A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am feeling really overwhelmed because I feel like I have no one to talk to about this, not even my therapist knows what to do, so please read me, please! and give me your advice. I am in college studying art and in a long term relationship. I have tried to make friends but somehow it always ends up with me feeling that they climb too fast into thinking they have the right to demand my time off college and make everything about them and make it seem like we are in some sort of a relationship which freaks me out and makes me dislike them, to the point of avoiding them, since I have a boyfriend who I appreciate so much. He is really jealous and he doesn't let me have guy friends, I used to think it is not his right to prohibit me from that. He says that other boys will always want something more if I let them in my life. Now here's where I screwed up. It makes me want to cry. I started socializing trying to state beforehand that it's a secret friendship because I don't want to hurt my boyfriend who I love more than anyone in this world. A only inside - campus friendship. I started talking with people in between classes and made friends with girls but somehow the girls stay away from me. I have one girl I sometimes talk to who is lesbian and i have the impression that she likes me, too but I might be wrong. I have talked with several guys, like, I don't even know how many people I have been friendly with, just to make friends but since then I have discovered that every guy I befriended this year and last year has some other kind of romantic interest for me eventually and it makes the things really embarrasing. I am in a relationship and everybody knows that because I talk about my boyfriend, a lot. I talk to those guys about him all the time, I friendzone them completely, and somehow they still manage to think they have a chance with me. It makes me sick and offended. How do I know? the first one Carlos he tried to touch my arms when I used to talk to him and he didn't stop. Once, he touched my waist to move me out of the way in a class presentation and I screamed at him don't dare to ever touch me. Since then I have been avoiding him but every once in a while he found the way to talk to me and I was still friendly, I thought we were friends until he starting being all weird like, trying to have a date, in my birthday he sang to me with a cake! but then I started avoiding him and he was offendend I once saw him and I ran the other way and hid until he found me and confronted me why am I hiding but I just couldn't speak for what I was feeling and long story short he bashed my boyfriend by saying he takes too much care of his eyebrows which was completely disrespectful and I no longer speak to him, it was ovious that he is jealous. I have given people my phone but only for homework related stuff, and I feel so guilty. I said I don't want to chat. Still, these so called "friends" write me and I feel like it's not fair if I say that I don't want to be bothered and they still text me. They get resentful that I don't answer. Being in a long relationship, I have made the huge mistake that when we had fights I vented out to my "friends" about what I am going through, and now after so much comments I had to cut off all of them after confirming by their mouth that they think that I should dump him or that I am not happy with him. Back in the day when I was single I used to think I had real guy friends who see me as only that. But seriously every guy I've talked to actually thinks bad. I am bubbly but I am not flirty at all, I like to talk a lot, I make jokes It means nothing to me. My boy is the only one that I like. I had to stop talking to Ben who I thought was my friend until once he asked directly that it would be great to sleep with him. Jerk. I still cry about it. Today I had been talking to Fred who I have talked to sometimes and he texted me saying that he couldn't say it to my face but he feels that something else than friendship between us can be born in three months and I told that the feeling is not mutual and that I am only a friend and I have a man that I love and respect. Long story short he even said that he doesn't like me, that he is physically not even attracted, like saying, calm down I'm not into you, which made it worst because he is lying. He said that he won't ever talk to me again, like seriously!? Last year I had to cut off my friend Zach who escalated from being a shoulder to cry on to stalking me around the campus. I always friend zone them right away and they still disrespect me. And it's not one, it's a handful of men. Zach, he is not the only one who stalked me. A car driver from a company has texted me every morning saying good morning since saturday because I was nice to him. There are a lot of guys who follow me after class, I guess they have been snooping to know when I go out of class and literally wait outside to stalk me, they find strange ways to interact like, for example offering me to do castings for movies or modeling collabs and every time that I have been convinced I have found myself in a fake production, once it was a supposed bodypainter who didn't know how to paint. Other was a "movie director" who was making the most trashy movie ever made in history. A bunch of "photographers" and "artists" just preying on me and I'm sure that I am not the only one. I feel gross, I am being stalked. I just don't talk to anyone anymore but have anxiety because this dude today was really rude and said that he should have never been nice to me in the first place and I am thinking wow. Since when talking to people means more to them. What is wrong! I am seriously not flirting I am just kind to everyone. It makes me so angry, and shamed that I feel like I have failed my partner by talking to guys and he was right, you have no idea. I feel that if I tell him he will be devastated of the situation. But I just can't get the blame off my mind...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (22 July 2019):
 First, NO, I do not think you should discuss this problem with your boyfriend. It will only give him more to worry about, which in turn will make you miserable.
I'm going to take a different tack here.
It's possible that your boyfriend is not a jealous, overbearing person by nature. He simply sees in you an eagerness to please people and make friends. It's not that he thinks you'll cheat on him, but that he can't rely on your judgment or confidence to recognize and deal with potential threats to the relationship until they become big problems.
It is possible for men and women to be friends, but much of the time sexual interest is what drives it, and hope is what keeps it going. And you're giving these men that hope when your conversation extend beyond exchanging pleasantries between classes, and the mother of all blunders is secret friendships and complaining to them about your boyfriend (which even you now recognize was a mistake).
For example the cab driver who texts you every morning because you were nice to him. Don't answer even the first text. I assume he was an Uber driver or something because I don't know why you'd even be giving a cab driver your cell phone number.
Take a break from trying to make new friends and quietly observe (without staring) how the more confident women behave. How do they interact with men? Watch their body language, listen to what they say.
A
male
reader, anonymus2012  +, writes (13 July 2019):
I'm sorry to hear that. Please be aware that anything is your fault. I will be very crude with my comments but i believe is true.
Beautiful, sexy girls will attract all kind of men. We are visual creatures, competitive. Any single guy who will approach you will have a romantic or sexual interest. Unless he is gay or in a commited relationship.
Men brains are hardwired different than females. I'm sorry. Is just the it is.
Females won't let me lie.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (9 July 2019):
 You can't control what these guys do or think? You can, however, learn to not let it bother you.
They're young and, for the most part, thinking with what is inside their pants instead of what is between their ears. They see a pretty young girl and, regardless of whether she is free or interested in them, they have to make a pass "just in case". They work on the law of averages: hit on 20 girls and you will probably "get lucky" at least once, so the more girls they hit on, the more chance they have of getting somewhere. Don't take it personally. You are just a number to them. As soon as they get the brush-off from you, they will move on to the next girl.
Screaming at someone for touching your waist sounds rather over the top (in my opinion). If I screamed at everyone who touched my arm or my waist, I would have lost my voice by now, and I am neither young nor attractive. It is not something which is meant to offend UNLESS you are religious and your religion prohibits touching between males and females who are not family or not married. In such a case, you need to make it known so that guys are aware how they would offend you by touching you.
As for telling your boyfriend, why would you consider doing that? Do you want his emotional support to help you cope with this situation? How do you think he will feel knowing he is not around to "protect" you? He may even try to persuade you to drop out of education. Is that what you want?
I work in a professional office and we have had a number of young and VERY attractive girls working in our office. Most of the guys have flirted and hit on them, even the married ones. None of these girls have had a problem with this. They have merely laughed it all off, even when approached directly. They have been friendly with most people but not allowed anyone to get too close. I have been in the same situation in my youth. Even though I was never particularly attractive (not ugly but certainly not model material), I still got guys hitting on me because I was young and they were young and that is what happens. Learn to not let this get to you. Try to develop a sense of humour about it. Trust me, later in life, you will smile wryly at the attention you got and wish you had enjoyed it more while it lasted because, believe me, it will not last for ever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2019): Believe it or not, your story is a pretty common one. You're around college-freshman age; and guys hit on girls a lot until they run into boundaries, and get flat-out rejected. A bruised-ego is a good deterrent!
Don't get your boyfriend all riled-up, but he better take an extra-strength chill-pill with the jealousy and "controlling-boyfriend" act! If I were your dad, you wouldn't be dating a clown like that! Why would you tell him guys are hitting on you, if it upsets him??? Guys always hit on females!
Exceptionally-attractive girls may get quite a lot of unwanted-attention. All girls get unwanted-attention!!! If she has a boyfriend, it becomes a challenge to see who can either break them up; or who can grab her attention, at least. It's an ego game, and they aren't necessarily romantically-interested in you. They are attracted to you; but in a pervy kind of way, that is. You know, hormones and all.
Expect guys to show-off in-front of one-another; because that's what guys do. Sometimes they even take bets to see who can knock-down your defenses. If they are jocks, popular around campus, or good-looking, and somewhat conceited; they're on ego-trips. They just want to impress you, to get your attention. They don't necessarily want to date you, they expect you to say "no!" They just want to know if you cheat on your boyfriend, and whether there's any remote chance they can get you in the sack? It's adolescent crap! It's "bad-boy" behavior; but mostly an annoying performance they've got to put-on in-front of each other to prove their manhood. It's stupid, but when they go too far; put them in their place! They will seem nice, like you are when you're trying to get a bird to eat out of your hand. If you go for the bait, they'll pounce! You'll learn to know a wolf in sheep's clothing when you see one!
Careful about getting a big-head from all the attention. As soon as it stops, you'll miss it. Take it with grace, don't put on airs, or become a drama queen with all the crying and such. I mean...seriously?!! Ix-nay with the dramatics!
Just get used to the attention, and keep deflecting unwanted touching. I commend you for making a loud outburst when you were touched. That was a good move! Just don't get paranoid, and get all jumpy; thinking every-time someone barely brushes against you they're up to something. Gauge the situation, react accordingly, and appropriately. Don't overreact to petty incidents, you'll look crazy and make a total fool of yourself. Touched inappropriately? TOTALLY LOSE IT!!! It's okay in that situation!
When I first came-out, and went to gay bars; I got overwhelmed with attention. I got really shocked when people made blatant passes at me. I was a shy kind of guy, and I too had a boyfriend; but we were both in the closet, and not really wanting it out that we were more than just "friends." Conservative town, you know how it goes.
I had a really tough time making platonic-friends; because it wasn't long before so-called friends wanted to turn it into "friends with benefits." Gay men can be stereo-typically promiscuous at times. We were young, full of raging-hormones, and that was pretty much the norm. I went to an all-male private military college. No girls to worry about! I was in the closet, and messed around with girls to hide. I was with girls until my boyfriend and I came-out to each-other. Another long story.
I had to learn how to carry myself and deal with attention from other guys. I also had to be careful not to come-off as conceited, full of myself, or snooty. It took practice, and a little advice from older-gays to learn how to deal with it all. Yes, I made a fool of myself. Sometimes I expected to be hit-on, and all I got was an eye-roll! Maybe he looked me up and down; and just decided I wasn't his type! That deflated my ego a bit! It put things back into proper-perspective. I'm not all that!
It was known in the gay-community that we were a couple, but the passes and flirting was still relentless. I just stopped overreacting. Told them I was taken. I grabbed any hand that touched me, and shoved it away. I was accused of being a snob, this and that; but they all calmed-down until fresh-meat was on the scene. The same will happen to you. You will no longer be the freshman-hottie on campus; and you will be dethroned, for the next pretty-girl.
Guys flirt. You'll get used to it. Offer them blank-stares, or just ignore them completely. If they try to strike-up unwanted conversation, just tell them you have a man! If they over-step your boundaries, or invade your space; slap their hands away, yank your arm away; and yell if you have to! Make it perfectly clear you don't appreciate being touched like that, and firmly remind them that you have a boyfriend!
If he's too jealous, please don't take that to be a good thing. It's not! He thinks he owns you; if it makes him crazy or violent. Don't sneak to have friends; then he will take that as cheating. That will only make his bad behavior even worse. Don't let any man dictate to you whom you can talk to; or with whom you choose to be friends. While he himself has friends, regardless of their gender. If the guy hits on you, he's right. That's not a friend.
It's normal to be a little jealous; as long as he doesn't go nuts. If he starts to hurt you, or isolates you from other people. Bad-news! It sounds like he's heading down that path, and that isn't rational or healthy behavior.
Don't allow guys to own you or treat you like their property. That makes you a weak-minded female; and prone to choosing guys who might eventually hurt you. You're young, and attending college; now is the time to learn to be careful of the kind of guys you choose as boyfriends, or just friends; and that includes what kind of behavior you tolerate around you. Stop accepting modeling-projects and posing-jobs from male-students. It's usually a scam; and you shouldn't be so naive.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (9 July 2019):
 I'm sorry you're in this situation. This is NOT your fault.
Firstly, your boyfriend has no right to tell you who you can and can't be friends with. Jealousy and demands is not love. He is also wrong: some guys will push friendship, but many won't.
If you feel stalked, that's valid and you should use the evidence to go complain to the company of the car driver, as well as your university, if people from your uni harass you.
What I would say is that, if multiple guys are reading your behaviour as flirty, you may need to rethink the jokes you make and such. Whilst a couple of guys thinking you're into them isn't major, if it keeps happening, it's unlikely to be completely on them, since you're the common denominator between them all. That doesn't mean it's your fault that they go to far, just that there may be things you don't realise make you look available to them.
Venting about a relationship is good to do in a journal or with a therapist because friends only hear one side and will hold on to it. However, that doesn't mean they're wrong. If you keep having issues and he's jealous, telling you not to have certain friends, then they may have a point. I know you love your boyfriend, but it doesn't always mean it's right, even when we love them. I've also been in a long distance relationship, so please don't think LDRs have to be this jealous.
Basically, OP, some guys are just entitled. Not all guys will take it too far - you just have to find the right people (male or female) to be friends with and there may be signs you don't notice until they start harassing/stalking you, but others would notice.
Summary:
- if guys harass or stalk you, keep the evidence and report them to their university or company, then the police if they continue after you block them from your phone and social media
- vent to your therapist about your relationship, but also consider your friends' opinions because they can see things we don't want to see
- don't allow your boyfriend to be demand things; it's a red flag
- try to assess what you say or do that may make guys thing you're available (it doesn't excuse harassment or stalking, though)
- try to be aware of signs that guys are interested in you before they start going too far
Out of curiosity, what is your LDR like? How often do you meet in person? How long have you been together? How do you have dates? How often does your boyfriend tell you what you can or can't do? How do you communicate?
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