A
male
age
36-40,
*ottenhamhotspur
writes:Hey Everyone. Sorry that this is so long, but it’s been bothering me and I have to get it off my chest, and see what people’s opinions are so hopefully I can put my mind to rest. Here is my story as I best remember it and as truthfully as possible. About four years ago, I got drunk at a bar with a friend of mine. Sometime while he was up and away or after he left, I was sitting on a patio with a woman about my age (21) and I wanted to make a move on her, so I kissed her ( it must have lasted for a few seconds, and I tried sort of using the tongue, but I am still rather timid and pulled away after a bit so it’s not like I really have her a chance to respond to it) She did NOT kiss me. She didn’t say anything or ask me to stop, she seemed fine with it, maybe a bit surprised at most. not long after, I put my hand down inside of her pant and touched her bottom , though as we were both sitting down so I don’t think I got down too far ( not that I was trying to, I’m not sure what I was thinking other than I was an idiot.)She never asked me to stop or seemed disrupted ( after all, if someone just leans over, kisses you full on with tongue and all, you’d say something right?, and then I’m sure if she had a problem with my touching she’d of said something.) anyways, when my friend came back and went to leave, some of her friends ( she was with others- she was not alone) said I should leave with him ( because he was asking me to walk home with him) but I wanted to stick around to talk with this woman. At the time I thought that they wanted me to leave with him just to be nice to the poor lad ( after all, I abandoned the poor guy for a 20 minute walk home - and yes, I have apologized profusely for my behaviour to him as well that night.) Later on in the night, I was walking, about to leave when a girl starting talking to me and said something along the lines of ‘hey, weren’t you the one who tried to stick your tongue down my friend’s throat?’ I was offended by her way of saying the question,and likely embarrassed by my behaviour, and said no, to which she shook her head vertically , saying ‘yes, you did! Yes you did!”but I don’t recall her being particularly rude about it. She may have also said ‘I think you better leave” though this might have just been me demonizing myself later, as I have no solid recollection of that happening, and I would assume that I would. (read below)So here is my story NOW-More than two years ago, I again remembered this event and it started really bothering me. Did this woman feel violated by my actions? Did I sexually assault someone? I became very harsh on myself and forgot to remember that it was a stupid thing I had done- but I didn’t force her to, and I would have stopped had she asked me to. I have been obsessive about the event and I am now taking meds for my depression. Though the meds have helped and my quality of life is returning, the questions still bother me - Is this woman alright? What if she had never kissed someone before and I violated that for her? Will I ever accept myself and be able to forgive myself and move on? I would never do something to hurt or violate another person, and I feel like I’ll never be able to fully forgive myself.At the height of my depression I did not want to live and considered myself the worst, most vile scum on the planet, but I am starting to come around to realize I made an honest mistake and didn’t mean any harm by my actions. Please weigh in with your thoughts and answers to any of my questions.
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male
reader, tottenhamhotspur +, writes (20 July 2010):
tottenhamhotspur is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks again for all the great input. It's been like 3 years of constant thinking of low- self esteem, so things will take time. Sometimes when I notice I've stoped thinking about it - even for a few minutes, I just feel empty and confused. It's almost as if I have become so used to it it has become my new 'normal'.With time and counselling, I hope that things will get better. I don't want to forget this or try to sweep it under the rug- I just want to forgive myself and live most of my day without thinking of it so I can move forward and do good things in my life for myself and others.
A
female
reader, Destiny123  +, writes (18 July 2010):
yanno i bet her friend was ugly, jelouse, and a sleezz.
chill out.
thats the risk us girls take if we go to a bar.
gosh id be kinda happy im pretty enough for a random guy to kiss me.
notta rapist. notta anything.
yourgoodtogo.
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A
female
reader, karen1989  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 No not at all, you were being a bit cheeky and maybe a bit disrespectful but you were drunk! Everyone does stupid things when there drunk. You kissed her,and touched her bum thats not sexually assaulting somebody. 4 years ago is a long time, forget about it I bet shes not still thinking about it,she probably doesnt even remember. Don't worry you havent commited a crime,You were just being a bit of a drunk prat-no harm done though. Smile :) its all good. Just try and be more aware of your behavior when drinking from now on.
Good luck :).
Karen.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 July 2010):
 No I don't think I would call it sexual assault either. She may not have wanted a kiss and a hand on her ass, but unless she was passed out drunk, she could have told you to buzz off, slap your or just a simple no, frig off.
Stop beating yourself up.
The fact that you recognize that your behavior was inappropriate, may help you move past this now. If you have a hard time controlling yourself when drunk, stop drinking.
Want to bet she's forgotten all about it? Or that she may even laugh at that dude who just tongued me out of the blue...
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Wow. After reading that can I just say you are most definitely, without a question in my heart, feeling much much worse about this than she is. You really need to stop beating yourself up. It's great that you want so badly to make amends and not disrespect women, but what you did really wasn't a huge deal. I've had things like that happen to me at parties and you just kind of go, "eeew gross" and move on. If you had touched her in a more invasive sexual way this would be different. But as women we get our asses touched "accidentally" and on purpose quite often. Many women in high school get talked into full on having sex (for popularity) even when they really don't want to and even then, we move on. Reading this I wasn't thinking what a dirty pervert, I was thinking what a sweet person who cares that much about a drunken butt squeeze. Because of your OCD I'd recommend talking to a professional who can better guide you through this.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (18 July 2010):
 It's good that you've recognised this. You have reacted very strongly, a lot more than you needed to as most people would have just forgotten about it, and it is probably because of your depression and OCD. If this has affected you so badly, I'm sure that lots of other small things bother you a lot more than they should. Get some professional help so that you can relax a bit more into your life and not be stressed =]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): When I read the title I thought it was going to be really bad! Yes you shouldn't have put your hand down her pants but did you stop? yes you did. Did she tell you to stop? no she didn't. Think of it as a lesson but you don't need beat yourself over it.
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A
male
reader, tottenhamhotspur +, writes (18 July 2010):
tottenhamhotspur is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your amazing input.
I'll be the first one to admit that what I did definatly was not the smartest and it was not appropriate.
To try to make ammends, I made a facebook psedonym and posted a short message on the two difference facebok groups for the now-closed bar, saying basically "I made an akward move on a woman on the patio in the fall of '06, and I would like to appologize to you for doing so. I did not mean any offence, and would like to appologize sincerely for it and ask for your forgiveness."
I hope and pray that one day her or a friend of hers might see it and get the message.
I did what I did not in any attempt to harm or victimize, but becuase I was inexperienced at such things, but felt like I needed to 'get out' and try to try the whole hook up/make out with new people etc thing.
For a LONG time, and still, I am very much intimidated by imatiacy and sex, and I felt part of that was just the fact that I never tried anything or tried to find a partner.
I though she might be up for it, as foolish or rash as that may have been and did'nt go about it the right way. I admit that fully.
I also think that OCD and depression are the main two causes of the fact that I can't move on from this. To be honest, I have posted the same question on yahoo answers over 600 times. I often could not get negative thoughts out of my head. I think this is simple a trigger to another problem.
I also think that I need to tell myself that if the popular opinion of what is 'wrong' matters so much to me in my villifying of myself, I also have to listen to the majority of people who say 'yes, what you did was not smart and inapproriate, but your intentions, though not particularly 'good', also were not to harm, hurt, intimidate, offend or assault anyone. I knew and know better that making moves on newly met people not only is unwise, but also that it isn't something I would enjoy or thank myself for the next day. I need a commited, loving relationship, not something that lasts half an hour at a bar or something.
We all make mistakes, and I think I need to really, really accept the fact that I'm human and messed up. Just because the mistake had a sexual componenet doesn't make me a rapist or horrible person. I know full well that had she asked me to stop or had I known she didn't want me to do it, I would have stopped, and its something I would never do again.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (18 July 2010):
You are really thinking waaay too deeply into this. It sounds like a normal event to happen at a house party or something. You were probably drunk and the girl was probably drunk too and, even though it wasn't the most polite or respectful thing to do, it was far from physical assualt. Firstly, kissing and touching someone's backside is about 3 on the 1-10 sexual scale. Secondly, she didn't resist or say no, so you had no reason to think she wanted you to stop. Her friends were probably scared you were just trying to get into her pants and that's why they were so protective over her. It's no big deal man, just be a bit more discrete from now =]
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A
male
reader, Roshii +, writes (18 July 2010):
 There is something to remember when drinking, And youll know it well already im just clarifying it.
What people do when there drunk is sometimes different to what they tell there friends.
What i think happened is this, Perhaps what you intended to do was missinterperated by here, You said you went to kiss her but being timid it lasted a few seconds right? what if she took it as an attempt to kiss her? she told her friend about it. because girls talk. Something ive grown to love and hate tbh but thats my opinion.
As for sexually assaulting someone, You kissed her, hardly even a proper kiss. She mightnt have been that into you but to polite to say anything. Which makes it her fault for not saying anything not yours. You shouldnt be beating your self up about this.
Everyones been there, with the person that refers to them selfs as the "nice one" and there the ones that do the most damage with there lack of honesty being the reason.
For what ever reason you decided you wanted to touch her bum, personally not a sexual act to me, And if she was offended by it im certain youd know. (shed have slapped you or something)
perhaps she was more weirded out by the randomness of the acts?
Your not vile, your not a preditor, you were a 21 year old male fueled on alchahol noobishly persuing a girl you liked. Weve all been there.
Life is about mistakes. And you have to make them in order to learn about yourself and better yourself through the lessons learnt.
Never regret anything in the past, When somethings happened its happened, Theres nothing you can do about it. Be sinseer about it (sorry about my spelling its to early) sure. but regretting something focuses your mind on the past, And you need it facing ahead into the future.
Were in an age now where onenight stands are common for both sex's its no longer just the men waking in shame at what they've slept with, No longer just the men trying to get beyond double digits when it comes to the number of people they've slept with.
50 years ago, sure shed have been offended, but nowadays . (and i really dont mean this horrible) you were probably just another guy that wanted her.
Forgive yourself man,
and if you want to chat feel free to inbox me.
Roshii
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): It appears she was somewhat shy/quiet and vulnerable in appearance, making her an easy target for your conscience to direct you towards. Although her friends were around, she may still have been too shocked and afraid to tell you off, and was probably under the influence herself, which together caused her to not react. Alot of girls will do and say nothing defensive when being harassed or assaulted out of fear of provoking the attacker to a more aggressive height. Others will go along with it because they possibly liked the kiss or the touch, and felt the opposite of violated. Going by the fact that her friend confronted you later on, either she was a little offended or her friend, at least, was.
I've seen people and friends do such crazy things when they're drunk that nothing surprises me, and I've seen not only guys try that on girls, but girls do that to guys, catching them off guard, as well. This sort of thing doesn't happen all the time, but alot, in clubs and house parties, so don't feel like it was too big of a deal. After all, you seem to realize how wrong it was at the time, so just forget about it, as she might have been looking for some strange that night, anyway. It wasn't right, but it's nothing to feel ashamed of or scarred from.
You might have the same thing happen to you, one day, when some random drunk girl jumps you out of nowhere, after too many drinks. That's just one of the common things that happens when clubs are filled with drunk people night after night. It's something unfortunate that people should just expect might happen to them, just like a guy should always expect at least one other drunk guy to try to start a fight with him or his friends, with every trip to a bar.
As much as I try to refrain from trouble and fighting, everytime I go to certain clubs, at least one jealous guy will see how much fun everyone is having around me, and try to pick a fight with me. For that very reason, I try to stay away from that atmosphere. Yes, I can fight well, but the UFC mentality is for 12 year olds, and I have better things to do than waste time fighting someone who's already fighting the effects of alcohol. That's probably what that girl was feeling about you, so don't worry, she most likely felt you were so drunk that she didn't feel too concerned the next day, about your actions. Most people tend to leave the actions of a drunk in the past, unless it was so traumatic, or a violent episode of sorts.
You've done a great thing by confessing here and getting it off your chest, so now let it go and don't feel you're different than the next sober or drunk person.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 July 2010):
I guess it really depends how drunk she was. If she was very drunk, then yes. If not, then it's pretty gray. Either way it sounds like you kind of forced yourself on her. She didn't seem to want to be touched, but you put your hand on her butt. Just because she didn't tell you to stop doesn't mean she wanted you to do it. However, she probably didn't put much thought into it. In this day and age, these things just happen at parties. At concerts men "accidentally" stick their hands down women's shirts and pants and it's no longer a big deal. Just don't do it again and you'll be fine. You certainly didn't scar her even if she didn't want to. Legally, maybe you committed "assault" of some kind. But in reality as women we get touched pretty often in ways we don't want when we go to parties and such. It used to be totally OK to pinch and slap women's behinds and some old fashioned men still do it. We just kind of deal. Don't beat yourself up. It's really not a huge deal. As long as you didn't touch her breasts or vagina and she didn't say something about stopping, it's fine.
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A
female
reader, johannabanana +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Dear Guy,
I applaud you sir. Stop beating yourself up. I am a 16 year old girl and I was sexually assaulted at 9 years old. It was by my foster brother at the time... He would touch me in inappropriate ways, and he knew what he was doing was wrong. what he was doing was not an accident... If there is anything I know it is that if you made this girl feel uncomfortable in any way she would have said nothing and stayed silent.... When something uncomfortable occurs people say nothing out of fear. If her friend confronted you most likely she felt violated. But don't beat yourself up... As someone who has been a victim of this I want to say thank you for your grief and compassion. Your conscience has given you all the punishment you deserve. This act of yours was not done out of evil intention. It is time to forgive yourself and move on. I forgave the sick person that hurt me. You are not sick which I can tell from your mental pain. It's time to let it go and be happy you deserve that and I wish you well friend. You don't deserve to die. The world needs more people that care about others pain as much as you do.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 I think that you are hugely over reacting. You were a stupid drunk and that evening probably wasn't a highlight in your life or hers but I'd bet that she was over it in a day or so. She was 18+, she was in a bar, she didn't leave after you tried to kiss her, she didn't shout and scream or make a scene. She was fine. She thought you were an idiot but she's not traumatised.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 July 2010):
 No you didn't sexually assault her. She was an adult, was willing, didn't ask you to stop or push you away. It doesn't matter what her friend said, in fact it's nothing to do with her friend...the event was between you and the girl you kissed, in a court of law a friends opinion would count for zip if the woman herself did not object or react to the sexual contact.
Stop beating yourself up over nothing, be happy and get on with your life.
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