A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a bit of a fear of divorce. You always hear how happy a couple is yet they end up divorced years later. I think about this a lot and hear all sorts of reasons for divorce from experts, money differences etc, but I'm really curious about real people and their story. Anyone on this site who has been divorced themselves, why did it happen? Did you truly love each other at one time? How did it get to the point of giving up? With the divorce rate so high it's scary to think you can marry someone and be happy yet still fail later. I'd like to hear real stories of your divorce and why it happened if anyone wants to share. Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): I have not been divorced, but looking at people who have and everyone in general I think that people get divorced because people change, their needs and desires and goals all change, I infact, seem to in the past few years done a complete turn around on my whole personality. Unfortunately aswell, people do just fall out of love, whether it's through arguments, fighting, or just emotional detatchment from somebody, it happens, but that's life.
A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (16 August 2012):
 I too have been married twice, the first for 7 years and the second for 19 years. the last marriage finished 2 years ago. with the first marriage we were both young and silly. I guess she wanted marriage more than me but that faded. we had 2 children. I was shocked when she wanted separation and it took me some years to find my own happy space. I thought marriages lasted forever. after 7 years I met another woman and that was really good until the depression and the manic cycles started becoming evident. no matter who you marry there will be some issues. my second wife was a lovely person to be married to when she wasn't having problems. I (unlike doublejack) am looking forward to spending another 20 years with someone else. my spirit is still strong. maybe there isn't the one but there are a few people in this world who can make your life better and maybe you can do the same for them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): i was married twice 1st time for 8 years, he got hooked on crack, and i could not tolerate it. i got two beatiful girls from him so it was well worth it. 2nd time well im in the middle of it right now. i lived with him for 8 years, put up with him cheating at least 5 times and thats the only ones i knew about, could have been more. been married for 12 years, but now we are seperated, i have filed for a divorce because he found him a hot, fresh 24 year old, whom he said he could not live without. prolonging the divorce lawyer as long as i can just to see how it pans out. i would like to stay in this marriage, because dispite the cheating, he was a pretty good guy. there is alot of reasons people get divorce, but for me i think the most common is cheating, they all think the grass is greener, they get bored with their partners, instead of trying to make it work, they go out where its new and exciting, but in the end it gets just as boring.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 August 2012):
 I've never been divorced, but many close to me have been.
I've noticed several themes. One is that people who have parents who aren't divorced are less likely to get divorced (but obviously you shouldn't break up with someone because of their parents' relationship). One couple I know, the guy's parents stayed together until one died. The woman's parent's married and divorced like sport. She was the one who initiated the divorce. People who have parents who have cheated are more likely to cheat. The couples I knew who were BOTH heavily involved in the others' lives are almost always stronger/more stable than the ones who can't make at least some time for each other in pretty much all circumstances. One couple I know saw no problem going for weeks without talking (if say, one was traveling). They got divorced. Another was long distance for many years, but they made sure to talk multiple times a day. They are still together.
It's important before you get married to be sure your partner is right for you. There might be little things you're missing that are huge red flags, so be sure to honestly ask your friends and family. If they dislike someone it's often a good sign there's something wrong. There are exceptions, but generally if your friends universally dislike someone, there's probably something wrong. My friend has been married a few years now and she's going to get divorced soon. I could have told her they were terrible together from the second they got together, but she never wanted an honest opinion on it, even though she knew most of us never liked the guy. Meanwhile another of my friends got married very young but we all thought they were a spectacular couple. They are still going strong (though it's only been a few years).
Of course I'm still very young and have not been married, but these are just my observations.
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female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (15 August 2012):
 I just turned 50 and have been married and divorced twice. I doubt very highly that there will be marriage number 3, I'm not brave enough to believe in the saying "Third time is the charm". My first marriage we were both 19, we had planned on getting married, I got pregnant accidentally so we moved up the wedding. I do believe we really loved each other, but there were signs I seen which I ignored. He had an explosive temper, he used to hit walls, break things. I mistakenly believed he would never do anything to me, and that I could change him. BIG MISTAKE. I hoped for the best, but had a sinking feeling things wouldn't work out. I was right. He started abusing me both physically and mentally. After 2 years, I got the courage to leave. 2nd marriage lasted 15 years and we were extremely happy. His father died unexpectedly and my husband started drinking and never stopped. I finally had to walk away because he had become a full blown alcoholic and refused help. I don't mean this to sound snobby but I know I wasn't the cause of either divorce. Both men turned into people that I didn't know. The 1st marriage was sort of understandable being so young, the 2nd marriage I was totally blind sighted. I never seen it coming. I really loved my 2nd husband and was devastated that he grew to love alcohol more than his wife and family. I no longer believe in the institution of marriage and happily ever after...at least not for me. It seems to have just not been in the cards for me.I'm too afraid to try again, and quite honestly a little too embarrassed to marry again. Many people have truly long lasting happy marriages..I just wasn't one of them.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 August 2012):
 I've been divorced three times.. sadly
divorce #1: we got married very young I was 21.. he was controlling and I had no clue how to deal with it... 7 years in, I said I wanted a divorce and he did not fight me... we have two children, they are grown... We are divorced longer than we were married... we get along nicely and I like his wife... The kids always were happier having two homes.. mommy and daddy fought a lot... the younger one doesn't even remember us being a family... it's all he's ever known... and he's fine with it. I just didn't have a sense of myself at that age... what I wanted at 21 was not what I wanted or needed at 29
Divorce #2 he tried to kill me when he was high on crack that he got from his girlfriend... enough said on that one..
Divorce #3... blindsided here... I thought we were happy... had an open marriage because he needed the ego stroking of the attention of lots of women... he had very poor self-esteem... I was in love and happy... since he had girlfriends, I added a male friend to my side... he did not like it... but every time I offered to end the friendship he would say NO... because he was looking for a way out...
THIS is the only marriage I feel I failed at and yet he's the one who failed the marriage... I didn't feel the need to end it.
I'm too brave of a soul now... getting married (to the male friend I added to my marriage 2 years ago) in October.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (15 August 2012):
I'll share. I am 36 right now and have been divorced for over 3 years. My relationship with my ex started when I was almost 22, and we were married two weeks after my 23rd birthday. So the marriage lasted almost 10 years.
There were several issues with the relationship, but the eventual deal breaker was my ex-wife's cheating. In hindsight I never should have married her, as I was leery from early on that she was untrustworthy. My ex admitted to me when we were dating that she had cheated on both of the previous guys she was in long term relationships with. I suspected all along that monogamy just wasn't for her. I could not have been more right.
I first caught her cheating 3 years before I filed for divorce, so after 6-7 years of marriage. She denied everything and I wanted to believe her, so I gave her a second chance. I realize now I was wasting my time. I should have ended it immediately. Sure enough, she just got more sneaky instead of actually staying faithful. I busted her a second time, and that was it. I asked / told her to leave and filed for divorce. There was no third chance coming her way.
Since going through all of that I am far more selective about women. If I see similar personality traits to those I associate with cheating, such as a strong desire for male attention or a pattern of dishonesty, I end things without thinking twice. I don't care how much a woman says she loves me, or how pretty she is. I analyze her actions and behavior and make my decisions based on that.
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