A
male
age
41-50,
*adMan76
writes:Hello all.This post is as much venting as asking for others input. The sad truth is that I have nobody to talk to. So sorry if it is long.The big life question I have is: break up with my girlfriend, or settle for her.It is more than just a matter of break-up. I need to look beyond a break-up and consider the potential consequences of it, and how my life might end up.Is she someone to settle for? I feel no. Can I get anyone better? I also feel no.It is all too easy to focus on the negative, like many posts here do. Instead, I will mention some of her good sides first and why I love her. Good* I really love her* Almost ten years together* She is brutally honest, to me and to others. I trust her. No attempt to mislead or manipulate. * Similar values / morals* She is very frugal with money, does not waste a penny.* She wants to marry and maybe have kids. (I want to be a dad).* She is really good at something, in the national elite. I am proud of her.* She is cute and physically attractive (to me).* She accepts a big mental issue I have (I do not trust social media companies like facebook and avoid giving personal information unless absolutely necessary)* She has high achievement in other areas, like academics* No exesThe complicated* I have moved to her country, and have a permanent residency. Returning to where I came from is not feasible for political and practical reasons.* I do not speak the local language much, and would have huge problems making it around myself if we split up in a bad way* I have no close friends here that can help meShort: leaving her might end up very difficult. How do I even find a place to live?The bad* She has a temper/anger issue. Anything trivial can make her explode in anger. I cannot focus much when she is home, feeling I have to keep track of how she feels or hell can break lose. Random small irrelevant things can trigger her tantrums, but sometimes if I spot her irritation early enough I can sometimes defuse it before the explosion. There are traumas about all kind of ordinary things at home, because at some point she has exploded (and hurt me) for them. I am afraid of her.Sometimes she can even go into a destructive rage and start destroying some of (her own) things.* Whenever she gets angry, it is always my fault somehow. Even if I had nothing to do with it or had no way to know the consequences of my actions (like: since I bought the eggs, it is my fault she could drop one on the floor).Reality gets twisted that it is my fault, or at least not hers. And punishment is coming.* She has no boundaries. Any insult or hurting remark is screamed out during her tantrums. These are very very hurtful, and I can feel sick in my stomach for days, if not weeks. Arguments can be on "replay" in my head for weeks afterwards.She has dumped me maybe six times the last ten years, and I have had to ask her to "take me back". The last two times I was like 'meh', and then she stopped the dumping and switched to other ways to hurt me (using details about our intimate life). Whatever bites.* She never retracts her mean words or tries to 'soften up' her harsh words afterwards. Sometimes (not nearly always) in the last few years or so, she has said a brief apology after a tantrum (like: "sorry for earlier"). Never is it "sorry, I did not mean what I said about .... what I really feel is that ... ".* No intimacy for maybe last five years, and I have slept on a mattress in a different room for the last three years. Don't even remember when I got a kiss last.This is not a matter of getting sex. Intimacy is more emotional than physical for me. It makes me feel loved and cared for, and I just long for just getting touched. All the mean comments last years about my preferences would cause problems for me to be able to relax in bed (even if it is with someone new). In my head I would feel like "Anything you say can and will be used against you".* I am unable to talk to her about my feelings or our relationship issues. In the best case, when I try talking, she sits staring at the ceiling, rolling her eyes, and sometimes just leaving the room while I am talking (and without any explanation).In the bad cases: she perceives her being attacked or criticized - which justifies her starting screaming and attacking back. If I try to be very subtle or just express how I feel - she says I am passive aggressive and bitchy. Or also then starts screaming and insulting me.* No emotional support. She seems indifferent about my emotions. Before posting this I have been feeling down for weeks. After two weeks I mentioned to her that "I have been feeling terrible lately". She said that she had noticed, and proceeded to talk about her cutting her toe nails. No question about what bothers me.I often have wished (and almost prayed) that she would put a hand on my shoulder and say something like "How are you? Are you ok? Want to talk about it?". But never going to happen.* Communication from her is mostly negative. It is almost exclusively criticizing and judging, unless she is talking about her favorite topic - herself. I have tried to be positive, tried to be a good example but it is not catching on.* Money has been an issue. She does not want to work, and has decided to stay home without any discussion. (Money is not tight even if only I work, this is more a matter of principle).She has a part time job now and pays part of the expenses (not even half, but at the effort counts)What to do* Maybe I am crazy. She says I should seek mental help, and that I am unfit for a relationship. She is not coherent about why though (or the reasons are different every argument).* I have suggested she seeks help for her anger issues, but she says she rather dump me, and that all women get angry. She also says arguing is normal and anyone who says there is a relationship without fighting is lying.But, I have never argued with anybody other than her, but she is too sensitive to my exes so I cannottell her that (I have promised to never ever to mention any ex unless she asks).How can I significantly improve on my relationship? Is it possible without her really cooperating?* I am 40+. Starting over is not easy. Finding a new partner that I like (see the "good list") seems overwhelming. Is this even possible? Might be a lonely life.* Breaking up has to be done without causing a tantrum. I would need her to help me with practicalities around here, like renting my own place.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 March 2021):
 Glad to hear you found what was right for you and took a big leap into the unknown! Even better, it seems you are doing good!
As for the dating, I can't help. Been married for 20+ years myself and from all that I hear is that the dating is very much conducted online/over tech for many. That doesn't mean you can seek out social events (if your neck of the woods is open for social events) - like museums, art galleries etc. Things YOU are interested in and places you might meet more people interested in the same things.
Congratulations on doing what was right for you.
A
male
reader, SadMan76 +, writes (3 March 2021):
SadMan76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all,
just wanted to thank you all for the advice you gave me 18 months ago, and give you a brief update.
I broke up with my ex over a year ago. I now consider her having some sort of covert narcissistic personality disorder. But there are days when I miss her.
The practical problems of arranging living in this country were solved by a guy running a business helping people moving here. He found me a fantastic apartment, with a lease in Englishm. I hope I can live long time in it.
My fear of loneliness came true too. At least I can start recovering from the abuse. While I don't think I am ready for a new relationship yet, I tried a dating site for a few weeks. To get a feel for the 'market'. Had not though of looking for a date in the last 12-13 years. How do people meet today? The new swipe based apps seem shallow. People are very focused on looks, age and money :-(
Thank you all!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (26 August 2019):
 Keep bringing up followups. One Idea we had was hiring a student for a day to get an apartment. Is that something you could find in a classified listing?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 August 2019):
Thank you for your update and I totally understand that YOUR safety is priority. While locations would perhaps give some clarity it's not worth YOU feeling unsafe here.
Have you considered that if you move out and live on your own you might have a better incentive (so to speak) to learn the language? If she is mainly in charge of dealing with things where the native language is involved, well maybe try and involve yourself (if you do no leave).
It does sound like a "between a rock and a hard place situation" - just remember the ONLY one who can change anything here is YOU, and all you CAN change is what YOU do and how YOU react and what YOU choose to do next.
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A
male
reader, SadMan76 +, writes (26 August 2019):
SadMan76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all, especially @Honeypie and @Fatherly Advice.
The thought of strangers trying to help me without any hidden motives or expectations of reciprocation has left me touched. I cannot thank you enough.
This is another long ramble from me. It is mostly me venting. Somehow writing my thoughts makes me see things clearer. I do not expect anyone to read it, or respond to it.
For those who thought I was "backpedaling" on my situation, it was partially a reaction to suggestions to involve cops, lawyers and social workers in a break up. That feels like a gross overreaction, and if possible I prefer not to have others taking notes about what we argued about and when. Privacy.
@Honeypie: I prefer not to reveal the countries invloved - I would like to, but that might make me identifiable. It is very liberating for me to be able to speak my feelings completely openly, without fearing how they reflect on me, how they can be used against me or how the gossip would go.
With some fear of saying too much already: the complicated part about returning is that my passport is from country A, but I grew up in country B before emigrating to country C (where i live now).
Returning to B is now complicated, and I have no relation to country A (I only speak the language a little, and have no connections there). My family lives in B, but the political situation there also makes me feel uncomfortable living there. Country A has other issues like a significant unemployment, and some trouble finding somewhere to live without connections / financial backers. In many ways 'C' is the best place of the three, the language being the biggest hurdle.
And bosses who take advantage of your dependence on them for residency permit happens to people from Nordic countries too. Before leaving country B, I spoke to people who emigrated from their countries, to hear about their experiences. Among them I spoke to software guy from Sweden, working in the USA. He said the worst part was the boss regularly threatening to kick him out of the country (I thought he had run into the rare psycho, but now I have learnt the hard way that behaviour is somewhat common). EU citizens have residence rights in all EU countries, so obviously there is nothing to threat there.
I have no issues with my finances, my assets are in my name only, and I have enough buffer to survive even a few years without a job if needed. At least one problem I do not have.
Reading a rental contract is not where I need language help in the first place. Around here, apartment rentals are posted to apartment sites, where you can get the landlords number. Then you call and book a viewing. But.. most apartments on the site are utter sht (filthy, slum-style shacks, filled with junk, ...) and since nobody want to rent those, they keep getting relisted over and over. When you actually get to view a good one, you pretty much have to sign the lease on the spot. Waiting means the next person viewing will take it. There is no "let me think about it". It is possible to spend weeks full-time going viewing icky places nobody should live in before finding a livable one - I would need a native speaker to book the viewings with the landlords, help me ask my questions to the landlord and THEN help me read the lease :-(
Landlords are in general old men, who sometimes do not speak English (or just refuse since they hate foreigners?).
@Fatherly Advice: you are opening my eyes, slowly. I have read about emotionally abusive relationships, and typically half of the points on the checklists apply. Guess even one bullet point would be bad.
So many familiar things: the "Dr Jekyll / Mr Hyde" dualism. How my confidence is hurt, the "walking on eggshells", and the feeling of hopelessness about the situation.
This gives me more to think about. It was difficult already.
She has not said anything about a protective order - would not discuss that with her. Also she has NEVER lied to me, NEVER broken a promise. I googled restraining orders, and three different pages I found said it only applied within families and not to non-married couples (like same-sex relationships) nor did it apply for outsiders (like stalkers). But even if it did: what would I say? Cry likea 6-year old that "my girlfriend is mean to me and says mean things"?
There is another reason why I 'paniced' about my possibility to meet someone new. Some time ago I signed up for something called "language exchange". Instead of formal language classes, I teach someone English for 1h, they teach me the local language for 1h. I get to meet new people, and learn some language.
Initially I had my real age on the exchange site. For four months I got no partners, until I got in touch with a lady in her 50s (with age set to 30 on the site). She said she went a year with her real age, but nobody wants to do exchange with anyone 40+. So I tried her advice and set my age to late 30s (felt bad about doing so, but it was just a few notches down). I got six exchange partners in the first week. :-(
That is not even a dating site. Age 'discrimination' wont be any less on the 'dating market' if/when I end up there.
Last: My desire for privacy is not driven by 'safety' from a known threat. If it was, it would be rational. I just *feel* uneasy about having my name, dob, photo online. That makes it irrational. Same way, I don't use Skype because many calls are recorded and kept forever. It *feels* uneasy to speak when I suspect the call might be evesdropped on (and not knowing how what is said will be used). Some of my language exchange partners (females) fickled out from meeting me when they could not find me on facebook - wondering if I was a criminal using a fake name. :-(
So I have to agree a little, that I am not like everyone else. But if this is the worst issue I have, I probably have been dealt an OK hand overall. But this is an issue people notice early on and it becomes a subject in many conversations :-( It can and will hamper my ability to meet people.
Thank you for reading :-)
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (22 August 2019):
 Brilliant! Another poster who gives one impression in his first post then a completely different impression in his follow-up to justify staying put.
You remind me so much of a work colleague who, when I asked her why she had put up with serious physical abuse in her marriage for so many years, told me "because he never put me in hospital until the last incident so I kept telling myself it could be worse"! When her (now ex) husband battered her so badly she did end up in hospital, the social services got involved as there were 3 children in the house. It was only because she was told her children would be forcibly taken into care if her husband was allowed to return home that she decided to leave him, otherwise she would have put up with being battered "because it could be worse".
You will do what you will do. We can only give advice. It seems you found a reason for dismissing every piece of advice given, and that is entirely YOUR choice. You obviously don't really want to change anything. As you said in your first post, this was as much "venting" as anything else. Hopefully you feel better for having got it out of your system.
Just a point: you do NOT need to be married to get a restraining order. That is just complete nonsense. However, your "revised" version of your situation would not warrant one anyway.
Stay happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2019): You're a victim of domestic violence.This woman has you trained to believe nobody else would want you when infact nobody would want HER!What are you getting out of the relationship apart from a roof over your head? No intimacy, no emotional support, not even friendship. The woman is vile to you. A simple solution would be to temporarily move home to be near your family whilst you heal from this toxic relationship - have you not considered this? You NEED their support to heal from this and reflect, you shouldn't attempt to deal with abuse alone! Is your home in both your names? Do you have separate bank accounts? It looks to me like she is abusing you physically, emotionally and financially (she choses not to work because she has you supporting her lazy behind). My first thought is let your family know what is going on then look for work back home. Send her out to the shops one day then just leave - get yourself and your bags to the airport and go be with your family! Then you can re-build. You're paying a high price for the sake of staying in her home country and she knows that whilst you're there you are reliant on her.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (21 August 2019):
Thanks for following up.
Many men refuse to report abusive behavior for the very real fear of ridicule, or prosecution. I was afraid that you would as well. I'm glad your english is good, and that you fully understand the advice you are getting. You are following one other pattern of abused people. and we need to discuss it.
You down play and make excuses for the abuse. You magnify the good points, to make up for the intolerable. All the signs of a deliberately mismatched power structure designed to keep an abused person captive are in your posts.
Here are some examples.
She doesn't work, so you have to be the sole provider. This leaves you no time or energy to learn the language. This keep you isolated and in fear.
You believe that your safety rules for social media (simple and normal rules) ar a sign of a mental disorder that no one else would accept.
She uses her beauty and age to convince you that you could never find as good of a woman. But you found her, and older men find good matches all the time.
She has promised you marriage and children that you desire. But in reality she has rejected you sexually for half of your relationship. Without sex there will be no children and any marriage would just be more captivity.
She verbally punishes you regularly. Sometimes creating things to punish you for.
You feel that it is your responsibility to keep her from punishing you.
She controls the money that you earn to keep you from saving up enough to leave.
She has convinced you that you can not get a protective order. I'm guessing that you live in europe and this would not be true there.
Like many abuse victims you would rather live with the abuse than live alone. To break this cycle you will need to get an advocate who can help you get away. Your 10 year relationship ended 5 years ago. All you need to do to get out of it is to refuse to listen to her abusive words. To stop believing the labels she is creating to destroy your power of self determination. You can stay until picture tearing moves to plate smashing and then on to face smashing , flesh tearing and bone breaking. Or you can bravely turn your back on her and find someone who really does share your goal of marriage.
And finally if nothing else will convince you, Find out who her new boyfriend is. The affair has been ongoing for about 6 years.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 August 2019):
No one have an EASY solution, OP
Could you perhaps add your country of origin and where you live now? Would that be safe for you?
Because YES, as someone who has ALSO moved around different countries I know it's not easy, but I might also have the advantage in being from a Nordic country. I have never had issues with employers "owning me" when living outside of my own country, but again I had "free range" in Europe due to my origins.
If you are still taking language classes, could you ASK your teacher about what to look out for in a rental agreement?
And if you work full time, does that COVER your living expenses? (if you were on your own).
As far as dating anyone new, I think THAT is premature to think about. Seriously. One thing at a time.
No one but you have to decide what's next. We are just trying to offer suggestions based on what YOU write.
Can you really see yourself with your GF the next 5 -10+ years?
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A
male
reader, SadMan76 +, writes (20 August 2019):
SadMan76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the answers. Your words have been on my mind all day today.
Was little worried that the women here would take the female's side automatically.
But thank you for not doing so automatically.
Maybe my relationship sounded worse than it might be? There is no violence (only verbal and emotional abuse, occasionally). The tantrums are not there every day, not even every week. Maybe once a month or so, and between them she is the same woman I once fell head over heels for. When I say she starts destroying things, I mean like tearing childhood photos of her - not smashing plates.
Those who suggest a restraining order: seems I cannot get that since we are not married.
Moving to one more country ... I have considered that. But for those who have never moved to another country: the world has become harsh towards immigrants. We are usually assumed to be criminals and do-no-gooders. Before you get a permanent residency your boss owns your ass. If you get fired, you gotta leave the country on a short notice. Bosses know that, and use it for coercing you (this is pretty universal in the world). I have no desire to go through that hell again, I have just got a permanent residency (and had planned to go for a citizenship in a few years, once I am too old to do the mandatory military service).
Another good part with my current gf is that she has said (many times, even recently) she would come with me to the end of the world if I wanted to move there. Sigh.
And I do speak some of the local language here, but not enough to discuss or read a rent agreement. Learning a language while working full time (with long hours) is tough. I tried taking classes after work, but was often too tired to give it 100%.
Finding a job here is not very hard, English usually suffices. The younger generation (under 20-25) speak English, and many people with a college degree understand it.
About meeting women ... I have a friend who had to start dating again at 40, and he said sarcastically that "it is great if you like fat single mums". So of course it might be possible to meet *someone*, even for me, but the problem would be to find someone I want to have and be with. And if I want to have children, I better aim at someone a bit younger than me (like in her late 20s, maybe very early 30s). Where to meet one is a mystery to me.
Anyway, thanks for telling me what I already "knew".
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 August 2019):
Wow! You are seriously considering bringing children into this already abusive and volatile situation? Aside from the practicalities of having children with someone who doesn't even touch you let alone have sex with you, how could you protect your children from the same abuse YOU are suffering? You can't even adequately protect yourself. Is this what you want for your future children? Can you even begin to imagine how traumatized they would be, growing up in this sort of environment?
WHY do you have no friends? WHY have you not learned to speak the language where you live? Is it because you are not allowed to by your girlfriend?
I agree with Honeypie's advice. If you can't live in this country on your own, you need to get out and live elsewhere. There are more than 2 countries in the world. It is not a choice between this country and the one you came from (which you say you cannot go back to).
Seriously, you need OUT of this situation as soon as possible. There is NO way you are going to be able to do this WITHOUT upsetting your girlfriend. There is no way you can do this and remain on friendly terms with her. You are not even on friendly terms NOW, for crying out loud.
Maybe the first step in escaping this abusive situation is to make contact with others from your birth country (or at least who speak the same language) to make friends and get advice/support/help.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (19 August 2019):
That was difficult to read in an emotional way. You have spelled out the problem in the relationship completely. The problems are major. There are no small issues here.
In good conscience there is only one advice I can give you. Get out and get away before she really injures you or kills you.
The reason that you feel you can not find another partner is the years that she has beat you down and destroyed your confidence. You are every bit as good a catch as you were 10 years ago.
The way to break up without a tantrum is to get her served with a protective order. Get a lawyer, or a social worker and get it done.
You are a victim of domestic violence.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 August 2019):
If I were you I'd start saving up to leave her.
I think it would be a mistakes to stay. You might need therapy, but in your case you are a "hostage" with nowhere to go and place to call home. You NEED to accept that YOU deserve better than this.
If you can't go to your home country, where WOULD you like to go? can you speak the language? It is feasible to move there? Do some research.
Potentially look for a job AWAY from "home and her". Sell whatever belonging that are YOURS and you can't bring with you. Make sure you keep ALL your personal documents safe.
You need to get out of there. You say you think you can't do better... I can't see anyone doing WORSE!
Why stay in a country where you aren't fluent? There is little to no way for you to find GOOD employment! It;s time for drastic change but YOU have to take charge.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 August 2019):
 Now delete this before she sees it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 August 2019):
Starting installing secret cams around the house and document any abuse or threat. If you don't have friends, cams would be the only witness.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 August 2019):
You have put up with her for 10 years and you are in denial of how bad things really are. If finding a girlfriend without anger issues is hard, then just stay single. You are not too far from having no intimacy anyway. When do you get citizenship? I think you have to start looking at her as the annoying landlord until you can find a new place to move into. If you keep your high hopes of her improving her personalities you are bound to be disappointed. Her cruel ways are just to keep you controlled, and from leaving her, that's all.
She has destroyed property. So it's very possible that there would be physical abuse. You ask how breakup is done. Sorry, calling the police is what you do to take care of things. At least that's what I would do in my country. Don't know if that works in your country.
You've been a softie all these years and that's why nothing happened. I am not saying fight back, yell back. But you need a different approach if changing her is futile. The only other way is to provoke her passive aggressively until she explodes, literally out of her home for your benefit. If you know what I mean.
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