A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid. I'm writing here already knowing the answer to my own question, but I just need to talk to someone about this, and I can't talk about it to anyone I know. I'm married, and miserable. It hasn't been easy, and the main problem for me is that my husband seems to have completely lost interest in me. It started while I was pregnant, he stopped touching me, stopped talking to me, didn't want to feel the baby kick even, and was always complaining that he was too tired. He's never been a guy to over share, but he did use to talk to me, and now he just didn't any more. It got worse as he stopped saying good night, stopped saying good morning, and I ended up sleeping for months with the baby in a separate room because it just hurt too much to be ignored by my husband like that. Before there were always kisses and hugs and good mornings and he'd be all over me, all of that just stopped. It didn't do my self esteem any good, and body changes when pregnant. Our child is now three years old, and while there's been periods where things are looking better, he keeps falling back into this "ignoring me" behaviour. He claims he does so without thinking about it, which actually hurts even more than if he was intentionally giving me the silent treatment. I'm just like air to him. I can try to talk to him and he'll just look into his phone and not reply. Or just not reply and walk away and do something else entirely. It's been happening so many times I'm completely fed up with it, sick and tired of it, and heavily thinking about divorce. I keep giving our relationship dead lines, that I keep to myself. I'll just hold on for 6 more months and see if things improve. They don't. But then I keep thinking 6 more months, 6 more months. I have no idea when to call it quits. I know I will be happier on my own without him. Its gotten so bad that I dread going home and having to face him ignoring me day after day. I am talkative. I like to share what's going on in my life. He doesn't listen to what I say, and he doesn't share anything about whats up with him either. I have no idea whats going on at his work, I have no idea whats up with his friends, I can even walk in on him playing a game and asking him what game it is, trying to initiate a conversation, and he just shuts it down saying "It's just a new game I got." and that'll be the end of the conversation. We have talked about how his behavior makes me feel. I have told him I can't go on like this. He promises to do better. Then falls back into it. It's so bad, one time he was searching around the house, and I eventually asked him what he was searching for (because he never shares anything witout being directly asked), and he said he was looking for his passport. Ok... he didn't say anything else. So I asked again, why are you looking for the passport? He answered that his job required some details from his passport. His job wouldn't need such information without a reason, and again I had to ask why his job would need that. And only then he told me that he was going abroad on a work trip. In just a few weeks. That he hadn't informed me about and it had been decided three months ago. That was last year. I'm still here, still in this marriage. He's promised change, there is no change. But to leave... it's such a hard choice to make. I can't stand the thought of splitting up and not being able to see my child every day, because of shared custody. Also, I dont have a job now, I developed problems with walking while pregnant, and it didn't get better. I can't walk or stand for longer periods of time, just 30 minutes standing gives me extreme pain for three days. I can only work part time at most, and so far I haven't been able to find any job, even though I've applied and been to interviews. So I actually can't afford to rent a place on my own, and no bank will give me a loan without a job.That's another good example of how little he pays attention to me, I have had this disability since I was pregnant, yet just last summer he asked me why I hadn't walked our dog (I've explicitly told him I can't walk the dog any more and we need to give it up unless he takes 100% of the walks). I also got some aids for home use, such as a special chair that I can use in the kitchen to cook dinner. He has been using that chair for his stuff, his backpack, or he places boxes and things in front of it so I can't reach it.About a year ago I met a person who I became friends with, and over the summer I developed a crush on this person. I have made no move and have no intention of doing anything either. I have a crush though, and I know why. This person talks to me! Listens to me, and actually responds to what I'm saying. We share common interests, they ask me how I'm doing. This person smiles at me! Even just that. My husband used to smile when he saw me too, before we were married. Now he sees me, sighs, looks somewhere else, and ignores whatever Im saying or just mumbles something with his back towards me, which I cant hear... I have to tell him "I cant hear you" at least 10 times a day, no joke.I keep catching myself texting this other person about interesting things that has happened, instead of trying to talk to my husband, because I know he just wont care and it'll just be another dissapointment and me getting my feelings hurt. So I text this other person instead and they reply quickly and they are just soooo easy to have a conversation with! Which is what I'm missing in my marriage. And then this other person just started dating someone else, and I'm jealous. So I know. I need to distance myself. But that just leaves me alone in my marriage again, with no one to talk to, and I really, really don't want to do that. I dont want to go back to being so alone. So, stay even longer just in order to find a job and then leave? Suck it up and live in a "room-mate" situation and give up hope of ever having a close relationship with my husband? Give it another 6 months?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2022): Thank you for your answers. It's been good to hear outside views. I can answer questions you had, although it wont change the situation.
First the medical aspect. I recently changed doctors, so my new doctor is the fourth doctor Im talking about this issue with. The previous three just said I need to live with the pain and not walking properly and that it will eventually pass or some women just have it this way after pregnancy and nothing to do about it. This is health care for you: they dont give shit and there's barely any studies on womens health during/after pregnancy. Pregancy isn't an "illness", so I've been told. So just suck it up. I've battled the system HARD on this, and I'm involved in politics, so trust me when I say I battle this hard. I've joined organizations especially for women with my health issue, they all say the same: finding a doctor who takes it seriously is damn hard and the best they've been offered is going on disability payment. Which is where I'm currently at, being "evaluated" for getting permanent disability. With no cure, no medical assistance, just.. this is your life now.
So yeah, that sucks. All the aids I have at home now to help me function I have gotten by my own, through being persistent. But my income is below the poverty line. It might to up a little bit if I am granted permanent disability, which will take years to sort out (the system works slow), but even then I will still be on or below the poverty line.
My husband earnes 4 times as much as me. Back when I was working 100%, he earned 3 times as much as me, and I still paid 50% of everything. He doesn't get it. He just doesn't get what its like to have this little money. He didn't agree to adjusting how we split bills until I went on disability and directly told him that I need to end the marriage in order to afford my bills (because as a single mom, I would get more money than if I am married). I couldn't afford to buy food, clothes, for me or my child. I couldn't afford to have a car, to pay the insurance etc. Or keep the dog. I had to sit by myself with all these concerns because he just didnt listen.
The government requires him to support me financially, and he wasn't. It took two months of talking and fighting over it to get him to look at the numbers and take action. Now he pays 70% of expences. Actually, going over the numbers he should pay 75% if we're going to devide it based on income alone. But at this point... whatever. I am seriosuly tired of discussing money with him. When you don't have money issues, it's impossible to wrap your head around it, apparently.
We own our house together, 60% is his and 40% is mine. But I wouldn't be able to buy his share, because I dont get loan when on temporary disability (getting that permanent disability can take years, like mentioned previously). I would have to buy something further away to get something within my budget, or rent. Which I am well aware of and have already looked at places for the past year and know the marked well.
Writing all of this makes me really tense, I just see the writing on the wall as Im writing. And the situation sucks.
As for family: my family isn't very close. There's been a lot of drama and dysfunction. My immideate family lives on the other side of the country. Moving there would pretty much mean moving away from all my friends and in effect moving away from my child. So not an option.
As mentioned before, Im active in politics and I have several friends where I live now. Lockdown was hard for everyone, maybe that's how everyone ended up more isolated. I'm meeting people both for social situation and also for political meetings quite often. Politics is basiaclly what's been keeping me floating through the pandemic, because we still had our meetings, even if they were digital. I still got to be active, social and engaged in society. And I've met so many wonderful people through it, it's been a life saver, really. Especially since I no longer work. It gives me meaning and feeling useful.
We have been to couples therapy/counceling. It didn't help me anything. We actually worked on hugging, it was that basic. My husband has forgotten how to hug. He keeps repeating that he wants to be physical, but when he does try he is as awkward about it as can be, and it feels like he's forcing himself. So.. I just dont believe it any more. It feels like a lie. It feels like a hug a teacher would force you into if you were fighting with someone you aren't friends with in class, and you are supposed to "hug and be friends". It's like hugging a manequin. He will be all stiff, and not even put his arms around me, but keep his hands down his side or awkwardly hanging in the air.
He doesn't have diabetes. Depression? Sure, that could be a thing, but he doesnt do anything about it. He keeps saying he is stressed. He's been "stressed" ever since I got pregnant. It's such a used up phrase now that I'd be shocked if he said he wasn't stressed. Being stressed is sort of what he is, permanently. And his mother is all about calling me to tell me to take care of her poor stressed out son. I have bit my tongue, but honestly feel like telling her: He is a grown up man, if he can't figure out a way to destress then thats on HIM, not me, and that honestly his stress is affecting me and the entire family so much that Im about to divorce him.
I even forced him to cut back on work because I said you can't work so much and then complain you are too tired and stressed from work, do something about it then. So after pressuring him he is now temporarily working 80% (and yes, still making a lot of money). He even had the nerve to tell me how important work was for him and feeling important and that he could sustain himself financially etc, so he really didn't want to cut back on work. While he would not care at all when I was upset about not being able to work and earning below the poverty line. Go figure. He wants me to be understaning about the difficulties of going from 100% work to 80% work and while he's still earning the money he earns. I wont say his salary, just saying 4 times as much as me (and that doesnt sound like much, but just take your own salaries and multipy by 4 to get a sense of the money we're talking about here). He is still very much a rich man even working just 80%. He's got no loan on the house, he paid his part within just a year or so after we bought it.
Money is a huge issue. It does bother me when he wants to buy expensive things like it was nothing. I'm not like one of those persons who finds it charming to see a rich person splurge. I find it offensive, all the while I, his wife, can't even afford to buy clothes that fit me (body changes after pregnancy!).
Yeah, I can see from my text that I am bitter. It's been building up for a few years now. It's in the way he speaks as well. He uses "we" very rarly, it's always "I'm" going to do something or "you're" going to do something. Every vacation I have tried for us to plan things, and we dont go anywhere, or it always ends up in a fight. I can say "should we go to xxx for holidays?" and he will just not answer. Then I push for an answer, he's all bothered and busy with something else, and will say something up the lines of "can I check it later" (specifically saying I and not WE), or just "I dont know how vacation times will be with work", and then he never checks it. Weeks later he still hasn't checked. And then the holiday comes and goes and we did nothing.
Its just... like he's a single person, in his head. Never a team, never "us" or "we" or "our". "Im too tired now" or "I'll check it out later" or "I can't" or "I dont care either or, you decide".
To me its like he just checked out of the marriage. I can keep as many friends as I want, go out of the house and be social (now that lockdown is over), but I always have to return home to this ice cold person, and no matter how many friends I have or how many others I speak with, the ice frontier at home is too much for me. I have PTSD from child neglect and growing up with violent parents (doctors refuse to treat me for that also, I have tried to get treatment ever since I was diagnosed, but can only get help if I pay for it myself, which I obviously cant afford). The way he acts now, so cold, distant and ignoring me, is really triggering my PTSD. Its flashbacks every day now, with the way he behaves. I know he can't help with that, he can't help that he is my trigger, but for my sake I can't stay in the situation as it is now. I dont feel safe at home. He's never hit me, but my PTSD brain connects his behavior to that of my abusive parent, so I react as if he was.
Long winded! But writing makes me see things clearer. So thank you.
PS. I did ask him to get help as well, to talk to his doctor, and he did, but no help there either. He will also need to be proactive if he wants help for depression (if thats what he has, he claims he doesnt, I have asked him directly and not in a confrontational way). He has agreed that therapy might be good for him, but hasn't gone to see anyone still. I bring it up, that he needs to change the situation and not just complain about being stressed. But nothing yet. I can't force him. And by now Im just tired of seeing no action, no change. I've directly asked him how may years do I need to wait? He promises change. How long should I wait? He has no answer for that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2022): Typo corrections:
"Has [he] been tested for diabetes?"
P.S.
Even if your marriage has it's problems, contemplating affairs only complicates those problems. You are becoming emotionally attached to someone just because they listen to you. Being that lonely and isolated is strange. You should at least have some kind of connection to your family; and everything you've written about centers entirely on your husband. You have nowhere to turn, if it were not for him. Completely cutting off all connection to your family might be added to your list of problems. Unless you're an orphan, you might need to start looking for ways to reconnect with family to fill the void. You need some outside support and human connection. No one person can be your everything. You might look into what social services are available to help you and your child; and research what temporary financial-assistance you can receive for disability.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2022): May I ask where are your parents and relatives? Do you have siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts, or grandparents? Your life seems centered entirely around your husband, and you speak nothing of family ties. Maybe it is time you reconnect with the people who share your DNA. It appears your life with your husband is somewhat isolated. You mention no friends, no social-life, and you don't mention any interaction with anyone other than your husband.
If you are having problems with physical mobilization, are you getting any physical-therapy and seeing a doctor regularly to determine why you're not healing three years postpartum? Did you have a natural childbirth, C-section, or epidural? I think you should consult with a specialist to determine if there may have been malpractice related to your childbirth.
As for your husband, it seems he has decided he doesn't care for married-life or fatherhood. You say he isn't interested sexually, could it be because he's worried it could be painful for you due to your medical issues? Has be been tested for diabetes? Sometimes men hide the fact they suffer erectile dysfunction. Untreated diabetes is sometimes the culprit. Shame or pride will make him hide the fact, rather than share what's going on. If you notice normal early morning erections when he wakes up in the morning, all is well. You sleep separately, so that's good cover; you'll never know what's happening to him health wise.
I can't totally dismiss the possibility that your husband may be suffering from depression. He doesn't disclose anything about what's going on regarding his job or openly communicate about anything happening in his life. He is completely shutoff and noncommunicative. It may have little to do with you per se; but he's internalizing a lot of things, which also could include not being happy being married and a new father. If you are unable to work, he may also see you as a financial burden, but that isn't your fault. If you're totally dependent on him in everyway, the weight can take its toll. Some men just aren't equipped to be the sole breadwinner, and may harbor resentment about it. Especially, if he doesn't earn a lot, and is forced to struggle financially.
Men who internalize live in their heads. They live an entirely separate life; where he may not share with his spouse or his children; but trust me, they always find someone to open up to. Unfortunately, that's sometimes a mistress; or it could be someone at the job with whom he feels he can relate. He is cutoff and shut-down, and usually people do that because they are battling with inner-issues that they can't handle, but God only knows why they don't seek help? They shutdown, and coldshoulder their family or spouses; but they never explain anything. Often it is because they've always been like that; but when depression takes hold, they'll just put on a face for the public and function. They are like zombies, but they sometimes have the acting skills to put on a convincing front like there's nothing wrong, while everything about them to the people closest to them seems totally off.
I think you should be seeing a specialist about your medical problem, something doesn't seem right; and you should have some sort of clinical explanation as to why you are having difficulty walking after so long. You may want to see a specialist outside the medical group where your obstetrician practices.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2022): Be strong OP.
HoneyPie has contributed way better practical advice than I would be able to add much onto.
In an approach that distances yourself from the situation, try to see it as how this world we live in is Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, and Ambiguous.
Human nature is part of this world. Some pawns in this system happen to be the persons we have built our world around, and invested our future with.
Still, in this Volatile and Uncertain system, some people are inevitable brought to experience how from one second to the next, years of one version of Reality suddenly see quite a different version be unveiled.
It's one thing for me to talk about it from the comfort of an armchair, and quite another for you to be in the thick of it. Hang in there, dig in as deep as you need to, and find back who you truly are.
You can't go wrong with focusing on finding your own true strength. Remember, whatever Life or anyone throws at you, no matter how most unexpectedly, you always know that you can always choose your reaction.
That knowledge, nothing, no one, could ever take *that* away from you.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 December 2022):
 Honestly, OP?
I feel for you. You HOPE he will change but you KNOW he won't.
If I were you I wouldn't focus on your husband, I'd focus on YOU getting back on track. This means, GO see your doctor and get the issue with walking sorted, if the issue IS permanent then you need to sort out getting disability payments. You are too young for (Førtidspension) but there are other Government aids to help you. Ask your doctor and go down to the local (municipal) government and figure out if you can get social assistance. It might also help you with getting a job and housing.
As a main rule, under Danish law parents have joint custody, even when they separate or divorce, or no longer live together.
But would your husband ACTUALLY take care of your child? He doesn't seem to care about you, is he an involved father?
What about your family? Would they be willing to help out here? Give you a roof over your head?
If he is going off for a business trip soon, you will have SPACE and some time to think about what YOU want. And what is BEST for the kiddo.
But you can't keep adding on 6 months and do nothing.
YOU need to be proactive here. Figure out what YOU need to do to get back on your feet, both figuratively and physically.
As for the other person you had a crush on, THAT is not going to help you. You are unhappy at home so you looked elsewhere for some little bit of happiness but you are NOT single, you are NOT available. You are.... not datable. Because you are married and need to sort out your shit first.
Once you decide (if you decide) to divorce get your ducks in a row.
TALK to your doctor should be your first step. Then look into what medical assistance you can get, what assistance your family MIGHT help with - a roof over your head etc.
You need to make yourself a list - a TO DO LIST. And then start working on it.
Daycare is another thing to look into.
Last bit of advice, I would (If I were you) STOP trying to engage in conversation and other social things with your husband. Pull back. FOCUS on WHAT you need to do, and focus on your kiddo.
If you want to try and FIX the marriage, you can't do it alone, HE needs to participate. But the two of you can't do this alone, THAT is obvious. So you need to find a couples counselor. And do the work, together.
There is no easy solution here. You can't WISH your marriage will magically be good - YOU need to actively DO something (with his participation) OR walk away.
You say you can't stand the thought of not seeing your kid every day, I totally get that. But you are doing your kid NO service by staying in this marriage (as it is) Your kid will see how you two interact and it WILL fuck up HOW she/he will handle relationships down the line.
You need to consider WHAT is best for the kiddo too. You are not happy, your husband is not happy. Do you really think that would make a child happy?
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (6 December 2022):
 I feel that if you give it 6 months, nothing will change, so you give it another 6 months, then another, until your life becomes one long giving it 6 months with nothing ever changing.
You have to accept that this marriage is done, its got to the point of no return so i feel you have to take action sooner rather than later.
He has been cold and distant for so long now, that you are seeking the attention, love and affection from others, you are desperately wanting to be loved, for someone to talk to you like a human being which you are sadly lacking from your husband.
I think that now your first port of call should be now to seek legal advice. You don't need to tell him what you are doing. Seek legal advice and obtain some information on where you stand on getting a divorce. I would advise doing this sooner rather than later and get the ball rolling now.
Do you own the house with your husband, or do you rent?. The house would be split down the middle. Or he would have to go and you remain in the house.
Divorces, splitting up are never easy, and can sometimes get rather messy. But i feel you are never going to be happy in this relationship and leaving him is the best option you have.
It will be some tears, hearache, but i assure you there will be happiness at the end of the tunnel.
While you are looking for work can you claim job seekers, or some sort of benefit?. Also if you slit from your husband he will have to pay you child benefit.
Don't go through this alone, confifde in family, friends and let them know what is going on.
No more 6 months OP, take action now, you will feel a lot happier in yourself once you do. At the end of the day being in a toxic relationship is not healthy for you, or your child.
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