A
female
age
30-35,
*3chelciemarie
writes:I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend Jake for a little over 3 years now. I just turned 22 and he is 21. Recently I transferred to a great music school about in Boston 9 hours away from my home town where he is attending school. I went to the school for the spring semester and we were long distance. It really wasnt all that bad and he was able to visit twice in that 5 months. I have been back home for the summer and I will return to school in a couple weeks. The distance is of course hard but doable, since we are both trusting in one another. The recent distance actually seemed to make us stronger. Jake just finished his associates, and for a while when I was in Boston he looked at some undergrads there to further his education. It looked like he was going to move there. Recently he has told me plans to work with his a degree for a year or two in our home town to save up money. I know I will never pass up the school I'm going to, to move back home to be with him., but am I selfish to want him to move for me? I understand if he needs to work for a year but I feel like he's just dragging out his time in our hometown. His whole family is there and friends so I can see why he'd stay but hes always said how he wanted to get out of our home town. I just don't know how long the distance can last if it seems theres no ultimate future with us. Do you think it is selfish to want him to move with me?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 August 2014):
 Good for Jake.
It's a year or two for goodness sake. Yes LDR's suck. but at your age getting a good foundation for life (i.e. school and job) is critical.
You want to do your plans and wont' change and that's fine.
he wants to do his and won't change and that's fine.
yes you are being selfish to think that he should not do what he wants just because you want him with you.
WHEN it comes time to settle down permanently then you two will have to compromise and decide WHERE to be together if that's what you want.
Yes usually one person moves... my son followed a girl to a state 10 hours away.
My husband moved 2 hours away from his home based and lost a job because of the move. He hates it here but moving to me made the most sense.
In a few years when you are done school and both of you are ready to settle down then comes the compromise to figure out where you can both live.
until then compromise and see each other as often as you can.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2014): Young people often get distracted by their high school relationships and interrupt their educations.
Education is essential to earn a good living, and to grow intellectually. I would say you ARE being selfish, to think he should change course, and reset his plans to allow you to keep yours.
You have to focus on your studies, and visit your sweetheart as often as reasonably possible. He has chosen his path and you've chosen yours. Take turns visiting each other on breaks and holidays. That's how it's usually done.
Please explain why he should change his, if you aren't changing yours?
I can answer that. That is because you like where you're going, and you put your education first!
He would be wise to do the same, and trust that your relationship is strong enough to endure. If it isn't, that means it is time to move on and meet new people.
That's how fate has likely planned your romantic future. My partner passed away six years ago, after 28 years together. We went to different colleges in different areas of the country, and maintained contact when there was no Skype and cell phones.
We visited each other on our breaks, and holidays, or during summer vacations. This went on while he was in grad school, and law school; until he received his law degree. I joined the military during that time. We maintained our friendship and saw each other continuously. Not as often as we wanted to, but we were focused on our futures and careers. He passed the bar exam. I'd already completed college, grad school( while actively serving in the Air Force), and a tour in the military by this time. I was stationed at a base in his home state, not far from where he grew up. When I got out, I found a place and we moved-in together. The rest is history.
The paths you take are your own to decide. So make the adjustments that allow everyone to pursue their dreams and design their futures according to what they want, and is most feasible.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 August 2014):
 Quite simply and without any long explination....YES It is!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 August 2014):
 Yes, it is selfish. YOU are exactly where you want to be following your game plan , pursuing your dreams, and building your future the way it suits YOU better- why is it that wrong if he does the same ?. So what if his plans include staying in his hometown for one or two years more ? It does not have necessarily all to be about YOUR timing.
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