A
female
age
41-50,
*xJG
writes:My husband and I have been married for 15 years (together for 17) and have 3 children (17, 14, and 12). Things between his family and I were tolerable at best in the beginning, but it was well known that they didn't like me because I am white (he is Mexican). I have been told I don't clean (I am OCD about a clean house and mine is cleaner than theirs), I don't cook (my dad and grandmother were chefs and I cook almost every night), and any other insult they could find. I let it all roll off my back and kept my mouth shut. About 8 years ago my husband and I hit a rough patch in our marriage and he cheated on me. I decided to forgive him and work through our problems but he had already lied to his family and told them I was the one that cheated and a whole bunch of other lies. Things have be very bad between my husband and I for about 3 years now and we fight a lot, often to the point that he packs his stuff and leaves and tells his family I kicked him out when I didn't. After he calms down he will beg to come back and I wind up giving in and letting him come back. The problem is his family now hates me and takes it all out on my kids. My children are ignored in public, not invited to birthday parties, and never receive gifts for Christmas or birthdays. Also during all of this both my parents and grandparents have died and I have no other family in the state much less the same town. On one hand I want to divorce my husband and move closer to my family but I also know what my marriage use to be and I want that back. I also do not want to move my kids from the school and community they have known their whole lives. I am unhappy and lonely. And I stay furious about the way my kids are treated. I don't have anywhere to go or anyone that can help me if I did leave. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): You need to leave immediately. Your husband should not treat you this way or let his family be treated this way. If your unhappy? That unhappiness is evidence that there is no love there anymore. That unhappiness that you stem will eventually be felt by your children and they in return will feel unhappy as well. Do you have friends, family, community like people from church or parents you can live with? Key them on your situation and with no explanations tell them I had enough and I'm unhappy don't explain any further. Ask them if they can help you out for some time and leave the bastard.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (7 May 2013):
 Have you spoken to your husband about this? I dont mean about your problems in the marriage, what I mean is have you actually spoken to him about how upset you are about the way the kids are treated, how you are upset that he has told them lies about you and it has made them hate you more, and how you are very lonely now the relationship with his family has gotten worse?
Because the easy solution here would be for you and your husband to visit his family (without your kids), sit down and talk to them face to face. Your husband would have to come clean about his lies and admit that none of it were true, and in fact he cheated on you not the other way around. Then you could get your chance to speak, explain that you would like at the very least for your children to be included in the family, that the problems between you and your husband are not their fault and they shouldnt be left out of the family just because of your marriage issues. Then I'd tell them that you are lonely since the death of your parents and are very unhappy with your life at the moment, and would like to work on building bridges between you and them so you can have a good relationship and a happy family life again.
I think if your husband admitted his lies to his family, and you appealed to them direct to give you a chance and to stop being nasty to the kids, then they might realise you are not so bad after all.
But it will be tough for your husband to admit to his parents what he did, and chances are he is not going to agree to it. If that is the case I think perhaps it is time to leave. Your children are not having much of a life in this 'community' if they are being ignored, so moving them away when things are so bad wouldnt be such a problem. If they were very young and loved by their grandparents, and had lots of friends in the community then I'd think differently. But if they are having a rubbish time too because of this family feud then I wouldnt hesitate to move them away, they'd have your family closer by to help with the transition plus they'd easily make new friends - kids always do.
Talk to your husband first, but if you do have family left in other states then I'd be looking to make a move to be closer to them so you can start to re-build your life, you have been treated incredibly unfairly by his family and most of the recent problems are all your husbands fault - he had the audacity to cheat on you then lie about it to his family, yet you took him back! He is walking all over you and thinks that you will never have the guts to leave, so now is the time to be strong, tell him he has to be com clean to his parents (and you need to be there to see it) otherwise you are leaving.
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A
male
reader, peanut_gallery +, writes (7 May 2013):
You say you want the good days of your marriage back but you didn't mention any details about how it was better and why you miss it. It sounds like you were never really accepted.You are simply an outsider and are being ganged up on. You are being "wronged" here and I fail to see how this will improve as this has been going on for a long time.It's obvious your husband never grew up and is under the "influence" of the family. I take the fact that he begs to come back to you after leaving and that he lies to his family about your actions as proof that he is not a mature adult. Also, keep in mind that if he had the respect of his family you would have been respected as well.This is not a conducive environment for the children and you will most probably have to find a way to move on. It is truly unfortunate that he can't grow a spine and be a good father, husband etc.So, I think you've made it clear that things can't continue this way. Formulate a plan to leave by calling friends, family any business contacts you may have. This may take a while but do it so you can have a plan B. Then, once the plan is in place, find a way to talk to him in a calm, cool and collected way while making certain he understands the seriousness and gravity of the situation.For whatever it's worth (not much), I have one last thought about the numerous "family" related problems I read about here: People seem to forget that their "family" was created by two strangers getting together, dating, falling in love, doing the "jiggi-jiggi" etc., etc. His mom was the neighbor or "hot babe down the street"before they got married and had children. His father might have been the "young dashing guy" with a future etc. Whatever the case may be, it just seems logical that parents and "family" would encourage their children as opposed to meddling, clinging and discouraging them from having a happy family life.
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A
female
reader, lilmishap +, writes (7 May 2013):
is there no where HE can go? clearly ultimatums dont work have u approached the council or womens aid? they are fantastic an dmay be able to offer practical advice. i would give up on the idea of it going back to how it was. Scary i know but the kids must be picking up on this. Far better for them to see you strtuggle and dland on your feet than to keep watching you depressed and at your wits end. they are also learning that this is how adults behave.
As sacry the unknown is its better then the current circumsatances isnt it?
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