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Did my aunt's boyfriend rape me or did I betray her trust?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 April 2009) 11 Answers - (Newest, 8 April 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Just over 2 months ago I was at a party at my aunt's house. Everyone had left before 1 o'clock in the morning but I was sleeping over. My little cousin was asleep upstairs and my auntie had been drinking so she went to her bed and left me and her booyfriend downstairs. I had known him since I was 11 and I'm now 15 so I trusted him.

We continued to drink alcohol and we even got high. I don't remember how but we started talking about sex and the female body then suddenly he grabbed my breasts. He said that he wanted to have sex with me but I ignored his comments; I blamed the alcohol. A few minutes later he tried to pull my underwear down. I knew he wouldn't leave me alone so I lay down on the kitchen floor and let him unbutton my jeans and pull down my knickers. Just as he was about to have sex with me, I realised what I was doing and tried to push him off of me. He grabbed my arms and held them above my head. I said, "I don't want this!" but his reply was, "yes you do".

I began to cry with fear, guilt and pain then I felt fluid on the inside of my legs. He knew what it was and said, "That's it. It won't hurt as much any more". I took this as my chance to get away so I wriggled myself free. He finally went to bed at 5 o'clock but I couldn't sleep.

The next morning, while my little cousin who was only 3 sat in the next room, he pulled my trousers down and tried to have anal sex with me. The pain was unbeareable and I couldn't bear the thought of my cousin witnessing this so I tiptoed; hoping that his penis would slip out of my anus, but he kept pushing me back down and forcing himself inside me. He tried this 3 more times and took me out in his car later to try it again. I knew why he was taking me out but didn't want to say no in case my auntie realised that something was wrong.

I have cried a lot since then because I feel guilty for betraying my auntie but recently I have been asking myself if it was my fault. I know that I shouldn't have lay down and let him unbutton my jeans but I remember that I said no. Was I raped?

View related questions: anal sex, breasts, cousin, underwear

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009):

Yes, that's rape.

But, the very fact that he provided you those influences, knowingly, is even more damning. He intentionally drugged and liquored you up so that he could have his way with you.

This guy should pay.

However, at your age you shouldn't be consuming alcohol or smoking weed. Both can seriously impair your judgment and sense of reality.

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A male reader, GMWolfman United Kingdom +, writes (8 April 2009):

ok, 16 legal age limit in the uk! if you didnt give permission or did, it makes no difference if ya under the age of 16 IT IS MARKED AS RAPE! even worse, because the female body isnt ready under the age of 16!!!!! NOW I WOULD REPORT HIM TO YOUR AUNT! THE POLICE ANYTHING! its wrong what he did and he needs to pay the price! see your aunt first then if you want to go further contact the police!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009):

You know what you don't need to tell your aunt. TELL YOUR TEACHER AT SCHOOL. SHE WILL TAKE THE APPROPRIATE MEASURES TO KEEP YOU SAFE AND THAT SMALL CHILD IN THAT HOME. WHY WERE YOU ALLOWED TO DRINK AND GET HIGH IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU ARE UNDERAGE PEOPLE GO TO JAIL FOR THAT IN THE U.S. You need to be strong and protect your little cousin. don't let him do what he did to you to that baby. You think how bad it hurt you and your baby cousin is so much smaller than you. think how bad it will hurt that baby. You did NOTHING WRONG. If you don't tell your teacher you will be doing wrong by letting him hurt you and your baby cousin and no telling what other child he has raped. he doesn't care about you. He only cares about himself and the power he has. TAKE A STAND YOU ARE 15 YEARS OLD TAKE THAT POWER AWAY FROM HIM. SHOW HIM WHO TO MESS WITH STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND ALL THE OTHER KIDS OUT THERE WHO HE HAS OR MAY DO THIS TO.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009):

this is definitely rape. and very worrying. you really do need to tell someone, if not for your own sake, for your aunties child..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009):

he raped you. not only onc but all the times that he had sex with you. You need to tell someone, if you are uncomfortable telling your aunt, then tell a teacher, another adult that you trust, the police. Someone, as long as you tell. This man will continue to RAPE AND DEFILE YOU, as long as you keep quite. You need to put an end to this now.

just some other uncomfortable questions and i DON'T MEAN TO LECTURE YOU:

- you are 15 and freely consuming alcohol, and when you consume alcohol you over indulge, right.

You need to stop this over consumption Now. You are too young to be getting slouched.

- why are u always at your aunts home. where are your parents?

are you living with your aunt? If so, can you try to go to a place of safety. Maybe speak to a church elder as well.

- why can't you say NO, when he tried having anal sex with you (and in front of his 3 yr old child)and when he took you for a drive.

Iknow it is easier said than done, but please if you can stay away from this man, and not be alone with him, then make every effort. Even id he tries something in front of the child, you need to do something to protect yourself against him.

- pregnancy issues and other STD's

Have you thought of this? Please, please talk to an adult. Go for a check up.I beg you to.

know that you are going through hell at the moment. If you keep quiet he will continue to rape you. Please confide in someone.

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A female reader, melissaconnor1993 United Kingdom +, writes (6 April 2009):

i know exactly what you are going through. you might find this hard to believe but not only was i born in the same year as you but i was also raped by my uncle. it happened when i was 13 and at first i blamed myself. after almost a year i finally told my mum what had happened. im glad you have asked this question earlier than i did and i hope you get the support you need. tell someone you trust whether it be a friend, a sibling, a parent, even a teacher. you ust do something. good luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009):

Definitely rape. Go straight to the police, and ask to speak privately to a policewoman, then tell her everything.

They will know how to help and guide you. You will also want to talk to your parents about it, as they will be there to show support and help.

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A male reader, ArmyMedic United Kingdom +, writes (5 April 2009):

ArmyMedic agony auntOK this does sound like Rape to me. You said NO and he did it anyway, you were drunk, stoned and underage this is very much rape, even if you said yes it would still be rape.

You need to tell your Aunt, and the police, I'm sure you don't want this man to date your Aunt anymore, how do you know he hasn't rapped her too and she is too scared to tell anyone, what if he rapes your young cousins.

This man is a paedophile and rapist and must be stopped before he does it again!

You must get a pregnancy and STI test as you have no idea who else he has rapped.

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A male reader, answeringmachine United States +, writes (5 April 2009):

You were most definitely raped! There was absolutely no excuse for what he did, in any situation, no matter what you did. It was his fault, not yours, and you didn't betray anyone. Please try to find someone you can talk to, an adult about what happened. He should not be allowed to do that again to anyone. Please don't blame yourself.

I know it's easy to blame yourself, but it was NOT your fault. If you need to talk, you can message any of us on here. Please seek help from your parents or the authorities right away, it's very important so this doesn't happen again ever.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009):

his --- should be in jail. where is your mother. it don't matter whether or not you layed down. HE RAPED YOU. WHETHER OR NOT YOU SAID NO DON'T MEAN ANYTHING HE RAPED YOU AND YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR AUNTIE.

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A female reader, 1xxlaydeexxtitchxx1 United Kingdom +, writes (5 April 2009):

yes u was u said no and he carried on i think that u should tell someone like ur aunt she will understand good look an you are alot braver then me because i wud have been scared stiff x

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