A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Me and my ex split just over a year ago, i left him and took our daughter, i couldn't handle his lies, and drink problem. We'd been together for over 4 years. Im dating other men now, he dated a lady but heard he messed that up too. He goes counselling every wk and i no he is in a better stronger place with his drink problrem. And through all this he still asking me back, today he said againhe loves me still and wants to try is again. I on the other hand is scared to trust him again, Im not sure i could go through leaving him againan messing with our daughters head! Has anyone had similar problems? Do i carry being strong and say no or do i try again?I care about him, but his lies hurt so much. Any advice will be great thanks
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 November 2012):
 Once he is fully in recovery (no drinking and has properly worked his program) FOR A FULL YEAR, IF then you two want to try it again, and you are game you can
UNTIL he is fully in recovery for ONE YEAR I'd say no.
I would tell him "I love you but I'm torn and to make sure you have the commitment needed to make this work, I need you fully in recovery for one year before we can even talk about getting back together"
then you live your life for the year...
part of a healthy recovery from addictions is NO RELATIONSHIPS FOR A YEAR from the start of sobriety.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): Well you care about him, that's natural, you were together 4 years and have a daughter together. Caring however isn't love OP.
Before you think any further about this, you need to ask yourself first and foremost if you "Love" him in return enough to be able to give him another chance.
There's no point considering whether or not to trust him and give things another shot if you don't love him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEverything u just said is pretty much what i have been thinking.
I can't do that to my daughter again, there's just no guarantee he won't mess up again! Its just so hard having him tell me he loves me all time.
Thank you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): OP if this felt right you wouldn't even need to ask us, you'd already give it a go but it doesn't feel right for you OP and with good reason too. Keep saying no, trust your gut OP. The guy is a liar, you can't trust that he's a changed man. The drinking my have lessened, he may be making good progress there but liars don't stop lying OP and there is quite literally nothing worse for an alcoholic than to go right back into the situation where they were drinking the most and at their worst.
OP he dated a lady and messed that up too, he's simply not relationship material and I bet you still feel that 4 years with him was too long and you should have left sooner. OP if you can safely say you never put up with too much from this man, you never let him get away with too much then yeah, maybe you'll be able to make it work this time and the risk will be low. But you can't say that can you? I have a feeling you may have even wasted a year or two letting him walk all over you. Why would you want any of that again? Why would you even risk any of that?
OP love is never enough, you have too much history and you can't trust him with your heart. Do you really want to get back with him, have everything be amazing and sweet for about the first year as he really makes an effort to win you over, only for him to slip right back into type and for the lies to begin again?
Now here's the clincher OP and the very reason you're just not going to bother; your daughter. She really doesn't deserve to have him come back and play happy families just to leave again, just for things to get messed up again. You quite simply cannot take that risk with your daughters heart. You sound like you have a nice amicable thing going on now, you talk, you maintain contact and there is no real bitterness or trouble between you. This quite literally the best situation for her. Do you really want to mess up with that whole thing and risk it being destroyed by another attempt that went horribly wrong? Maybe even to the stage where you just can't stand each other?
For you this would be a massive risk, one taken based on love and not good judgement. I wouldn't advise it if you had no other responsibilities, but I think it's a completely no-go in terms of how it may effect your daughter. You're a grown woman, you can take the risk and handle the failure. I don't think it would be fair to expect the same of your daughter. The absolute elation and excitement of having her family back only to have that torn away from her is something that to me represents far too big a risk.
She has security, stability, two loving parents that adore her and have an amicable relationship. A father who had his issues but now is dealing with them and becoming better, a mother free from a toxic relationship who is enjoying her life and dating again. Why risk that?
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