A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been occasionally seeing a friend of a friend. We’ve gone on a few dates, but then I said I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I didn’t want to scare him off/wasn’t sure what I wanted. He’s been into me and contacting me for about 6 months now. We have been intimate, but he has never booty called me or been disrespectful. We’ve hung out multiple times without anything sexual and I enjoy his company. He’s been very respectful and a gentleman, although I do really enjoy sleeping with him. However, I was raised in a very conservative home. I feel like a slut for enjoying sex with him and wanting to have it. I’m very attracted to him and enjoy being with him. He asked if I wanted to go on a hiking trip this weekend (our mutual friends and some other couples I know are going). I know we’ll share a room. I’m excited to go and want to. But I can’t help but hear my mother in the background telling me nice girl don’t do that, don’t devalue yourself, etc. My parents have been incredible and supportive through everything, but intimacy is not something I can talk openly about with them. I’m nearly 27 and can do what I want! But part of me is worried that they are right, and I should just be waiting without sex for Mr. right. How do I get over the guilt and just do what I want?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2019): Miss OP,Your initial post made me think that perhaps you are not clear about your own feelings. On the one hand you do not refer to him as your boyfriend (or even friend) and told him you are not looking for a relationship; but on the other hand you are very attracted to him and you are most definitely in a relationship with him. Your second post reveals much more about your feelings for him. It’s impossible to judge from these brief posts, but if you feel that you have a problem getting in touch with your feelings or communicating your feelings, then that could be something for you to work on.Let’s go back to “relationships” and your headline question “…enjoying my casual relationship”. There’s a whole lot of people out there (besides your parents) who think there is no such thing as casual sex. If you don’t believe me, just search on “no such thing as casual sex”. Do it, read about it and decide for yourself where you stand. It doesn’t mean you’d have to stop having sex, but if you do you will understand the ramifications of what you are doing.Next learn about the phases that healthy relationships go through, such as these I got from a book years ago: (1) Acquaintanceship: the initial process of getting to know someone. You value the other person for being alive, not for what they can do for you, not because they are sexy, not because they drive a hot car. You accept them as they are without looking for things you would change. (2) Companionship: you find out the things you like to do together, what shared activities give you real pleasure. (3) Friendship: you begin to share who you are. If you don’t know who you are, this step can be tough. Be open and honest. (4) Intimate Friendship: you begin sharing some of the deeper parts of yourself. You share your fears, your anger, your needs. (5) Sensual Friendship: Now you explore the art of touch (not in a sexual way). You hold hands, hug, stroke the other person’s hair. (6) Sexual and spiritual lovers: this is the stage where many of us want to get to right away, but you should have some measure of love and commitment before you move to this level. (7) Life partners: you know each other well, you have a friendship and you can now decide if you want to be life partners.After you’ve done your home work, I think you need to sit down and answer two questions: what do I really feel about him and where are we on the continuum of a relationship? You have to answer the questions yourself and then decide what your correct course of action is. From afar it appears that you very much have feelings for him and your past experience is instinctively making you to go very slow in building your relationship with him. He appears to be respecting your desire to go slow. If you decide that you want to continue to build a relationship with him I would suggest that you go back to that original conversation with him where you said you were not looking for a relationship (it’s possible that is holding him back from seeing you more often). Explain why you said that and openly discuss that you are in a relationship and what both of you would like to do next. You don’t have to do all this overnight, but I think it would make a real difference. Good luck on your hiking trip.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (30 January 2019):
 Back when your mother was young, "nice" girls didn't do that sort of thing! Times have changed (fortunately). Also, you are now an adult and, while you should always respect what your parents think and believe, you are old enough to decide for yourself how you live. Obviously you would not flaunt your sex life in your mother's face, out of respect for her beliefs, but neither do you have to feel any guilt or shame because you choose to live differently. If you are not hurting anyone, then live as you choose.
If you really like this guy, then perhaps you need to take a risk and see where have a relationship with him leads. If you only want him for sex, then you are not really being fair on him if he has deeper feelings for you. You should not, however, feel pressured into having a relationship just because he or your mother feels it should happen.
Good luck. I am sure you will make the right decision. You sound like you have got your head screwed on right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2019): OP here- thank you both for the wonderful advice. I think we both actually like each other, and my own fear of getting hurt (from several times of being badly heartbroken in my past) is keeping me from letting it be more.
He isn’t my typical type, is much more relaxed about everything than my type A self, yet I can be completely myself around him. I’m not sure what to make of it, but I believe now his actions show he actually likes me as more than just physical. Maybe it’s time I let myself fee that way back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2019): Trust yourself, my dear. You have a sense of values instilled in you from your upbringing. You have self-awareness and self-respect; but don't fault your mother for doing her job. Appreciate her for teaching you how to maintain your self-esteem; and knowing your self-worth.
Having a conscience is the point isn't it? We are higher than lower animals; because we use cognizance, intellect, and judgement. Not just instinct.
Too many people nowadays are commitment-phobic, self-centered, promiscuous, and scared of intimacy.
They fear things going wrong; while demanding guarantees and perfection. Too immature, cowardly, and insecure to deal with inevitable heartbreak or rejection. Distrusting and untrustworthy. Hellbent on trying to avoid all the things every adult will have to encounter/endure in life. Necessary for growth and survival.
From your description, that guy likes you; and you're denying yourself an opportunity to try something real.
Mimicking the worse behavior we males are more guilty of. Detached-sex! The inability to connect our emotions; while using people purely for sexual-gratification. It's wrong in men, and just as bad in women. Objectifying and manipulating people with (or for) sex is a bad thing. That's what your conscience is telling you. Listen to it! It's not your mother, it's your own self-respect screaming at you!
You don't have to discuss intimacy with your parents. You're an adult. You go out and you develop your own experience and gain your own wisdom through trial and error. Take a few risks. You test your potential and survival-skills. Failure happens sometimes; but we learn, gain strength, and grow from it. It's defeat only if you never learn anything; by consistently repeating the same mistakes. In spite of common-sense trying to guide you down another path.
Your guilt is just your self-respect telling you stop denying your heart; and casually giving away your precious body. It's not the question of right or wrong. It's about how it will affect your personality; and your ability to seek and maintain healthy relationships. It does matter how people judge you; because that's how they evaluate you and determine you to be a suitable mate. You also measure your own self-worth and intelligence according to your actions and the consequences of your actions.
Don't desensitize yourself to intimacy in avoidance of risk and possible disappointments. You're too young to be cynical; and stop blaming your parents for teaching you better than being loose and cheap. You don't have to commit until you're ready; but you should also be open-minded, and in control of your fears and skepticism. You should know how to regulate your impulses. You must demand respect, and only the best of treatment from men.
Do what you want, but don't be impetuous or reckless!
A person without guilt or a conscience is dangerous!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 January 2019):
 Why is he good enough to hang out with, have dated with and sex with by not "good enough" to actually date?
That would be my question.
I've never been a fan of casual sex. I get that some people just don't want to INVEST too much in someone else (if they are too busy with other things such as career, travel, studies etc.) yet still want intimacy with someone. I get that... But for me, it seems to half-ass. More often than not, people have these FWB/Casual things in hopes they can have intimacy and not get hurt.. but RARELY does a FWB end on a "nice friendly note" SOMEONE always gets hurt. Because ONE or the other catches feelings.
Waiting for Mr. Right is a waste of time. Mr. Right might not come find YOU, you might have to find him.
But USING someone as a "Mr. Right Now"... might not be the "right" thing for everyone. If it works for you, then really, what's the big deal?
You say it's your mother you hear in your head, but is it really? Or is it how YOU really think yourself? That SEX and INTIMACY should have some "deeper" meaning?
And if you KNOW that this guy is NOT Mr. Right... what IF while you are busy with a casual unimportant FWB that you miss out on meeting "Mr. Right/ Mr. Good fit for you long term??
Even if you aren't "serious" about this guy, you are still more invested than you think.
You ARE 27 and you CAN do what you want. So, IS a casual FWB what you want?
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