches her interest and attention. She's not going to be upfront with you since you're too nice for her to hurt on purpose. Leave her as is and do your own thing. Don't hope too much but possibly after a few screw over’s she'll see that a nice guy is what she needs to be dating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): Heres what I have experienced. Yes, nice guys finish last. But they do finish eventually. Nice guys are the marrying type. When girls finally get around to dating and actually sleeping with a nice guy, its because they are ready to marry and have children. Most young women these days like to get their rocks off with all the players and bad boy types first before settling down with a husband. After they've had their fill of excitement, and sexual adventure, they'll come to you and want you to provide them with a home and financial security and take care of their kids. Once they've got you and a ring on their finger, they won't have to worry about their figure anymore so excercise and diet will go out the window.Once they get bored with the sex, that will go out the window too. Unless of course they want another child. Forget trying to get someone who's dating all the bad boys.Find someone who values you enough to want a nice guy from the start. They are out apparently somewhere.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): Hi there.
It goes something like this.
You are the man (goods). Her opening bid for you is friendship. You accepted opening bid. Without uttering a word you have said you are not mating material.
SOLD to the woman in the red.
You agreed your price. Go figure what your worth.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Ed1337 +, writes (17 December 2008):
 Sadly i'm starting to think that nice guys do always come last :-( I met this great girl and we dated for a couple of weeks, she thought I was a great guy. Then her ex decided he wanted to get back together with her, this guy already messed her around 6 months ago and hurt her feelings, but she couldn't decide who to be with, so I had to walk away.
I'm considering changing the person I am, maybe if I act like a jerk then I will have more luck.
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