A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Has anyone done research about whether men or women are more likely to have one-night stands, flings, or other meaningless relationships?I am a man and I have never had a one night stand. None of the men I know well enough to ask about this have either. However, almost every woman I know has at some point. This is anecdotal, of course.I am not sure if it is because of opportunity (women can find a man to have sex with pretty much whenever they desire it) or some other reason, but my feeling is that women are much more likely to have casual sex than men (on average) and view it as less of a big deal than men do. Even the men I know who have been with a lot of women tended to "date" them for a period of a month or so or maybe slept once with a friend or some acquaintance they knew. Women seem much more likely to have sleep with total strangers (or people they barely know).What's the truth about this? Is it true that woman are more likely to have one night stands and that they see this as less of a big deal than many men do? I even had a female friend in college tell me she gave a blowjob to a guy she didn't know in a limo after a party. Yes, there is a 1:1 ratio of partners in each act, but my perception is that there are a lot of man-sluts bedding more than "their share" of women and women more than willing to give it up "no strings attached." If true, is this about more about attitudes towards sex or opportunity?
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female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (25 June 2011):
i think men are more likely to have more one stands than women because women get to emotionally attached more easily than men.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011):
If the premise is that "No. They often get involved in one night stands because they make wrong assumptions based on the wrong premises" then are you implying here that women are a lot more naive about sex and relationships than men are?
I maybe could buy that, but why should women be any more naive than men? Based on the conversations I have had with women I do not believe they are naive at all. They attempt to use sex as a tool to hook men or feel better about themselves. I don't notice a lot of women really upset at what transpired in their past.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): Okay Cindy. Retroactive jealousy is usually the undercurrent in these topics so I jumped right to it.
However I find my partner's habit of "mistaken" casual sex to be hardly any less objectionable than if she was having intentional casual sex. And I think most men agree with me about this. Mistakes that are habitually repeated are not accidental.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2011):
 Anon male, I don't quite get your point. Of course you are entitled to look for a "normal" non promiscuous wife or any kind of wife you like . If you don't like promiscuos girls, that's fine - I don't like man whores myself.
But the question had nothing to do with future wives or RJ etc. It was : it is true that women are more inclined to one night stands and they take them more lightly ?
My ( obviously personal ) opinion was : No. They often get involved in one night stands because they make wrong assumptions based on the wrong premises.
It's an explanation - not a justification.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): Cindy, if women are naturally supposed to connect sex and feelings, then naturally men would expect women to understand why a woman's past promiscuity is hurting her man so much. She is not acting like a natural female should act in regards to sex. That would not sit right with a normal man looking for a normal wife.
But this isn't what happens. Women tend to point to that female stereotype whenever it defends them, and angrily attack it whenever it does not.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 June 2011):
Maybe I did not make myself clear enough:
If I ,as I am now and with the (life,not only sexual ) experience I have now, would decide to do something hazardous etc. - it would NOT be accidental. It WOULD be on purpose.
If I were a teenager,or in my early 20s, with the so common problems of insecurity, poor self esteem, need for male validation, peer and media pressure, disproportionate weight given to relationships or lack of the same,...probably yes, I would be dumb enough to believe that the way to a man's heart is through his penis, and most of all, to believe that , if he wants to have sex with me, then he must like me, he must be into me and want to see me again, right ?, otherwise why would he want to bone me if he does not even like me. Very common mistake , and one which some times gets corrected after the first try, and some times... it takes a bit more.
Which does not surprise me. In a way, it IS hard to accept that some (several ? ) men can dissociate so easily between liking the person and liking the sensation, and that they don't need to particularly like you or appreciate you to want to do things to your body.
I guess it is kind of counter-intuitive for a woman. I have been aware of this dissociation since many, many years,- and it still find it sort of amazing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): CindyCares said,
"If I should do something hazardous or questionable, it would be because, WTF, I have decided to do something hazardous or questionable,- so sue me."
No I would not want to sue that person. But I will treat then like someone who likes doing those "accidental" things. I will hold them accountable for doing those things on purpose if they do it more than 1 or 2 times. If you keep repeating the same "mistake" over and over again then it is clearly serving some purpose that you like.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 Who cares, really?
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (23 June 2011):
 'So, when a woman tells you she's slept with 50 men, she might be telling you the truth, but she doesn't mention the 75 others she gave oral sex with, or didn't sleep with.
When a man tells you he's slept with 150 partners, he means to include everyone who gave him a hand job as well as every saw his penis even if just in the mirror.'
Truer words may never have been said.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 June 2011):
Don't be so sure about it , anon male, it is not so either / or. What you say makes sense, but remember that an addiction to wishful thinking is very powerful, and hard to dispose of. And for drawing upon experience, you first have to accumulate that experience , and often one lesson is not enough.
Now , I am a seasoned old fox, as you probably are too, it's not so easy to pull the wool over my eyes ( or yours I guess ).
. If I should do something hazardous or questionable, it would be because, WTF, I have decided to do something hazardous or questionable,- so sue me.
But, just peruse Dear Cupid a bit and see the loads of optimistic people who only see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear.
Who take literally things like " We are only together for the kids ",- or " I love you only , all the others mean nothing to me ".
They will take literally also " I felt sooo connected to you the moment I saw you " or " Of course I am not looking just for sex " ... and they'll draw ,in total good faith ,the wrong inferences.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): So women are "accidentally" having more one night stands than men?
Whatever. I call bullshit on that. If you don't want to have one night stands then you won't have them. They are almost always pretty easy to avoid. If you have more than 1 or 2 in your entire lifetime then you are choosing to do it. Just don't sleep with people too quickly and one night stands will virtually never happen to you.
Everybody has that one friend who "accidentally" gets too wasted every weekend and makes a total ass of themselves. Same principle. They always call it an accident because they don't want to take responsibility for their choices.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 June 2011):
I agree with sexlessintheuk.
It's not that women are more appreciative of one nighters than men,au contraire ; it's just that they, especially if young and insecure, are much more likely to incur in unintentional one nighters , i.e. they assume ( often foolishly, OK ) that the encounter it's the first step in a budding romance, while it was meant as a wham-slam-thank you ma'am.
Generally, when a woman decide to become intimate with a man the first time, it's because she thinks or hopes there may be a second, a third etc. When this does not happen,
yes, for some , I'd say many, girls it IS a big deal, but... what do you want them to do ? slash their wrists ?
cover their head with ashes?.... Wisely, they just...write to Dear Cupid, then go merrily on with their life .
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): "The only thing I can tell you is that the average number of sex partners is greater for men than women".This is mathematically impossible unless all those guys are sleeping with other men! Assuming the men are sleeping with woman, the averages have to equal the identical number. The truth of the matter is men inflate and women deflate their true numbers.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): Numbers don't lie.
People do.
In studies, it appears that men have around twice as many sexual partners as women do.
Statisticians have looked at a lot of data and concluded that someone is lying (a lot of someones).
The best conclusion I've seen written was that women lie in studies, even anonymous ones, and under-report sexual behaviors and partners and men lie and exaggerate and over-report sexual behaviors and partners. The conclusion of this review of studies was that the actual numbers of partners was probably rather close to equal on the median, and that the variations were caused by poor reporting.
So, when a woman tells you she's slept with 50 men, she might be telling you the truth, but she doesn't mention the 75 others she gave oral sex with, or didn't sleep with.
When a man tells you he's slept with 150 partners, he means to include everyone who gave him a hand job as well as every saw his penis even if just in the mirror.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): Person12345 said,
"There are more men than women with more than 5 sex partners who pulled the statistic up. In short men and women don't differ than much "on average" in their sex partners, but there are more men who have a LOT of sex partners than women."
But if there are more men than women who have had A LOT of sex parnters, then those extra women (for those slutty men) had to come from somewhere. The math demands that among the men and women with lower numbers, the women are having more sex than the men.
Which is exactly what the OP is theorizing.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 June 2011):
 I don't think anyone has ever studied one night stands. The only thing I can tell you is that the average number of sex partners is greater for men than women (6 versus 4) according to the Kinsey institute. The thing about that is, the few people on the high or low end will wreck the true middle of a statistic. There are more men than women with more than 5 sex partners who pulled the statistic up. In short men and women don't differ than much "on average" in their sex partners, but there are more men who have a LOT of sex partners than women.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 Yes I'd say you are right. A small number of (alpha) guys are having sex with a lot of women. Those guys are 'shared' amongst a larger number of women. I'm sure many of these women were looking for more than a one night stand, but didn't get it.
So, the average is of course the same, but the median number for men would be lower.
Having said that, I don't think it's a case of one sex or the other seeing on night stands as a 'big deal'. What I would say is that people who have never had one seem to think they are a bigger deal than those who have had one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): You're forgetting the math here...for every woman who has casual sex with a near stranger, there is also at least one man who does too. You just don't know any.
Truth be told, having known people who do this, both male and female, myself included, it totally depends on the individual. True, I think it's accurate that men generally crave sex for sex's sake more than women, and women have the pick of the litter and can have it when they desire (even if they maybe desire it less often), so I think it is about even. Women talk about it less, so it is hard to know exact numbers. Personally, I would say it's about even.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 June 2011):
It takes two people to tango. So in that respect, without doing any research, I will say it's the same for both men and women unless they're homosexuals.
It's also inetersting to note that "women can find a man to have sex with pretty much whenever they desire it" simply because men (almost always) say "yes".
You just haven't met the guys who have one night stands, but like I said, unless these women you heard of were sleeping with each other, there's a guy or two involved I imagine.
I don't think there's much research on exact numbers, exact numbers would be impossible to find anyway. The question is more a question of what gender is more promiscuous. Women can have sex when they want, like I said, because men hardly ever turn it down. There's a need and demand present from men, for casual sex, and it appears that there is less women who want to take this offer than there are men. If men were the ones who rejected casual sex, then women wouldn't find it so easy. That is my logical take on it anyways. If guys were the ones who said no, and declined casual sex, then women would be the ones who had to work for it, right? Now if the general idea is that women don't have to work for it, it is logical to assume that it is in fact the men who are promicuous and seek casual sex to a higher degree than women.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): I'm not sure it really matters. You might be correct but most people don't want to hear it.
Certainly not most women. If your theory is correct they will find something about the research to dispute. I guarantee it.
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