A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Our daughter has recently turned 18 and left school about 18 months ago,since she left school she hasn't worked or done any schooling.She refuses to get a job and comes up with every excuse in the book why she cant get a job or even look for one.Then about 6 weeks ago her b/friend moved in and at the time he had a job, but about 2 weeks after he moved in lost his job and hasn't had one since.My car needed some mechanical repairs done, and as he's a qualified mechanic offered to do the repairs in lieu of paying board until we moved into our new house which was supposed to be the first week in January but being Christmas time the owner of the house has had problems getting tradesmen so it will be at least the end of January if not the middle of February until we move.So now the pair of them are home all day, running up the bills, eating everything in sight and rarely even do any housework. I'm at my wits end and I'm starting to resent the pair of them, I've tried talking to them and all I get is abuse from my daughter, and that they cant afford to pay anything, although they can afford plenty of alcohol, and that he did repair my car, even though I payed for all the parts.So what can I do, how can I get it through to them we can't afford it?
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female
reader, ashaseth01  +, writes (22 January 2010):
Hi
Read your reply. Well, in my country too, we equip our kids to be independent. But Parents support the kids all the way. And in return, the kids support the parents in old age. Not just support them, but give them the respect and honour they deserve for the immense sacrifices they made all their life for the kids.
But supporting the boyfriend is unheard of, doesnt he have his own parents to take care of him??
Anyways, Whatever the culture in the country and whatever the rules, kids cant mistreat their parents!!! They must be taught to respect the person who gave them life and brought them up to be decent human beings. Its unacceptable to mistreat ur parents and as a parent you have every right to check their misbehaviour. May be crime against children in your country is very high which has resulted in such a law, but that is no reason for you to give up on disciplining your daughter. Set some rules urself and if she cant follow them tell her to fend for herself and that you are done with her.
Hope you find the right solution to your problem.
I personally cannot understand your plight. I lived with my parents till I got married. I worked as well. But who paid for what was never an issue. Its actually considered an insult to the parent if you offer to pay for day to day expenses. You give your parents gifts but you never offer to pay rent. My dad would be furious if i suggested such a thing. Even when I moved to another city due to my work, my father came to check the place I was put up in. Just to check I was safe even though he knew I was perfectly capable of taking care of my self.
On the other hand, I cannot even dream of abusing my parents. They are the best set of parents anyone can have. My dad is rich by all standards in my country. So he wouldnt need any financial help from me anytime but in their old age my parents will stay with me. I insist. To get an opportunity to take care of your parents just like they took care of you when you were a kid is nothing short of heaven.
I guess it will take the world to forever to understand that some relationships are sacred. They arent to be treated with disregard because it is convenient to do so.
Best of luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): Hey they can help themselves get a job. The boyfriend is not your responsibility so ask him to leave then inform your daughter she needs to get a job/proper course, help around the house, observe the rules and if she is working she needs to learn responsibility re money so she can make a contribution to the household weekly/monthly to cover the hot water, gas, electricity she uses. This will help her in the long run and if she works hard and saves up for a holiday and goes off and does some travel that would do her the world of good. I would ask the boyfriend to leave asap and if he spends even another day under your roof, I would ask him for a contribution. They are treating you like a doormat and clearly have no respect fo you at all. So now you have to respect yourself and decide what you want and what you don't want and act accordingly. All of the people who answered your question made good points one way or another. Also if your daughter respects you and has to pull her weight she might attract a better sort of man!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I read that a long time ago, it's also state regulated and in my state it's illegal.And even if it was legal I believe hitting your children is no better than my husband hitting me or vice versa, and before anyone says that is the problem then why have my other children turned out ok?
Again thank you everyone for the help and advice especially female anon who went through my situation, I've set down some rules and spoken to both my daughter and her b/f and she's since enrolled in a centre to help her look for work and has a job interview next week, she's also enquired about a course, the b/f has said he will pay board, help around the house and he also enrolled at the centre to find work.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (11 January 2010):
Ummm...endcorporalpunishment.org
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPinktopaz, Im not sure what you were looking at, but it is illegal to hit, smack, punch or verbally or mentally abuse your children in any way shape or form.Ans it's been illegal for schools tp punish children physically for nearly 20 years now here.
Yes I know I have allowed it, I am taking full responsibility for that, and now I need help to fix what Ive created.What I was asking is how can I get them to either get a job, go back to study and help around the house.
I have taken in all the idea's from everyone and really appreciate the advice and help, especially the hoovering in the morning, cranking up MY music, removing all luxuries and giving them an ultimatum.
I'm not real sure what Emilysanswers meant about the baby pics braces etc, as my daughter has never had braces or acne, she's one of the lucky ones who has always had great skin, teeth and a models figure.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (11 January 2010):
Forgive me for not have a life at the moment, but I just looked up Coporal Punishment in the home for Australia, and it says that it's not banned, only in schools.
Basically in most countries, parents don't own their own children. In the U.S. technically the state owns the children and the parents just have the "priviledge" of taking care of them, so a lot of parents don't have any rights as you say, yet their children don't necessarily have a dream of doing nothing with their life.
So the boyfriend gets unemployment and uses the money to go party instead of helping you out. I'm sorry, but I'm starting to agree it really is your fault and you need to step up to these children. Your daughter will probably be mad for a little bit, but one day she'll understand. They're not being productive and they're not doing anything to better their own lives...the boyfriend really shouldn't be any of your concern, but like someone else mentioned, you're really not doing your daughter any favors by allowing her to become a loser as well as be with one 24/7.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, I'm from Australia and here we teach our kids to be independent and responsible for themselves, they are a legal adult at 18, ie. can drink alcohol, drive a car, get a loan, move out, vote and marry.
We are legally responsible to care for our children til they are either 18 or move out of home, which they can do at 16 or younger if their family home is violent.It's also illegal to spank or hit our children in any shape or form.
That law was brought in a few years ago and so basically parents in Australia have no rights with their children, even yelling at them can be classed as a form of abuse.The kids are taught this in school so they know from an early age we can't do anything to really stop their behaviour.
We do not have arranged marriages and never have, and as far as living with the in-laws that only happens here when the new couple are trying to save for a house and really have no other options,it's also something a new couple dread having to do in the first place. And as for the new bride caring for her in-laws, that's just not heard of here and would be considered a joke. When we are elderly one of two things happen, either one of their children move them into their home, sometimes building an extension on their house to accommodate them or they are put into nursing homes.
If my daughter and her b/f were wanting to save for a home and were either working or studying, I wouldn't be as upset, but at the minute neither want to work or study and usually get up around midday, then spend the rest of the day watching movies, playing with the game console, eating and making a mess.
He gets what we call "The Dole" which is a benefit from the Government, he gets $460 per fortnight, doesn't do drugs or smoke, so basically his money is spent on them getting more movies and buying alcohol or going out to clubs, then they give me the excuse that he can't afford to pay anything? Now until the other day I was cooking, cleaning, buying toiletries etc and doing their washing, so I don't see how he can't afford it?
As far as my daughter goes, I would have been prepared to care for financially as long as needed if she was helping around the house and at least making an effort to find a job or return to study,but then I've realized they have both had it so good here and got away with so much that why would they want to work or study or move out when everything is being done for them and all for free? I wish I could just get my pay and blow it every week on whatever I fancied!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): very good suggestion by xlaurenx of asking your daughter what she wants to do/where she might want to travel and then save up for it - saving for a trip is often a really good motivator
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A
female
reader, ashaseth01 +, writes (10 January 2010):
hi
I am not here to advice. I was just reading thru all the advice and I felt weird. We are from different cultures so its obvious. But here goes. I am Indian. In our culture, the parents take care of all their kid's needs till they are graduates or post graduates or whatever else it is they want to study.In the case of a girl child, the parents are responsible for their kid till she is married off to a nice boy. :). In the case of the boy child he is taken care of by his parents until he is studying, and once he gets a job or starts his business, he takes care of all of his parent's needs. Now its time for the parents to retire and lead an easy life. ( oh, by the by, the girl child who got married and left lives wit the inlaws and takes care of her husband's parents along with her husband. See, we work not for our selves but for our past and future generation. So its weird to here a parent asking for rent from their child or a child abusing the parent. In India, we spank kids who misbehave. Also, boyfriend living with the family is something, we aren't allowed to date in the first place. dating is looked down upon. ours is a culture of arranged marriages. :) our parents select whom we marry. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): I am 20 years old and I went to live with my boyfriends family while we saved up for a house, I was 17 and finishing my A levels and he worked while doing a college course. I found a job in a bank as soon as I finished school and two years on I am a trainee accountant with another company. My boyfriend and I have had our own place since we were 18 and pay our bills and do our own house work. Friends I had in school are like your daughter, they sponge off their family and have no desire to work. They have it too easy at home because they know they will get away with whatever they choose to do. Our families were no different to theirs but we made different choices. You cannot keep letting her act like a child when she is now becoming an adult.My mum told me I could do two things in life, I could be like people from our small town and do nothing and get no where. She said if I wanted the nice clothes and to go out nice places then I had to knuckle down and earn it, no matter what job I did she would be proud as long as I always tried my best. Try to motivate your daughter by showing her what she could have-her future will be brilliant but she has to start somewhere. Ask her if there are places she dreams of travelling to, egypt? india? europe? If she has a reason for working then she is more inclined to go out and do her best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): I'm the female anon that answered earlier saying I had the same problem with my daughter & I too was soft hearted with my kids. I just read your reply & it struck me that I was in almost exactly the same position because my daughter's ex BF also had issues within his own family & felt sorry for him & he told me recently that he is sorry he did not get a job sooner & he is upset my daughter dumped him & he said he was looking forward to being part of our family, so I know where you were coming from with that. However, it did him no favours at all dossing at my place because the longer he was there the longer he stayed unemployed. My daughter dumped him because she was pulling her weight at college and he just remained unemployed and always on the playstation. The result was that he he had no choice but to go back home to his dad but within two months of being there, he had sorted out a studio flat for himself, a college course & a job! I think the reason he got his act together was because of tough love, ie he lost his gf & his easy days at my place came to an end, he went back to his dad, couldn't hack it, so he had a reason, a motivation to sort himself out & he has started to do so. He will absolutely have to sort himself out once you've got rid of him. Yes it is sad about the family situations but we are not charities and it is quite one thing to take someone in who is working and trying really hard whilst they get back on their feet (my ex BF did this with his brother in law years ago for six months) but it's a dodgy road to go down, especially with young people. Re your daughter, I misread the bit about her age I thought she was 18 eighteen months ago, thus 20 now but I realise she is still 18. 18 is young but she needs to learn now and she must either be in full time education (a course that is going somewhere not just an excuse to not work but hang out at college) or work, or both. The BF must go and sort himself out properly. You sound like you are determined to sort it out which is good. After bringing these people up and giving them years of love support etc we deserve to have a bit of quality time for ourselves now. My daughter knows she is always welcome here and I wouldn't see her homeless or stuck with a bad guy because she can't come home but I am now 100% non negotiably clear that if she ever needs or wants to live here, there are rules & she either observes them or leaves again. I told her (& she did actually agree with me) that observing a few rules is a very small price to pay, in this big tough world, for a warm clean roof over her head with a caring mother & a happy family life, good food, home comforts etc etc ... Don't let yourself be bullied. Best of luck. Keep us posted. xx
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (10 January 2010):
 I hate to say it, but you seem to be part of the problem that you are complaining about. I know you have made the choices that you have made due to the love you have for your daughter, but you are doing nothing more than adding fuel to the fire.
You should have never let the boyfriend into your home. I know your daughter is technically an adult, but that still is no excuse. If she wants to play house, she needs to get her own place.
But now you find yourself in a pickle. Depending on how long you let the B/F live under your roof and the laws in your state, you might have to evict him (even if he isn't on a lease). Hopefully he isn't that smart and will move out if asked.
Step 1: Set a date for the B/F to move out (the sooner the better).
Step 2: Put him on notice (written and verbal).
Step 3: Don't budge on the moving date.
note: If your daughter threatens to move, show her the door.
Step 4: If the daughter wants to stay, make some rules.
rule 1: No job or not enrolled in school, she moves out. Period
Step 5: Practice tough love.
Now is a time in your life when you should be able to think about retirement. The kids are out of the house. It now about YOU. You deserve this.
Good Luck!
Keep us posted!
Jeff
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am alot like anonymous reader, I'm very soft especially when it comes to my children and my family and friends, and I know myself this usually ends up with me being the miserable one purely so I can help others be happy.I too feel like it's not my house anymore and often retreat to the bedroom to get some peace.
In the beginning I allowed the boyfriend to move in, not for his money because although we did say he'd have to pay board, but because A) yes he worked so he wouldn't be here much to run up bills etc.. and B)he is from a broken home where the mother deserted her son and husband because the husband was abusive, which I agree with except I would have taken my children as well.Things were escalating at his fathers house and he was here most of the time anyway, he was also employed by the father so when he moved out the father sacked him.But I will be putting a pin on the phone, removing the game consoles (which are ours anyway) taking the wireless to work if necessary and cranking up the stereo first thing in the morning! I cant do anything about the power and I already decided to stop cooking and buying food for them.You have all given me some fantastic idea's and thoughts, I'm also going to write a list of rules that must be followed in order for them to be here.
Thank you all so much, I will keep you updated on how I go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): I was angry and upset when I read your post because this happened to me a couple of years ago. The other posters are correct. You have to play hard and be firm otherwise this will carry on indefinitely. Start with the BF. He has to go. Would you have an adult BF of your own lying around your house eating you out of house and home and not working?? I think not. So why are you letting your daughter do this?? She is learning very bad habits and you what they say 'old habits die hard' so you need to be very firm asap. You are not doing her any favours by allowing this behaviour. She is 20/nearly 20 so she is old enough to know. I had a baby & my own place and a full time job at her age, plus I was studying part time for a law degree. She needs to either be in full time education plus have a Saturday job, or be in full time work and looking at her future prospects. She should also contribute to the household expenses and do some chores. She is not a baby. She is a young woman. Don't take any nonsense! Good luck to you xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): I have seen quite a few posts about this sort of thing on here. I wonder if it is a generational thing. I'm 46 but when I was younger it was just automatically expected that I would get a part time job whilst at college then go straight into full time work. A lot of young people today seem to know a lot about their rights, or perceived rights but not much about their responsibilities. I could say a lot more but the other posters seem to have said it all and I couldn't agree more. Get rid of this boyfriend or he will drain you financially and cause all sorts of other problems. Where are his family? The UK does have jobs and the jobcentres are actually fairly well geared up to support people into work and there are loads of free courses to help upskill people into work. I've worked for years as a project manager on government funded schemes for unemployed people so I can assure you he has no excuse at all not to be doing anything. He is young and I presume he is healthy so his current full time occupation should be jobseeking, Monday to Friday 9 to 5, not dossing around your house. I hope you sort this out quickly because in my experience, if these situations are not nipped in the bud early, they can only get worse and you are giving your daughter the wrong message by letting him be there as she will think it is ok and when they split up she will think she has carte blanche to move her next bf in and so on! Without him around so much she might actually wise up and realise that you have her best interests at heart & that it's a big tough wide world out there and she needs to start helping herself and looking towards her future. They are thinking 'in the now' because you are there supporting them so there is no need for them to think ahead. Why would they?! They have a roof over their heads, home comforts, you paying the bills. In these circumstances how will they grow up? I think you can sort this out if you do it now & stick to your guns and mean what you say.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): lol at Emilysanswers! love the baby pics and braces idea! best of luck! my daughters listen to modern music & i listen to classical which they find embarrassing - i've noticed my older daughter can't wait to get her bf out of the house when i pop andrea bocelli on the cd! & my younger daughter changes the radio station in the car if i ever gift a lift to any of her friends! there are lots of things you can do but above all be clear & calm & don't let them bully you! i've known parents resort to locking all the doors apart from their bedroom and the loo, in desperate attempts to sort these sort of problems out but hopefully that is a last resort. the bf needs to go though! i've 3 daughters and i don't feel comfortable with bfs staying over & i've made that clear from the start & they have no choice but to respect it. if the bf is a man why doesn't he get a job & get his own place then yr daughter can visit him there. best wishes
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): Hi there. I was in this exact same situation last year except my daughter was actually going to college. However she was not doing any part time work & her boyfriend was unemployed for over a year. I allowed it to happen then it reached a crisis point. I am a fairly soft hearted person but I had to really force myself to toughen up and although it was uncomfortable for me, it worked!
I spoke to my daughter about it and she wasn't abusive but was manipulative and tried to turn it all around on me, suggesting that I SHOULD be looking after her and supporting her as I am her mother and that she would 'be forced' to leave home 'because of the circumstances' aned she then got a flat of her own but got broke and didn't seem that keen to be there when her BF was not around! So she came here and treated this place like a hotel, which caused more problems! At one point I felt like a fugutive in my own house, sitting in my bedroom reading because there was no privacy and they were all over the house and her 22 yr olf BF was playing the playstation on my new TV and bringing his dog around which made loads of noise in the house! I have two dogs of my own who are well trained and behaved and I learned a lot about people and children from having the dogs I must say! It is actually very simple, they need discipline and boundaries, plus mental stimulation and then affection! What I was doing was give give give spend spend spend affection all the time but no boundaries so they took the 'royal p*ss'!
Anyhow I got to the end of my tether and informed her that she was actually the author of her own circumstances and I pointed out that if HIS parents would not tolerate it, why should I?! I put a pin code on the phone, I got up early & did what I had to do, including hoovering, then went to work, came back but didn't cook etc .. I then made it less and less of a comfortable option for them. I claimed back my sitting room, watched my own TV, kept food supplies low and just cooked for my younger daughter and myself. I put the electricity on a pre-pay meter & one time I went out and let it run right down (only for a couple of hours but it was enough to put them off sitting there in the cold and dark with no food or heat etc). I had to resort to turning the wireless off and taking the TV plug with me to work. Sounds petty I know but it was the only way in the end.
Now that I have reclaimed my home they're not interested in being here anymore and have gone off to her own flat! I told my daughter that i love her and will support her etc but that she has to respect rules. She was coming in at midnight, crashing around waking everyone up (I had to be at work early ever day) and cooking and leaving the kitchen in a mess and running up the phone bill etc etc .
It's partly our own fault cos we love them and have our soft spots for them and we let them get away with it so there are no boundaries. My daughter was shocked when I enforced the rules and now she is much more respectful of me and when she IS here, she observes the rules. My message was and still is, clear: 'I love you, you are my daughter, I will support you in your education and you are welcome here but I am an adult with a job and my own life and I have certain reasonable rules which I expect to be followed. If you cannot manage to follow them you must go back to your flat!' It's hard at first but it works. As for her BF, he needs to leave now - he can go to his own family. As a result my younger daughter is behaving better also and is more co-operative as she was getting fed up with my older daughter's BF always around.
I told my daughter it is not healthy for her and her unemployed BF to be together 24/7 (apart from when she is at college) and not taking any responsibility.
The thing is that in the family home, there is an infrastructure and parents there who have years of experience of life, of budgeting & working etc etc and by the time our kids are grown up we have accumulated our comforts & our stuff etc so it is far more attractive to them than being in a flat on their own, on a budget, without all the comforts. My daughter's flat has crappy flooring and the other flatmate is very strict about not running the gas for too long and switching things off and budgeting & not making too much noise late at night (my daughter and her BF had the TV blaring & her flatmate complained) etc etc .. We do it out of love but I think it's misplaced and sometimes tough love is in their best interests in the long run. You deserve a life too. I'm sure you can sort this out and once her BF gets the message that you are not a free hotel/kitchen your relationship with her might improve (he might even be influencing her in some way).
One thing I learnt was to be tactful and tactical ... I wasn't always tactful and it caused arguments. Don't let them wind you up into shouting and don't let them manipulate you. Think about it in advance, be firm, polite & clear and ALWAYS follow through any threats, to if you threaten to disable to TV or wireless, follow it through politely and firmly & suggest other things they could do with their time, like reading or going for a walk, or doing a big job or college course search! Be smart about it and before you know it without them actually realising, their comforts will be zero and the BF will be out of your place & they WILL try it on but be strong. Stay firm but fair. Try and keepy a good relationship with your daughter whilst doing it, without compromising your position. These kids can be very crafty! And yes, get the hoover out early and put it on loud and have a good old thorough hoover around and see how they like it! Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (10 January 2010):
I'd start playing hard.
I bet they aren't too great at 6am if they drink so much. So bang on a CD at full blast, and head into their room to vaccume and tidy up, turn the lights on and open the curtains. Do this every morning.
If they leave things lying around, like games consoles, TVs etc, then they must not want them any more, so sell them. If she complains then tell her you didn't like it in your house and you needed the money. Point out you've given her plenty of time to pay you in cash and she didn't have any.
Get out the baby pictures to show to your daughters boyfriend. I bet she had a BEAUTIFUL face when she was 12 and in braces with acne.
It's YOUR house and YOUR choice what music you listen to and when, when you do housework, and when you want to invite your friends round.
I think she'll soon start getting out of the house when she realises how much nicer it would be in her own place.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (10 January 2010):
Ya know, I'm not that much older than your daughter and well I don't mean to lecture you or anything--but what made you okay with moving the boyfriend in? Because he had a job? Does he not have family of his own he can go to?
I think you need to give them an ultimatum and that they need to shape up or ship out. They're adults and if they want to be treated and live togeher like adults then maybe they should act like it and get a job or do something with their lives. First, I'd give the bf x-amount of time to get his crap out and give your daughter x-amount to time to go to class, get a job, or get the heck out.
You're not being a bad mother if you do this. But your daughter somewhere along the road thought it was okay to act this way. I'm no angel, but when I lost my job and had to move back home I at least went back to class and helped with the chores around the house even though none of that was expected from my parents. I'm pretty sure once she realizes that it's live on the street or get a job, she'll find a job.
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (10 January 2010):
You need to give them a deadline for getting out of your house. Say, when you are moving to your new place. It gives them enough time to sort themselves out. In the mean time, stop buying food or anything for them. Maybe if the food runs out and you tell them you just have no money to buy it they might wake up a little. Only cook for yourself and let them starve. You just have to be strong to deal with this.
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