A
female
age
36-40,
*ia2014
writes:I apologize in advance for the lengthiness of my story. I just really need to vent as a sort of closure. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.I've been seeing a guy for the past 7 months. I know him for over a year as a former coworker and friend. He is 12 years older than me, has a kid from his previous marriage, and divorced years ago so he's been single for a while. No attachments to ex wife. They talk minimally just about the child. From the beginning he said that he was ready to be in a long term relationship and that his days of screwing around were over. That he was getting too "old" for that and felt content about growing old with some one. In the beginning months it was great. We would step out, get to know each other, talk every day.. he would call every day. All our dates were romantic and thoughtful. He would spend on me and put a lot of effort in communicating and forming a bond. Eventually feelings started to grow and he even mentioned "I love you". I have yet to do so. He is out going, humourous, a man of many friends who think he's awesome, big time social butterfly.. I on the other hand am quiet and of few words and quite emotionally witholding. Since May our relationship has been a roller coaster nightmare. I found some personals he had placed online years ago by googling him.. looking for booty calls, etc. They were old and prior to me. I thought to myself.. why would a man that is so attractive and eligible ever have found himself getting on these sex websites? I made the severe mistake of telling him what I found (not in a harsh or mean way) and since then things have changed dramatically. Upon mentioning it to him he was open as if it was nothing and I was willing to leave it at that. But the next day he didn't contact me... and it continued on like for a while. He wouldn't text or call and if he would it would be to text "I love you" or "I miss you" yet when I would approach him to talk he would dodge me by not responding and if I would get feisty about the sudden lack of communication he would say he was busy with his new job, or a whole other plethora of excuses.Eventually I got used to the lack of contact and decided to let him go and not contact him either. At that point I felt numb about the whole thing. But then he contacts me asking me for forgiveness and that he was avoiding me due to the embarrassment of what I found out. That he didn't know how to process it and that he was an idiot for not handling it well.I said okay, fine, let's work at it again. So we did.. or at least said we would. I felt happy. But things aren't the same. He can go days without contacting me. If I don't contact him, he won't bother.. we can go on a full week or so that he wont even bother in saying hello. If he does its to make short talk. Nothing in depth. Then our dates are rare as well. Like once a week or not even and everything around when HE wants it or when HE can. This has brought out the worse in me. Making me insecure and naggy asking him if has some one else. I'm not like this and I realize it pushes him away further and I irritate him which I guess contributes to him not wanting to contact me as often.When we meet we basically just have sex, cuddle for hours.. but no stepping out.Yesterday we met and had sex and did our whole "thing". He complimented my body and said he was mine and still loved me but that was as deep as it got. Then after it all we were talking and he mentioned he had an appt with his hairstylist to get his hair cut. Because yesterday she missed their appointment. He was making jokes about his hairstylist being the only person that could cut his hair.. and a female friend making fun of him for it, that it had to be because he found her hot because he could pay much less at a normal barber shop for the same cut. He basically joked around the idea of liking to have his hair cut by attractive women. And how she needed to make it up to him by cutting his hair top less and he broke out in laughter. This is not the first time he is so open to me about his attractions present and past to other women. Some times I think he forgets he's talking to a woman he's "seeing" and confuses me for "one of the boys".It bothered me.. but I didn't say any thing. He mentioned going to see a movie alone receny and experiencing watching a movie alone and I wonder. Gee.. he can go see movies and have this me time but yet he doesnt even bother with me? Or to invite me?His phone was also constantly getting notifications and he would check them. And say "oh its this..." "oh I got an email", what does he think I'm stupid?I leave.. on my way out he kisses me saying he will talk to me later on in the day. And of course... I don't hear crap from him there after. Maybe he shacked up with the cute hair stylist? Who knows.So I've realized that some where amongst the lines... something must have died in him and he is just in it for the sex. I feel like I am his sexual relief right now as he looks for some one else or finds another conquest that's in his eyes less "drama" than me. I feel like at this point.. it is futile to contact him when it's obvious things are dead. Then it hurts my ego knowing that he probably won't put in two cents to keeping me and would probably not mind if I'm no longer around in his life. He would much rather be alone.Any takes on what's happening? Am I exaggerating? Should I just follow my gut and try to move on?
View related questions:
booty call, co-worker, divorce, ex-wife, insecure, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, auntieJ  +, writes (1 July 2014):
 I too was in a very similar situation with an older man.
First few weeks were all hearts,flowers,dinners out & getting to know one another. He told me he was in love with me ect.
Then I pointed out that a female friend was a bit too close & boom it pretty much all stopped!
Sure he'd come round to my house but only the twice a week when he was working near by.
We'd have sex & he'd get numerous messages ect make excuses & leave.
We broke up & I found out he'd been with the other woman all a long.
Simply I think older guys see conflict/discoveries/demands as "DRAMA",avoid it & go with someone who isn't dishing out all/any of the above!
I'd cut your losses & move on.
Don't let him use you for sex or as something to do when all else has fallen through.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): Twelve years may not seem like a lot but it is. I think in the beginning it was something fun for him and maybe he did like you a lot. However, after reading the entire story, it seems as though he changed his mind somewhere along the line. I can only assume but it seems as though he sees you as someone to have sex with rather than someone to have a relationship with. It's not anything you did that made him changed his mind. This is all on him and it doesn't seem like he knows what he wants. I think you did the right thing. Don't waste another minute on him just move on and find someone who is more compatible with you. You shouldn't have to put so much work and thinking into something that is meant to be. The moment you feel out of place in a relationship you need to move on as hard as that may be.
...............................
|
