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Did I make a mistake in getting with him again?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 June 2014) 3 Answers - (Newest, 30 June 2014)
A female Canada age 30-35, *inkbunni3xz writes:

I feel I made a mistake in getting back together

Hi guys,

It's early morning and I really need a place to vent. I've recently got back together with my ex. It's been a week since we've been together. I broke up with him last time because I felt I deserved a little more than what he was offering me. During the happiest stages in our relationship we spent a lot of time together. I really enjoy being intimate with someone and I felt he wanted to see me just as much as I wanted to see him. We would hang out for weeks together and always enjoyed each other's company. Towards the end, he went out with his friends 4-5 times a week and left me very time. That was a really hard transition for me. During the days we were apart we wouldn't contact each other at all. I felt it was the same as being single if my boyfriend hasn't contacted me at all in three days.

I would be more open in giving him space if we was a little more clear in just saying "Hey i'm going out with ___ and i'll see you ____". I feel that would just be basic respect of my schedule as well. I would still feel I'm on his mind even if he texted me a good morning or just a random check up in the day.

We were apart for 6 weeks. He contacted me stating he had missed me and wanted to talk things out. I met up with him thinking that he wanted to get back together because he realized he made a mistake. At the end of that night, he stated he still wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me. He just missed me is all. I made it clear I didn't want to be friends and give him back his house keys so he didn't have to contact me again. I was in tears when I went home thinking how stupid I would of thought he wanted to commit this time around. He contacted me nonstop after I left saying that he knew he wanted to be with me now after I gave him back his key.

Since we've been back together for one week. There hasn't been a day where I thought I was really happy being back with him. I still find him the same. Maybe I'm expecting too much but I thought this would be a honeymoon period where he would be trying hard to win his love back. I'm still the one initiating the hang outs. I find him doing almost nothing to win me over, to be a little romantic, or just even saying that he's happy to be with me again. My trust for him has been completely lost after that night. I know independence is something I'm constantly trying to work on, but I need a man whose nurturing and patient with me too. My biggest struggle is finding that balance to maintain myself in a relationship. Because I was fine without him.

It's been a week and he already stated we saw each other too much and he wants to cut it down. I was so hurt because we just got together again. There was never that "can't wait to see you again" passion.

Thank guys for reading.

View related questions: broke up, get back together, got back together, my ex, period, text

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 June 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Uncle Wise.

You gave him an extra shot and it isn't working out for you. IF he knows WHY you ended it before (lack of time together) and he hasn't put forth ANY effort to be with you more then really is he interested in getting back with you? Or does he just not want to be alone?

I'd end it, block him from calling, remove him of social websites and basically go NO CONTACT.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (29 June 2014):

janniepeg agony auntWanting to maintain contact every day isn't asking much. When it gets to the stage where people give keys to the other, there should at least be a talk about long term, otherwise it's a waste of time. He isn't missing the commitment, he's missing someone pining for him and always ready in case he gets free time. Don't be hard on yourself. Instead of saying this is a mistake, think of it as, you have him a chance and he blew it. Set higher standards for men. You should not think hanging out with friends and leaving you alone is what all men do and you just have to work around it. I think he's just not the type to settle down. People who want freedom also want sex when they want it. They just can't have both and not care about the other's feelings. It's important when you date that you have the correct intentions right from the beginning. Only men who are ready to settle down will settle down. They don't just because the relationship passed a certain stage and it's the right thing to commit.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 June 2014):

Well, you tried. Now you know that breaking-up was the right decision. Reset your mind to prepare for moving on and letting go.

People don't change over-night. When your gut-feeling tells you a person isn't that into you, you have to listen to it. It did concern me when you said you needed "nurturing."

That is somewhat needy. Certainly you want a guy to reciprocate your feelings for him. Avoid too much emotional dependency; because that is interpreted as clingy behavior. Just a side-thought.

I recommend that you stay single for awhile. Go completely no contact to give yourself room to think, and space to breathe. You also have to grieve and go through your withdrawal process. The brain goes through the same chemical-process detaching from a relationship, as it does when a person withdraws from an addictive narcotic substance. Exact same area of the brain, and exact same chemicals. You'll crave oxytocin and serotonin. The two feel-good endorphins or chemicals, that give the euphoric high when you're in-love; and forms the emotional-attachment between you. That supply is now cutoff. That's what made him miss you so much. He got his fix, then decided he had his fill with you otherwise.

You gave it a second-chance. Now cutoff all access and any further communication to allow yourself to move on and heal. He just wants to be able to come-over for sex when he wants it. Otherwise; you're seeing too much of each other. Don't fall for that.

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