A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a girl for 21 months. Back in November, I found out by looking in her laptop that she had been talking inappropriately to other guys. That hurt me a lot and I forgave and forgot so we could move on after she apologized. Now, she found out by looking through my phone that I have recently been doing the exact same thing to her basically. I am a hypocrite and a low-life scum according to her (I don't blame her for thinking that I guess) and she has ended it between us. Am I deserving of a second chance with her after an apology, just like the one I gave her back in November? I've never cheated and as far as I know, she never did either. I'm taking this pretty hard right now and just want an outside, unbiased, opinion.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (28 June 2011):
 Well I have to agree with her. You are a bit of a hypocrite. You got angry at her and then went out and did the exact same thing. Yes what she did was horrible, but two wrongs don't make a right. Why did you go and do the exact same thing you got angry with her? Was it spite? Because you claim to have forgiven her, but it seems a bit like you more took her back to hurt her in the same way. Forgiving means you don't exact revenge, it means you truly move on. If you wanted to put this behind you, bringing it right to the front of your problems again wasn't the way to do that.
Unfortunately it doesn't really matter how many other people think you do or don't deserve a second chance, because if she doesn't think so then nothing else matters. I think at this point you've both wrecked each others' trust so thoroughly that I'm not sure it would be easy or even possible to recover.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): Clearly there are trust issues in this relationship now and what would be the point in being together unless you both agree to wipe the slate clean.
You knew how it felt to find out your girlfriend was doing that, what did you hope to achieve by stooping to her level?? Two wrong do not make a right and to expect her to forgive you the same as you forgave her, thats just a bit imature really.
Sit down with her, clear the air and agree to a fresh start by putting it all behind you.
If she cannot do this, then move on as this is not a mature respectful relationship and there would always be problems with trust. If you don't have trust then you have nothing in my opinion. I do hope it works out for you both.
Good Luck.x
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 This isn't about building up favours and deserving a chance. She is the only one who gets to decide if she thinks the relationship, and you, are worth another chance. For many of us, second chances don't exist. It's either you're in, or you're out, no juggling in between.
Relationships that go on and off also have a bad track record. In fact, the chances of her taking you back once you've already broken up once are slimmer than if you and her had never been off at all up until now.
You took her back in the past, because at that time you thought it would be worth it. Now the situation isn't the same, time has passed, and the issue is a different one. Yes, you did the same thing, but you are now also a hypocrite, that goes on in addition to the first issue. There might also be other things in the relationship that has been revealed since your first break-up.
What I am saying is that only she decides if this is worth yet another go. It's not like people in a relationship have a secret card that allows them to call it off once each without it meaning anything. You don't. You took her back... but there is no guarantee she'll do the same.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): No, you don't deserve anything. When trust is broken it is up to the other party to decide if you are worthy of another chance. A lesson about life. none of us deserve anything, what we get is a gift. When you done the same thing, you pretty much just proved that this relationship isn't working out for either of you. Yeah, she made a mistake, you forgave her, you were suppose to be working on your relationship, not trying to hook up with other people. That was a commitment you made too when you forgave her. You didn't forgive her so you could get an out when you got caught doing something. If she decides to give you another chance, then that is her choice. don't fool yourself into thinking that just because you did it that she should too. If you really want this relationship you will stop whatever behaviors you did to cause this to happen and ask for her forgiveness based on what you did, not what she did in the past. You already forgave that, it is in the past. Sounds to me like you are throwing up what she did to guilt her into giving you another chance. If you really want her forgiveness, this isn't the way to get it. Own up to your own mistake to her, it has nothing to do with her. You made that choice on your own. But first decide if you are willing to commit to this relationship because right now, it seems like you aren't that committed.
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A
female
reader, RainyJune  +, writes (27 June 2011):
I understand why your gf wont give you a second chance. Discovering that your man has been chatting to other woman causes a huge dent in the trust between two people and it causes massive issues with self confidence aswell as im sure you are aware as she did it to you so i can imagine you can relate to how she feels.
Some people are more forgiving than others as you have found out as well since you were able to forgive her but she has been unable to forgive you.
When people cheat in relationships, text, facebook, msn, skype etc, even if they dont intend to follow through with physically cheating there mind IS elsewhere and focused on another individual that is not their partner. This is very painful for the other person. I do strongly beleive that people stray if in their relationship their is a fundamental need not being met. Often people assume its because they are not getting enough sex but studies on both men and woman have proven that it is usually an emotional need that is not being met which leads me to think that somewhere lurking about in your relationship there was an issue.
If you truelly want to fix your partnership with your gf then it would really mean getting to the bottom of why she strayed and why you strayed and trying to work out if its something you both can fix together and grow from. If things like this are not dealt with at the very core they generally turn into resentment within the relationship which of course just ruins things.
If your gf really does want to be with you she would hear you out and at the very least discuss what has happened within your relationship however it doesnt mean she HAS to give you a second chance just because you gave her one. She is entitle to make her own choices regarding what she does but i do think that if she really wanted you back in her life then she would at least be willing to consider the possibility of trying to patch things up. Many relasionship recover from things like this but only if both people put in the work at discovering the reasons behind the straying.
Explain your intentions about talking it out, ask if she would consider having chat about it and give her time to think without pushing her. If she doesnt want to give you the time of day then think about moving on and carry the lesson with you.
Wish you all the best and i do hope you both can work things out with some important lessons learned.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Tell us how you reacted to her online flirting. How did you confront her about it? What did you say? How did you say it? Did you promise that you would never in a million years do that to her?
I'd say not enough information but I think it's not sounding too promising for you two to have a viable relationship.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 June 2011):
No one deserves anything here. In truth you are both two people who were not committed, and you are both hypocrites in your own way.
In a relationship, when you screw up or hurt the person you love, you're not automatically entitled to forgiveness or a second chance. You have to earn it. And when you forgive someone, you are supposed to set the better example.
When you forgave her, you agreed with her that you would both put this behind you and work on the issues you had. What you have subsequently done is throw it away. You have made it seem as if you've not forgiven her, you'd lowered yourself and worst of all you're thinking that you deserve a second chance because you gave her a second chance. Sorry, but you don't - that's not a two way thing. She doesn't have to give you a second chance, because it meant absolutely nothing before when you gave it to her and she knows it. All that happened was you did to her what happened to you. How many more times will one of you mess up? After all, both of you have proved that you're not suitable for a relationship at this time. It'll only happen again.
You've both screwed this relationship up. Time to move on, mature, learn from this. Don't screw up another relationship like this again.
Remember - you earn a relationship, you don't just deserve it.
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