A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I need your help. My mother in law complains that i dont call her enough. But i dont feel compelled to call her often because when i call she wll be finding fault with me all the time. Either i have not done this or that corectly. Recently i found out sh has been communicating with my husband's ex.the ex then calls my husband boasting that she knows all that goes on in our relationship and says she knows his mum does not like me and chides my husband on why he is with me when i am not liked by his family.she knows how much money we have sent my mother in law, when we have called her, she has all the details,we have realised The issue is not about the calls as my MIL claims, but she feels i should be giving her more money. So she now thinks if she can push back my husband's ex she wll get more money because she will have helped her get back and she will feel obliged to give her money and any of her demands. I have been a good daughter in law to her and we always give her teh best we can but she is always demanding more and does not appreciate what we give. Now i have not called her for a month but i feel i really must call her but i just can't find the strength. My husband and i have an excellent relationship. He calls his mother always but she never asks about me. What shall i do? Call her and say what? Pretend all is well? She will start asking me why i was not calling and i don't want to cause problems by having a confrontation with her about my husband's ex At the same time i feel its not good for me not to be communicating with her for this long. And i know when we meet, it will be an issue
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (30 October 2012):
 Honestly, try calling your MIL once a week or once every two weeks - make it short and without giving her any details of what is going on in your life.
When she asks you a question pertaining to your marriage turn it around on her in the "sweetest" manner you can and ask her something about HER life (in actuality get her to talk about herself - even if it means she will harp on you) then you can excuse yourself when you get tired of listening to her and not call her back for a week.
"kill her with kindness" is the best way to deal with drama-llamas like your MIL.
And if it doesn't work.. talk to your husband and ask him what he thinks you should do.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (30 October 2012):
 It seems that you have nailed down the motives of your MIL ans his EX pretty well. On the other hand having the MIL on your side should be your goal. You should not have to pay her to support you. Call her on a regular schedule, but do not accept abuse from her. First remind her that you are not like the EX. Your husband left the ex, and is with you because you are not like her. If that doesn't work tell her that you will not listen to abuse and end the call until the next scheduled call.
I am summing that her language to you is hurtful and abusive, based on your statement that you can't work up the nerve to call her. perhaps it would be better if you and your husband called her together.
If she can't communicate with you without being abusive you will have to cut her out of your life no matter how desirable her help and friendship would be.
FA
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