A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My parents have been married for 19 years and my dad has been cheating on my mom for as long as i can remember i believe she knows i thought he stopped but i have his voicemail password and i secretly check it a few times a week and there are several messages from several different women i dont want my mom to be hurt i want justice but i dont want them divorced and i know i shouldnt be in my parents marriage it just hurts me and causes me to have trust issues in my relationships..... He is a generally a good man, a great father, and a pretty good husband despite the cheating..... I need help wat should i do .... Should i tell my mom should i let her listen to the messages or what
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female
reader, bitch +, writes (26 December 2009):
First of all I am so so sorry you have to live knowing this is happening to your parents. You must feel awful. This is a very hard thing to experience and you are very much affected by what your father is doing even though it is not all in the open right now. It definitely affects how you feel about your father, and your mother. Listen to me, you cannot change this right now. You can be as supportive as you know how by being there for your mom and for your dad as well when and if their relationship ends. It is hard to keep cheating under wraps forever in any relationship. It is something people get caught up in because they have issues with themselves or their partners. You should not bring this to light right now. It is not your "job" to police your parents relationship and their relationship is not your responsibility in any way. Just be the child and be the best kid you can be no matter what happens to their marriage. I know this is driving you crazy, but please for your sake let it go.... just stay out of it and be supportive any way you can.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 December 2009):
 Oh, you dont want your parents to get divorced, so what do you think is the most likely outcome if you bring your father's ongoing affairs,which you believe your mother knows about, into the open?
Use your brain, you are playing with real people's lives here, regardless of their relationship to you. Butt out, it is none of your business.
Try being the adult your ID states you are instead of a spoilt brat!
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (18 December 2009):
 If there is a discussion of any sort that is to be had, it's between you and your father, not you and your mother. From the tone of post, it seems like you want to let your dad know that you're on to him, and getting this out in the open is especially important to you because it is affecting your ability to have relationships. From my perspective, because you father's affairs are affecting you, you have a right to talk to him about his actions.
Although you describe your dad as a great husband and father, by cheating he is not living up to those roles. Perhaps you are angry that he presents one face to the world, but in reality he is not who he says he is. Let him know that you love him, but that you are disappointed by his infidelity and let him know it is is hurting you. Believe it or not, he may not have even considered how his actions might impact his daughter's ability to choose healthy relationships. He probably thought that he was being discrete and that what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you. But the truth is that you DO know and have always known and it IS hurting you. It's okay to stop the denial.
Before you do anything else, think about how you want to confront your dad. If you don't want a face-to-face confrontation, you could write him a letter or email, or leave some sort of evidence that lets him know that you know about his affairs-- perhaps leave him a note saying
"Dad, your girlfriend called. Please call her back at 222-2222 to let her know when you're going to get together again."
Of course you have to consider how your father may react. While he may be angry that you accessed his voicemail, I think he will be embarrassed more than anything else. It wouldn't hurt for him to be embarrassed; it might knock some sense into his head! If he becomes too nervous, angry, or just speechless when you confront him, back off and give him some time to think. Letting him know that you are aware of his affairs is going to make him take a deep look at himself and his actions, and it's going to be really hard for him to face you and talk about his actions.
Because you have a good relationship with your father, focus your conversation on how his behaviors are causing you pain, not how it's hurting your mother. Make sure he understands how hurt and confused you are about his affairs, but let him know that you still love him despite what he's doing.
This is a very difficult and awkward situation to be in, but I hope speaking to your father and letting the truth come out will help you heal and move forward.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 December 2009):
 You know I grew up in a similar household, my Dad would have affairs (many of them) over the years and I think for quite a while my Mom had no idea. I was wrong.
She had known about it almost from day 1. For whatever reason ( mostly for me and my brother's sake) she stayed, after 20 years I'm guessing it was more of a habit then anything. They are like two really good friends/room mates and I have always wondered why she didn't just kick him out and move on, but out of respect I never got in the middle of it. My parents were/are both a couple of grown ass people, who knows just as well as I do that every action has a reaction. They have chosen to stay together and are for the most part pretty happy with the marriage - after 45 years.
Personally I don't get it. But, it's not my life. It is theirs. I know it have affected both me and my bother and our relationships and pick of partners, but again, that is something we have to deal with.
I'm sorry I can't see anything good coming from you getting in the middle. However if you can not help yourself, I suggest you sit down with your Dad first and talk to him. If you mom should hear about this, it should come from him, not you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): i totally disagree with all that they said.well as a child i guess it's really hard for you, i am same sort of age a you and i would have talked to my mum.tell my mum about it and it's upto her to decide what to do next.i've been in same sort of situation when i was a lil kid, i remember my mum following my dad one night just to see where he goes.When mum realise there was someone else.it's not nice for us kids to experience all that. this has never stopped me from loving my dad. I have always love him but somewhere deep down i would have wish for a better family life. I think you should talk to her but don't let her hear them cause she might be hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): MYOB!!! This is a classic mind your own business moment. I assure you that if you have known or suspected this for years, she does too. This is attrocious behaviour on your part tho! I have children, no illicit things going on, but i would be horrified and furious to find out they were reading my texts, emails etc. They dont even dig in my purse! My husband has access and passwords for the asking...but absolutely not my kids. :P
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 December 2009):
 What a buttinski. You are way out of line here my dear. Count on the fact that your mother knows and is handling things the way she wants to. If you stick you nose into things you may force her to do something she has preferred not to do or at least is postponing. If she comes and asks you for your help or opinion, fine, but until then mind your own beeswax.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (18 December 2009):
 In this situation you have put yourself in the middle of business that really shouldn't be your concern. Yes, they are your parents but you might not want them listening to your emails or interfering in your private life either.
You don't have the responsibility of putting this hurt at your mothers door. What goes on behind closed doors is their business. She might even, as strange as it seems, know about the other women and put up with it for the sake of her marriage - if you show her you know about it, it might burst her bubble and she might have to admit it to herself, but again, it isn't your burden to bare.
If you really cannot hold this information to yourself, you should talk to your father about it, subtly, and suggest he talks with your mother or stops seeing the women.
Of course. If you have to do this, he will want to know where you found out and then he'll have to know you checked his account and then he'll be mad at your deception and mistrust in him, albeit well intentioned.
I think in situations like this, the truth comes out eventually but you should tread very carefully - you shouldn't have checked his phone. You shouldn't be privy to the information you currently have. If you tell your mother you are risking ruining their marriage and your relationship with your father.
Think on it very carefully before you get involved any deeper, and perhaps stop listening to his voice mail. It is his business, whether it is right or wrong.
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