A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I will try and keep things factual! I have a bf who I have been seeing for 4 years, we don't live together but there is a strong feeling of love between us. He tried to move in last year but I stopped him because I wasn't ready. partly because of this and also because his father died in February and he lives with his mum who is needing to be watched, things have been a bit rocky this year. which unsettles me because we now have no intimacy and he won't stay over either and I can't stay with him because there's no room.My other complication is that my ex-husband wants us to have a second chance. He is offering a lot of security and the chance for our family to get back together again as we have 3 grown up children with a granddaughter too.I love my bf, although I am getting absolutely nothing out of this relationship, not even being taken out for an occasional meal or even a coffee! but he is like a drug as he has a great personality and I feel a connection to him like I've never had before. But although he offers me nothing, I get some kind of satisfaction from his companionship, we don't argue, I can talk to him about practically anything, he is young at heart and in one sense we can have great days out together with lots to talk about. When we are out though, he rarely buys me a coffee or anything, he's not very giving and he has nothing to offer me, I have been single long enough to know that we all have to provide for ourselves financially etc, but I will have nothing but good companionship with him.My ex husband on the other hand is someone who claims I have always been the love of his life, wants to take care of me and try to make things work. We could have a great future together with security of property, finance and our family will find it easier to see us both if we are united. But I don't love him romantically. We have been apart for7 years and divorced for 3. It would be hard for our children to see us get together for a while as things were turbulent when we broke up but that was actually because we loved each other then. We broke up because we got together when we were at school, too young and we have been apart long enough to realise what went wrong and although we don't kid ourselves, we both realise things won't be perfect and romantic but there would be a chance to start again and iron out some problems.To make things worse, I'm going to need an operation soon and my ex has offered to let me recuperate at his house and has booked time off work, my bf on the other hand has just suggested I buy microwave meals and he would get my shopping, but nothing else! he doesn't know my ex has made these suggestions. I am going to need 6 weeks of no housework, no lifting etc after my operation and my ex is wanting to wrap me in cotton wool but my bf is not really wanting or offering to help much.How do I make the right decision! If I take my ex's offer, I will lose my bf for good and I do have strong feelings of love for him, he has a hold over me although I'm not really getting anything out of this relationship right now, I keep waiting in the hope that things will improve.Some perspective would be appreciated, thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2014): Your bf is so tight he squeaks. Your ex sounds wonderful; however, you're not in love with him. Doesn't sound as if either man is the right one for you.
Regarding recouping after surgery, do you have family or friends who will assist your during that time? If you no longer love your husband, he will feel used if he assists you during that time and you decide not to get back with him.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (20 October 2014):
You don’t have any romantic feelings for your ex anymore and all your reasons for taking him back seem to revolve around security, or your children, who are grown up now. It’s a bad idea to stay together for the sake of the kids when they actually are kids, never mind when they’re grown up and getting on with their own lives. I’m sure they’ve come to terms with the fact that you have both split up and that they will see you and their father separately. These are not reasons to take some-one back. I think the presence of your ex has stirred up old emotions and given you rose-tinted glasses through which the grass on the other side looks a lot greener. This is why you don’t describe any efforts to try and talk to your boyfriend, to tell him how you feel, or what you need. Maybe he just doesn’t know what will help, or realise that you don’t feel appreciated by him. Perhaps all it’ll take is telling him how much you’d like to do something romantic together, even if it’s just a dinner out or to go and see a film or something. He’s probably got caught up with his family circumstances, and you’re not investing in the communication needed to make this relationship work because you’re a bit caught up with your own family circumstances in the form of your ex’s continued presence and offers to rebuild the marriage.
If you’re not in love with your boyfriend then perhaps the answer to your question is that neither man is right for you. If you are, realise that the ex deserves better than to be second best, and you deserve better than to settle for second best, and focus on working with your boyfriend to address the problems in your relationship. They’re problems of forgetting to appreciate each other, and getting stuck in a rut. They’re actually pretty common.
I wish you all the very best.
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