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Do I meet him and let him help me financially to be with him?

Tagged as: Long distance, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 February 2012) 6 Answers - (Newest, 18 February 2012)
A female Canada age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I have no idea how to start, i really have a big dilemma.

I recently took a break from college due to some family problems. In this time i have had a lot of spare time on my hands so of course i overkilled the internet. It is at that time that i have met the most wonderful and loving guy. And yes, we met over the internet and on top of that it wasn't even a dating site. It was a normal, everyday life site. We met, we exchanged messages back and forth for more than 2 months. And then we took it on the personal ride, we added each other on FB, we exchanged personal emails and we exchanged skype id's. We somehow always managed to chat via video. Without a fail, each week we talked. At some point we even spoke each day. I still remember we had 2 weeks in which we were constantly speaking for every day of those weeks. Time passed by and now we know each other for 10 months.

My birthday was in July and dare i say it, i had the most wonderful birthday ever, just because i got a present from him. His birthday was in October so i decided to send him a little something as well.. and the reaction he had, blew my mind. He thanked me so nicely, he appreciated everything that i have sent to him. Nobody thanked me like that before.

Slowly but surely, i started to have feelings for him and vice-versa. But, i don't know what to do with those feelings. Because here comes the dilemma. I am from Canada (in a small town) and he's from the UK, back in Europe. The distance between us is surely annoying.

At first, i did not want to accept my feelings for him, because i thought it was just pure infatuation, i thought that maybe i was falling with the idea of love and not the read deal. But equally, it's not just physical attraction that draws me to him, it's more than that. We have this incredible connection on a spiritual level, we are so similar in thoughts and behaviour, we share the same moral grounds... and when i am with him (on skype) i don't have to pretend. I can be myself and he loves me just the way i am.

We can't be together, firstly because of our studies. Both of us are still students. And i should mention that due to the fact that i had some family problems, i had to put school of hold and i had to rationalise more on what i love to do in this world. That's when i realised that i am in love with something else, so i changed majors in university. He even asked if i could come and do my studies in UK, that way we would be able to spend time together.

But i can't... universities are expensive in UK. I can barely hold it here, i can't imagine what would i do there. Plus let's not kid ourselves, i DO come from a modest background... unlike him! And see that is the second side of the story that keeps us from being together. He is (rather) well off financially speaking, so he can afford to travel back and forth, whilst me.... not so much.

In a way i feel inferior to him and ashamed that i cannot afford more in life. He doesn't like to speak about money and he even deliberately avoids the 'financial' subject, but every now and again i can see in the background (remember we skype) that he's having a whole other lifestyle.

Now we want to meet, during the summer break, and i really WANT to see him. But at the same time i am afraid i won't be up to his game. I am afraid he'll be looking at me and feel nothing but pity. Initially we said it would be best for him to come here, but then my friends and family are not very keen on the idea(especially since we met over the internet). Then we decided i should go to him, because i never saw Europe (i barely went outside my own town) and that way nobody would judge us. But the truth is i barely manage to pay for my ticket, i couldn't afford anything more than that. He even mentioned, that i should not worry about anything else, i just have to pay for my flight. But i don't feel good doing that, knowing that he will pay for anything else, i would feel so embarrassed. He knows my financial situation and he constantly let's me know that money does not define a person.. but i wouldn't feel good about myself to know that he's going to pay for my stay there.

Once i finish my studies i want to be with him and he even said he's willing to wait for me, because in his eyes, i am his other half. And that made me realise he's not just concentrating on the here and now, but he's looking for the future.

The worst part is the fact that i have fallen head over heels for him. We had 10 solid months to get to know each other and with each month i have fallen more and more for him. He did too, actually he was the one who spoke first about his emotions, 4 months ago. He told me he wants to confess something, even if he knows the friendship we have might change. The confession was obviously his feelings for me.. and then i couldn't let him in the air... because i felt the exact same way.

I used to make fun of all my friends that were in a relationship and i used to not believe in fate and soul mates, but meeting him has changed my views.

And that is why i don't know what to do!

I don't want to lose the relationship i have with him. It's not just about romantic feelings, we are also best friends. That kind of friendship is hard to find, we can talk for hours about politics, religion, music, movies, you name it! But we also can spend hours talking about our soppy and overly romantic feelings for each other. Basically THE whole package!

So what should i do? Should i meet up with him, accepting his help and his money for the time being? Should i take my chance and see where it leads and whether or not we're compatible physically?

Or should i just abandon the trip and try to remain friends, until i finish school and am able to afford my own lifestyle?

I am so afraid, that if i let him go, i will never find somebody like him again. This kind of things only happen once in a lifetime. I don't want to lose the friendship!

But i am so worthless compared to him, i don't have anything. I can't be part of his world, i'm afraid i would only embarrass him and ME for that matter..

What should i do? Where's the silver lining???

View related questions: a break, best friend, money, soul mates, soulmate, the internet, university

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012):

I think you should definitely continue the friendship, but I don't think you should go to England on his money. There's several reasons not to:

1. Like one of the posters below said, this is going to be the first time you've actually met him which makes this an exception. If you already knew him very well it would be less of an issue but right now you really have no way to know if he is who he has been presenting himself to be so it's best to take precautions simply because this is the first time. If you went there and he turned out to not be what he had presented himself as, but now you're all alone in a foreign country and completely dependent on him....honestly I don't see how your family would think this is a good idea.

2. You, like many people, have a certain amount of pride and dignity that is tied to self sufficiency. This is healthy. by letting him pay for everything, you are robbing yourself of your dignity. He will be "one up" on you, and even though he may have kind intentions and for him money doesn't mean anything because he has so much of it, it makes the relationship very unequal. Work on being self sufficient so you can hold your head high with dignity when you're around him. Otherwise, feeling inferior around him will be like a poison that eats away at the relationship.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (17 February 2012):

Danielepew agony auntHe is not going to think any less of you just because you have less money. If he did, then the relationship wouldn't be worth it. And he doesn't sound like a man unworthy of your attention.

Now, if he has such an easy time with moving, why doesn't he come to you? You two have responsibilities and commitments, so perhaps he can come once in a while and you can explore whether your affection would justify anyone moving to where the other one is.

I don't advise you to take his offer and rely on his money. I don't advise that to anyone. Things get complicated when one of the parties gives money.

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A female reader, mizz.butterflies United States +, writes (17 February 2012):

mizz.butterflies agony auntDO not go to England on your own. suggest he comes see you. if u dont have to spend money on a plane ticket, u will be able to spend some money on ur dates.Not that u need to. its not about finances here,its about manners and courtesy. ur guy wants to be a gentleman so let him be one. u can reciprocate by buying him a present or something. stop feeling sorry for yourself. u have something great going on. also, if he comes to see u, u will be able to balance out the money thing by showing him around :)

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A female reader, OscarsMummyReturns United Kingdom +, writes (17 February 2012):

if you really are soulmates then he should know you inside and out so he should know your situation unless you have been hiding things from him ? If your family are concerned that you met on the internet there is no way they would let you go to a different country to see him so get that out of your mind - if he can afford it he should save up and come to visit you, he can stop in a local hotel and you can think of all kinds things you can do together and places you can visit - if he loves you as you say he wont judge you - you dont have to spend all your time at your house, i know how you feel in a way i dont have the richest background and have at times been embarrased to invite guys back home as my folks are quite old fashioned - but the guys that really really like you dont look at furnishings etc they are too busy being overwhelmed thinking oh my got i am in the hot girls house meeting her folks ! Talk about it, let him save and come to you in the meantime you can save and book places to visit whilst he is with you you could get great deals on the internet?? You have invested a lot of time in this relationship you have to try, but as a girl alone do not visit a new country - perhaps you could do that next time once you parents have met him and can see he is okay xx

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A male reader, honestman Mexico +, writes (17 February 2012):

Girl, you story reminds me somewhat on my story.

My family is in a well financial situation [both of my parents are MDs]. I fell in love of a very wonderful girl while on college.

After I asked her to be my girlfriend, I started to know more and more about her. She comes from a very low income family [her father is retired and her mother have never worked].

To be honest, I NEVER cared if she was poor, or rich, or middle class. All I wanted was her. When I was a single, I really never cared if the girls I liked were economically stable. What I found out, thanks to her, is that, many woman around me were nice with me because of my family's income.

For over 3 years, I have supported her and her sister to continue with their studies with my hard earned money. It has not been easy for me, but I'm proud that I did it all by myself.

She is constantly upset because she doesn't like this situation, but she have not been able to get a job due to the economical downturn. I understand that, and I have never pressured her to get a job, or make her feel bad about it. In our 5 years relationship, I have never referred her anything. I have done all this because I love her and I care for her, and I know that if it wasn't for me, her family's situation would be even worse.

We have been this last year in a LDR, also because of economical troubles. On 2011, I visited her only 7 times. She lives 3 hours away. It is really painful living this way, but every time I see her is like meeting her for the first time. I just fall in love with her again every time I get to see her.

On my personal opinion, I think you should take his offer, save for your ticket, and let him pay the rest of the bills. If this guy is like me, he really doesn't care for paying his bills. If he's like me, he'll do anything just to meet you in person. You won't regret it.

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A female reader, PerhapsNot United States +, writes (17 February 2012):

PerhapsNot agony auntFirst off, let's talk about your feelings of inferiority. You have to keep in mind that he is a college student. The wealth that you see around him is not his own; it's his PARENTS. He doesn't have some fabulous job, making loads of money. He is a student, just like you. If it weren't for his parents' financial status, he would have less than you. Just something to keep in mind.

Secondly, I don't understand your parents here. How on earth is it better if you go to England all on your own to meet a man, you've never met before? It would be so much safer if he came to visit you. He would be at your house and your parents would be there to intervene should anything happen. I understand that your parents don't want him in their home, but if his parents lavish him, he could easily afford a motel or hotel close by. If he came to you, there is still a safety net for you because you have family and friends. The other option is more foolish as you will be all on your own, in a country you're not familiar with, having to trust this person that you have never met in real life.

The truth is you don't know exactly what he is capable of doing. I am not saying he is a creep, but he could very well be one. You only know someone if they're willing to share their inner truths or you see it for yourself. The internet is a very controlled area, even Skype. To go to England all on your own and then to have to depend on someone financially for the rest of the remaining time sound very unwise. You're letting someone control where you can go and eat because you don't have money to direct the course of action.

If you really want to visit him, get a job or a part-time one and save up some money. This way if things don't work out, or you get uneasy about some things, you can stay at a hostel, or hotel and see England as you see it fit. What if something were to happen and you didn't even have money to get a cab or a place to say? Just a bad idea all around.

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