A
female
age
36-40,
*onalove
writes:So my boyfriend and I have been together for 7yrs, high school sweet hearts! We often talk about marriage and our future. After a year of dating, we had a big argument and ended up 'taking a break.' We were young then and ended up getting back together after a week. 3 yrs after this a friend of mine told me my boyfriend and my best friend actually hooked up and had sex when we were 'taking a break.' I was so hurt and angry. I mean, how could my best friend do that to me? We've been friends since we were in kindergarten. When I confronted her about it she denied it all. I then asked my boyfriend about it who told me the truth. Since we had taken that break we'd been perfect and things had been going so great. I'm still with him because I think, why break up over something that happened 3 yrs ago. I don't talk to my best friend anymore, after I found out we did hangout still and I tried forgiving her, but things weren't the same. Now I find myself wondering if I made the right choice staying with him. I love him so much but I can't forget what happened. And I often find myself not fully trusting him (although I try).
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014): The "jealousy" is not "retroactive" if your partner's old hookup did not stay in the past.
Your friend was still around in your lives long after the break with your BF ended. They both owed you the truth as soon as you got back together with your BF.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 August 2014):
 This is really common. People take a "break" from their relationship and crap happens.
1. You were ON a break, he could have slept with just about anyone. The fact that he slept with your best friend is kind of icky and for ME, personally, and would mean that the BFF would have to go. (which you did)
2. I agree with Auntie Cindy (as usual) that it was probably not because he was interested IN your BFF, she was available and he was mad at you.
3. YOUR BF was honest about what happened. Which I have to say gives major points in my book. So yes, I DO think you can trust him. HAD he lied and lied about sleeping with her, I would have had a harder time trusting him now. HE owned his "mistake" and has been a great BF ever since.
4. you two have managed to stay together another 3 years AFTER this happened and be happy together.
You can't hold this stupid mistake over his head, not can you say you forgave him... if you are still upset about it. Does that make sense?
And I agree, NO more breaks. Either BREAK up and move on - or FIX whatever stuff is going wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2014): Regarding your boyfriend, I think retro-jealousy over something so many years ago wouldn't be very mature of you right now.
He told you the truth, you supposedly forgave him; and then you maintained a good relationship for another three years.
I think I might have handled the betrayal of a best friend the same as you did. I would forgive them, but they'd have to go. There are lines I wouldn't cross; because that's just the kind of guy and a friend I am, and will always be. I don't like opportunistic friends. They aren't really friends. Just waiting like vultures to pounce on someone they know I have (or had) recent romantic involvement. That means they always wanted my mate, while posing as a friend. A week wasn't even enough time to allow you both to decide if the break was permanent. She pretended to be a loyal friend all the while. Smiling in your face, acting as thought she was on your side, and witnessing your pain.
The difference between your boyfriend and your best friend, is that he told you the truth; and he was ready to suffer the consequences. Your best friend lied about her betrayal.
You mentioned the one aspect that should be most considered. You were both young, and have been going strong since you got back together.
I will repeat advice that I have given others in your situation. If you are unable to fully forgive and move forward, forgive and move on. Don't hold your boyfriend emotional-hostage; while you become suspicious and jealous.
Punishing him for a past crime, that is all of sudden creeping up on you. It would be better to just end it; than be irritating with snooping around and holding him accountable for every movement he makes, and all his time. Seriously!!!
You have to reassess the relationship and how everything has been going between you over the last three years.
You also have to introspect, and decide if you are capable of forgiveness and to move forward. Not 50% of the way, or 90%, but a full 100%.
If you are going to be a total mess from this point forward, you're going to sabotage what you have; and he'll leave you of his own accord. Then you're going to go through hell trying to get him back; and you will be angry as hell, when he does decide he will move on and not die of shame like you want him to.
Insecurity kills relationships. Grow up!
If you feel couples-counseling might help, try it. If you just feel as weird about him, as with your friend? No childish games. End it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2014): It's extremely unlikely that anyone whose been together since High School will only ever sleep with that same partner for the rest of their life. I really think that your boyfriend was in that stage that a lot of young people go through where they just need to 'test out' what they really feel for the one that they love by - yes - having sex with someone that they don't really give a shit aboout. It's easier for them and more convenient if that person is in the group that they hang out with and is no indication at all that there was any long standing attraction. Really, I do understand how this psychology works - it's a bit like someone thinking "oh, I really love this person but not many people stay with the same person for ever and only have sex with that person for the rest of their life...maybe I need to double check if I really feel this strongly.Thing is, if you met someone at say, 30 years old, they've already done this stage several times over and yet you wouldn't hold it against them at all because you'd only just met and it would seem normal that they'd had previous partners.Your friend sounds like she has very low self esteem and wanted to sleep with him to feel equal to you - then couldn't bear losing your friendship - I'm not making excuses and not saying go back to being her friend - just don't hate her, it's not worth it - she's just weaker than you for whatever reasons and she needs to figure that out for herself, it's not your responsibility.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 August 2014):
 Ah the " we were on a break " dilemma.. Not easy to solve. They made a Tv series ( Friends ) last ten years, centered on this dilemma.
I think you did right in ditching the best friend, it's not a matter of being vindictive, she just does not qualify as a friend at all. Not only she broke the girls 'code, but she did not come clean about it , in fact she lied shamelessly. At least your bf had the elegance to fess all up !
As for him,... I don't know, had you talked before about terms and conditions of this break , and what it entailed , what were your expectations ?..
Personally , I think :
1 ) that breaks are stupid. Either you break UP, or work on your issues together, as a couple
2 ) that they are a complete ,although temporaray,interruction, not only of contacts, but also of the general rules that apply to a relationship- including monogamy. Otherwise, what kind of a " break " it is ? If you have the obligation to stay committed, and you just aren't talking to each other, that's not a break, that's pouting and sulking. Although, of course, since there's not any official written manual of etiquette for these situations, if the two persons agree they are not going to see / have sex with anybody else during the break, that's perfectly fine too . But they should KNOW what is expected from them. How can they be up to your expectations if they don't know what these are ?
3 ) I understand very well that, although technically he may not have done anything wrong, in practice you are shocked, because you think, what, what kind of love was it if he loved ME on Monday... and on Tuesday he was in bed with another woman, just because we had had an argument ?!
It's natural to feel this way and have doubts, then again I'd give him the benefit of doubt. There's " revenge" sex , " I am feeling lonely" sex , " I want to keep my mind off her" sex ,...I don't think this fling was based on having feelings or passion for your friend, it was more like a ( very immature, granted ) way to get back at you.
If in the last 3 years he has been the perfect bf, ... I'd try to forgive him and to put this blunder definitely in the past. ( Also because, if you can't- you'll have to break up for real - once you took him back, you can't keep a past indiscretion hanging over his head for the rest of his life, it's just not fair ! )
Just, do no take any more " breaks ", learn to solve your conflicts in a mature way :)
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