A
male
age
30-35,
*umous
writes:Hi,My ex gf broke up with me almost 5 months ago. She was my first serious gf and we dated for almost 2 years. I loved this girl with all my heart and I learned so much from my relationship with her. I was as happy as I could be and treated her very well. When she broke up with me, I did not see it coming. It was a total shock; my grades in school started to drop and my whole social life was a disaster. I became depressed wishing everyday and crying to be with her. We started to speak after 2 months and she started leading me on saying she was going to dump her new bf and that it was nothing (she started dating a new guy a week later). Then once again, out of nowhere she told me she never wanted to speak to me again forever. Now I'm super puzzled by this but I attribute it to her being a truly mean/selfish/bad person. My problem is that I am still depressed (not as much initially) but I find myself missing having a woman in my life. I go out with friend and all but I miss the intimacy and connection you have from being in a relationship. I still think back to my relationship with this girl and it causes me pain (I even had a counselor for a while). Ive tried to date 3 other women and I got rejected each time. At this point I feel constantly bad about myself; I dont think there's anything wrong with me (Im not the most attractive person, but Im definitely not ugly). So to wrap things up: Am I just overreacting and this is normal? I dont think I can completely get over my ex until I enter a good relationship. I feel as though without a woman, my life is lacking.
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male
reader, Lumous +, writes (21 March 2010):
Lumous is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses,
You both are right in saying its not fair to the other person if I were to enter a new relationship. Fine. I understand... thing is I'm not happy despite staying close to friends all the time. Ill go out, have a great night out with buddies and when I get home, no matter how happy I was 1-2 hours ago, I feel depressed again. Ive done new things, started new activities, but I cant seem to "heal" completely.
I dnt have any1 I can feel close enough to confide in. Yes my friends are aware of me being somewhat depressed by what happened. The problem is I just cant talk to a guy like I can a girl. Its not as personal in a way. With a girl I can talk on a much deeper level. That would be why I want a woman in my life. I have one close girl friend who I do confide in but she has her own life and I dont want to be bothersome calling her about my problems.
On a side note I have the unfortunate opportunity of seeing her @ school from time to time in the halls. Aside from that I have all photos and reminders of her tucked away so I wont see them.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (20 March 2010):
 Im sorry for your trouble. I think the key is that you need more time on your own to deal with the breakup. It's hit you hard and to make matters worse she has toyed with you and hurt you even after the breakup.
Two years is a hefty length of time to invest in someone and you will slowly come to terms with the loss.
I know it sounds crappy but being in another relationship won't heal you from this pain. Indirectly your going to expect the new woman to make you feel better when seriously it's not a 'new persons' responsibility to deal with. You also run the risk of unconsciously comparing each new woman you meet with your ex (because in your heart you still love her).
Women are extremely perceptive and they will pick up instantly that your still in love with your ex. This will make any new woman you meet feel devalued. After all how would you feel if you met someone and they were constantly comparing you with their ex and you knew they were still in love with someone else?...Not good huh?
Telling yourself that your life will only be complete if you have a woman in it, is extremely negative and self deprecating. You absolutely have to heal completely before you can move on and give yourself entirely to someone else.
Stay well connected with friends, old and new, stay close to family and confide in someone you trust. Try new things and take each day as it comes. Everyone faces a breakup eventually and it's like recovering from an illness. You have to be kind to yourself and keep away from the very thing that made you sick...if you don't you will keep spiralling into the hole and become very depressed.
The process of recovery is hard and you may not be able to face it at first and everything in your body will keep dragging you back to past events, but make small starts and soon you will have momentum and become stronger. Like a marathon runner...your emotional strength will match your physical self and you will become 'whole' and well again.
Only then will you be ready and able to give yourself entirely to someone else and only then can a new love begin.
Aunty Em xxx
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A
female
reader, Entirely Unique +, writes (20 March 2010):
 I think sometimes when a relationship ends out of the blue with no real indications to being problems or issues you do struggle to understand why and without that it's harder to get over that relationship.
This is your first love and you was together a long time so it's not going to be easy to just forget and move on especially as you didn't see a problem with the relationship and you was very happy in it.
Personally I believe you shouldn't enter a new relationship until you've healed and got over a previous one as you can't really fully give to the new relationship and it can be unfair on that someone new.
You need to be happy in yourself and in your life and not depend on someone else to do that for you.
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