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I got involved with a coworker who spun a web of lies. Now he wants to be civil and I feel confused

Tagged as: Big Questions, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 August 2018) 2 Answers - (Newest, 12 August 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hello all,

I got in a relationship with somebody from work, he'd been unhappy in his relationship,they have two kids less than 5 years old together.

Initially we were friends, he brought me out of my shell when I returned to work after maternity I split with my child's dad when I was pregnant, long term relationship,ten years together engaged, he met sone body else at work, left when I was pregnant, it broke me...initially him and I were friends and he began to tell me how unhappy he was..I tried through my own experience with my child's dad, to get him to talk to her, be honest, after all this time together, especially with kids involved, to try to make it work, and if not, speak to her with what wasn't working..he decided he wanted to end it and I told him, through the hurt I felt, that he needed to do it as compassionately as possible, that if he couldn't respect her for all the time they were together, then he mustgive her the respect she deserves as the mother of their children. They un fortunately split and for a while I broke away from the friendship..I felt it was best as in the initial stages of the split, his venting turned to him taking his anger and hurt out on me, which I wasnt having or being a part of.through friends I learned he'd move in with his mum and him and his ex were working to raise the kids seperately. About a month after the split, he asked for a catch up, apologised for all the things he took out on me and told me through all of this, I was who he wanted, that I'd supported him with no agenda and he wanted to be with ne. For the next month I turned him down, said it was too quick to move on and he needed to focus on him, his family and his children. After around 8 weeks I agreed to food out and after a long conversation, agreed to dating, however on an extremely slow basis. Four months of dating, at a slow pace, he felt he wanted to share it with people at work. I told him that was OK, however his ex needed to not know as right now it was too early, and until the point in the future if I was to meet his children, far future bear in mind, as nobody will meet my child I'm saying before ten plus months together at least, would he then need to tell his ex. When we told people at work however, things began to come out of the woodwork, people thinking he was spinning me a lie...after some not so great catfish ing by people on my team at work..yes I know childish games..I had no knowledge until it all came out...he was in fact leading a life of lies as he'd never split with her. Never moved out...she and his mother came at me. We're unwilling to accept I had no idea. .and basically went for the kill. I had to get the police involved the threats were that constant and horrid, majority including my son. Obviously I and majority of work wanted nothing to do with him..and lo and beyond he then proposes to her.that same weke and she's messed up to say the least...anyway, 7 months on and he's in work, same team now and has broken the Ice in getting Me to a knowledge him. Truth is however, he has never apologised, won't even acknowledge any of it and wants to act as though it all never happened. I can't ever be a person to be bitter or hold a grudge. I had to let go of a lot of hurt with my child's dad, which hurt so much more than this, my question is, how do I act with him, what do I do. Should I be demanding some Form of an apology before I even try to ve civil. He goes over the top to speak with me. I just feel like I'm being the awkward one,how would you react.

View related questions: at work, engaged, his ex, move on, moved out

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (12 August 2018):

N91 agony auntFirst of all I’d take this as a lesson to never date someone that I work with. You’ve had a great demonstration of why not to and hopefully have taken it on board and understand that you’re in your workplace to carry out a job that you’re being paid to do, not find your next love interest.

Now onto your actual question. I’d be nothing but professional with him, I’d discuss Work matters only and if he ever tried to change to conversation to something else I’d leave the area and get back to work. I wouldn’t be chasing an apology because you will be very lucky to get one and even if you did what would it change? He’s an absolute slimeball that you don’t want anything to do with, what would him saying sorry change?

I wouldn’t be losing any sleep over it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI would be cold and professional. I would NOT socialize with him or chit-chat at work (unless there is a group there, but NOT on-on-one). I would ignore all his "over the top fake friendliness" and STICK to just being professional, and with that I mean I would ONLY talk to him if I HAD to and it was about work, otherwise I would totally ignore him.

You can 'demand" and apology but that doesn't mean he regrets ANYTHING. It would just be words and quite frankly.. who wants empty words from someone like him? They won't help you move on from this drama. You can do that by accepting that you made a really piss poor choice. Maybe because you were still hurting from your break up with your child's father but still YOU chose to date this asshat.

Do you need to hold a grudge? No, but I would NOT deem him worthy of your attentions ever again, I would have lost ALL respect for this man. He treated you abominably and cause drama and havoc in your life,I'd have no room for second chances for twats like that.

You know why his GF/fiance and his mother went after you? Because HE told them lies about you. He took NO responsibility for ALL the drama HE created. So no he isn't worthy of ANY pleasant social interactions at all.

He wants to pretend none of this happened... so I'd pretend HE never happened. That simple.

And then I would go about living life.

LEARN from this. Don't "shit where you eat" (don't date where you work). It's JUST not smart.

Focus on work AT work, and social life OUTSIDE of work.

Shit happens. He was that "shit". Time to move on.

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