A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my girlfriend met under unusual circumstances which ultimately led to me getting my heartbroken right before we started dating. At the time I met her I was currently dating someone else. I had already been planning on confessing to my girlfriend at the time that I had not been faithful in our long distance relationship and that I wanted to just be friends. While I was getting to know my soon to be girlfriend I told her that I was talking to someone but I didn’t go into detail. I later on told her that I had a girlfriend that I was going to break up with. She understood. Me and my soon to be girl ended up sleeping together before I had the chance to confess everything to my girlfriend at the time. I ended up sleeping with my girlfriend at the time one last time before I confessed everything. She was heartbroken and I felt really bad for breaking her heart. I told my soon to be girlfriend that I slept with her once and we agreed to make an agreement to only sleep with each other from that day on. I agreed because I really only wanted to be with her. Neither one of us wanted to rush into a relationship. She wanted to remain single and I wanted some time for me to fully make sure my past relationship was behind me. We kept the agreement going strong for two months until she got mad at me one night that we went out. She got mad because I walked to meet one of my female friends that I wanted to introduce to her so we could all go out together. My soon to be girl left to walk to the bar without me. She didn’t talk to me the whole time when I got there with my friend. She was all up in every guys face. I usually let her mingle because I’m not the jealous type but she was straight up ignoring me. She told me that she would meet me and my friend at my apt. when the bar was letting out. My friend left after a while and my soon to be girl still wasn’t there. She finally walks to her car which was parked outside my apt with another guy. I opened my door and she said she would be right back. I figured she would since she left her purse at my place. It was already like 2:45 am. She didn’t come back til like 5 am and she had to be at work at 6am. I was mad so I handed her purse to her and closed the door. She called me when she got home to tell me nothing happened. I wanted to talk about it but she wouldn’t come over. A week went by so I decided to write her an email. It took her another week to respond to that. All she said was, “Thanks for the novel”The weekend she responded we spent the day at her parent’s house and she came over to spend the night. She said she was tired so we laid down and cuddled. She got a text from the guy and she tried to say it was an emergency. I told her it’s just a booty call because it was after 3am. She still left me that night. I asked her the next day what was so important she said he was just playin round then she left. I knew that didn’t sound right. About 7 weeks later she confessed to me that she slept with the guy twice. My heart fell to the floor when she finally admitted it. I found plan b in her drawer when I was helping her move into her apt that following week and it was bought the day after she left me to go see him. I can’t express the pain I felt and no matter what I say to her she will never know how much pain she put me through. I thought our agreement meant something to her. For her to sleep with someone she barely knew twice in two weeks made me feel like maybe she wasn’t so special after all. she said she didn't enjoy the sex with him and she regrets doing it. She says that she only wants to be with me and she was scared that i didn't want her since we barely talked about our feelings for each other then. I decided to try to work things out with her.We’ve been dating for 6 months now and she has been a great girlfriend. She doesn’t give me any reason to believe she would do it again. She always says she’s never cheated on her boyfriend and that I have nothing to worry about. I’m really trying to get over this but she really did hurt me when she just gave up on what we had going. Before I felt like I was on cloud 9 now I feel like I’m on cloud 6 and I don’t know If I will ever get back to where we were when I blindly trusted her with my heart prematurely. Do I have the right to still be hung up over this bad month that happened before we started dating??Please give me any helpful advice. I love her, but this goes thru my head everyday and it’s driving me crazy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for all the feedback. this has really helped me through a tough time in my life. I will definitely keep my guard up. I don't think she'll do anything like that now, but then again i didn't think she would before either. It's hard because i am not able to look at her the way i used to and i really miss those days. I thought i had really found a girl that was right for me. I'm hoping i can get back there one day. She's great to me now, but there's nothing that she can do to get back what she lost when she decided to hurt me. she really wants a future with me and she gets mad when i don't openly talk about if i want one with her or not. I just tell her i can picture one with her and i hope everything works out. she told me she wants to move away with me if i land a job somewhere else. that's a big decision and i want to be sure that's what i want before i commit to something like that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Sorry about the late reply dude, well my situation isnt exactly the same, but I also let the things that my Gf has done in the past, get to me. I hate it when im with her and i think about the things because it makes the atmousphere go awkward and i've ruined relationships by being like that before, try not let it happen pal. Tbh this girl seems quite loyal towards you now, but i recommend you dont let your guard down and fall for her so deeply you couldnt live without her etc...
Im sort of back with her now but I still get annoyed when I think of the way she acts sometimes, she didnt cheat as far as I know, but acts very flirty around other lads, and she mixes up her stories sometimes, which makes me think about things too much. However like yourself I have become quite guarded to fall deep in love with her again and if the worse does happen and she does it again or breaks up with you, at least you havent completely committed your life towards her and it may not hurt quite as much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the feedback. I do act differently when it’s on my mind. I become cold, distant, and quiet. It used to be real noticeable but it has gotten better with time. She can sense when I’m being that way and it hurts her. She doesn’t like the fact that I won’t tell her what’s on my mind like I used to. If I am thinking about something related to that I will just say “nothing, I’m just chillin.” I know it wouldn’t be good to talk about it every time a thought crosses my mind. That would ruin our relationship. Besides all she would say is “I need to get over it because it happened a long time ago and things are different now. “ she would also tell me I have nothing to worry about because we are dating now and she wouldn’t do anything like that now.
Your last paragraph is exactly why I am still guarded. When I think about it I just feel like she didn’t give a damn about me then. She tried to get rid of me just so she wouldn’t fall in love with me. I mean at the time I told her I wasn’t ready to start another relationship but I still knew I only wanted to be intimate with her. I would’ve never slept with someone else just to try to get rid of the feelings that I had for her.
She knew I wouldn’t like her sleeping with anyone else. All she can say when it’s brought up is, “We weren’t dating” That may be true but she still gave me her word that we would only sleep with each other so why should I believe her word now just because we’re dating. During this bad time, she gave excuses like she wanted to concentrate on her school work more, she wanted to spend more time w/ her family before she moved into her apt., she wanted to stay home and pack. She did all those things, but none of those excuses was the real reason why she didn’t want to spend time with me. All of the lies really destroyed the respect and trust that I had for her, and I’m trying to get it back.
I can see a future with her more than I could with any other girl in my past. I would like to be with her 10 yrs from now, but I’m still going to think things all the way through and take it one day at a time.
I’m going to continue to have my guard up until I feel like I am totally ready to let it down. I just hope that day isn’t too far away. You said you had a similar situation. What happended? How did it work out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): I understand where your coming from a bit more now, to me she sounds quite immature and although she's saying all this stuff like she wants to be with you forever etc... dont believe it too much, people's minds change very quickly and although im sure she does love you, can you really see yourself with her in 10 years time? It seems like your a decent guy, but if you dont let these thoughts go, it will affect your relationship, have you noticed any way you act differently around her when youve been bugging yourself with the thought of her and that man?It really does sound like my situation, quite similar indeed. As for you being guarded, I dont think thats necassarrily a bad thing, when you 1st met and you fell head over heels you probably thought she'd never do that kind of thing, now you know she is capable your mind is probably trying to prevent you from hurting so much if she did do it again. Hope this helps but im just blabbering now lol .
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it. Miamine- that night she knew that me and my female friend was nothing more because my friend used to talk to my homeboy; not me. I tried to introduce them to each other at my apt. before we went out that night. She got mad that I walked half way down the street to meet my friend and she left to go to the bar without me. Once me and my friend go their she was already ignoring me.
I don’t feel like we are even because I did not try to hide anything from her. She hid what she did from me for almost two months. I didn’t interrogate her too hard but from the answers she gave me I thought it was safe to say that nothing happened. I was wrong.
Deej Deej- I know what happened and I have accepted that. The main thing that bothers me now is the trust issue. Before that bad time period she would tell me everything (good and bad), and that’s what made me trust her so much. When I did what I did, I told her right away. I did not try to hide it for almost two months like she did. It's not what she did; it's how she did it that bothers me the most. I felt really disrespected because we always told each other the truth whether it was something the other person wanted to hear or not. I wouldn't call it jealousy because it doesn't bother me when other guys try to talk to her. My girl is beautiful and I know she will get approached by guys on a daily basis. That’s fine with me as long as she respects me. I don’t think she would do anything now. Before, I didn’t think it was possible for her to do me like that. The past makes it harder for me to believe some of the things that she tells me now. She says stuff like, “she’s never felt this way about someone” “she wants to spend the rest of her life with me” “she’s always loved me” “she loves me more than I love her”. When she says statements like that I think to myself that, “she would not have slept with someone else while we was talking if all of that was true.”
One more thing to add to this so you guys will understand the whole situation. I’m going to tell you what she said was going thru her mind at that time. She knew that I would graduate from grad school at the end of 09, and the thought of her getting close to me and me moving away terrified her. She wanted to run away from our situation because she was brought up in the military, and she was separated from two of her past boyfriends that she really loved. At the time she felt like I was just keeping her around for the time being since I wasn’t trying to bring up any relationship talk. I just wasn’t ready to jump right into another relationship so fast. I tried to show her that I really cared but I guess the things I did wasn’t enough to convince her. She was also communicating with one of her past boyfriends before we got close and he was planning to come and visit her so she wasn’t trying to get too close to anyone around the time we first met.
I just miss the times when I was truly falling in love with her. When I became single I never chose anyone over her, but she was able to choose someone over me more than once during that time and that hurts. Things are different for me now because I am so guarded when it comes to letting her get close to me again. I really hope I get over this in time and I hope I’ll be able to love her with all of my heart again. Please give me more feedback on this. thanks
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (30 January 2010):
 "Me and my soon to be girl ended up sleeping together before I had the chance to confess everything to my girlfriend at the time. I ended up sleeping with my girlfriend at the time one last time before I confessed everything. She was heartbroken and I felt really bad for breaking her heart"(Quote)
I'd say your about even now. You broke her heart by sleeping with her and then sleeping with your ex girlfriend. You made her jealous when she saw you with your female "friend" at the bar, she didn't know what to think. She's been hurt by you, now you know what it feels like to be hurt by some one and not to trust them. Even I say. I suggest you make a new contract and promise from now on to stay faithful no matter what.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): To be honest with you mate i'd be the same, once that trust barrier has been broken it may take a very long time to heal, or maybe it never will. You say that you arent the jealous type but i have to question that, if it goes through your mind every day then you obviously feel insecure in your relationship. And you have good reason for it, as hard as it might seem your just going to have to let this one go if you really want to be with your girl. If you keep this jealousy up its just going to destroy you inside and eventually destroy your relationship. I've been in your position where jealousy controlled my head in the relationship and it made me act completely different around her, it makes you look possessive and controlling.. Tell yourself that your going to have to trust her or you'll lose her. Good luck.
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