A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so here's the situation.I have this coworker who is 31 and I'm 21. When I first started working there, I always noticed him, but not to the point where I really found him attractive. I heard that he had some of the same interests as I did. The same hobby that only a couple of people in the department had. I finally mustered up the courage to speak to him and introduce myself. He heard that I was into the same interest as him and we started a conversation that way. He started to office chat me afterward ever He chatted me once and asked me what I was doing for the weekend, I told him I was going on a trip. when I got back, he came up to my cubical and asked me how it went. I work somewhere where conversations can be easily interrupted, so I ended up telling him about my wknd when I was on break, over at his desk.y now and then, and I wouldn't think too much of it. Eventually he started to chat me every day, and I found out that we really get along, and we had the same sense of humor. His demeanor is very very attractive. So i started to go on 15-25 min walks with him whenever my schedule allowed me to because his schedule is not as demanding as mine, it is on my own terms. He is a bad boy though. Everything he stands for is normally what I am not attracted to. He smokes, he curses. But he doesn't curse in front of me. He knows my christian background and i'm very open about how I'm a "good girl." He is 31 and I'm 21. He also has a girlfriend who has 2 kids and I have a boyfriend who is 24.I've been in a serious relationship for 4 years now. The guy is the LOVE of my life. At the time I met this guy we were at a low point in our relationship. We didn't live together and all I ever wanted was to get married (because i wouldn't live with him before marriage). Originally, our plan was to get engaged a year from then. He was always very vague about when exactly we would plan on getting married, I was starting to lose hope. I tried to breakup because I felt like our situation was at a standstill and I wanted to move on with my life. My boyfriend at the time found out about this guy I work with through a conversation with my friend, he saw everything. How attracted I was to him and how I had these horrible intentions, and how I'm not sure if I can control myself. He saw how much we were hanging out at work. He was so angry that I knew he would not forgive me.And I felt like I had made a horrible mistake and all i ever wanted was to be with him and marry him. This stupid person got in the way. After about a week my boyfriend wanted to get married. We discussed our life plans and we both want to go in the same direction. We both have everything in common and we are both so attracted to one another.So now we're engaged.The problem is, I see my coworker every day. He still wants to talk to me and everyone that I'm friends with at work is friends with him. I've distanced myself from him avoiding him completely taking breaks and lunches by myself, even leaving the premise. I did this about 2 weeks. After the two weeks he out of no where chats me and asks how I am and what I've been up to. I told him i'm getting married. He knows the low point my boyfriend at the time and I were at in our relationship. This is his response. "Whaaaaaaaaat :D? congrats! I'm happy for you :)." Now I'll talk to him a little bit on chat, I definitely don't flirt with him how I used to. I still feel like I need to explain to him the situation because now I won'r hang out with him out side of work when everyone else does and I'm sure he thinks i'm being harsh for no reason.I know my relationship with the coworker would not go anywhere. Just perhaps sexually, it would be a fling completely. He's not the type to settle down with. He doesn't even live with his gf of 3 years because he needs "space"I have mixed feelings about him. He sits right near me and he is in my field of vision almost all day. He's one of the company's best workers so he is their golden boy too so that is very attractive. Physically he's so hot.But then there are things about him that i've always found disgusting (like smoking for example)I would say we developed a pretty good friendship, so should I explain to him why I've been distant? I don't want him to think i'm a bitch. Maybe I could get over him faster if i tell him.and how's the best way to get over this person?
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at work, christian, co-worker, crush, engaged, flirt, has a girlfriend, I work with, move on, smokes Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much! When it comes to my fiancee and I's relationship everything is just perfect. We want to move forward and we love each other very much. I understand the reason why this has happened. Ever since I've been in a relationship the full four years time I've always had guy friends, when it was appropriate either at work or friends of my brother or boyfriend at the time. I've never once been this attracted to someone and it was because I allowed myself to get to know someone who I was physically attractive to and they actually ended up being very interesting and very much someone who I admired. I've always been sort of on the wild side, and always got along with boys. Now with maturity I realize I can't do those things if I want a successful relationship. From now on I cannot be friends with guys. Especially if I'm physically attracted to them, I cannot get to know them on my own terms. Normally when guys would try and get to know me in the past at work, I would just ignore them or keep it very short. This "coworker" of mine, just happened to be extremely persistent and eventually I sort of let my wall down. Unfortunately, the result of allowing this to happen means a rough patch with the person whom I love, and also having to get over my "coworker." It will a little bit of time but if I keep my distance the crush will go away much sooner. I have to keep mentally disciplined. So thanks janniepeg, I've decided there are absolutely no reasons for me to explain myself to this person.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 January 2014):
 I don't think any 31 year old needs an explanation why an engaged woman decides to be distant. What if he tells you there is no need to be distant and it's safe, then you maintain contact and it gets harder to get over him?
You and your boyfriend are like high school sweethearts. I can easily understand why he was not ready for marriage. So far I see few reasons for this marriage. One, it's time and it's the only way to live with you and to have intimacy legitimately. Two, he thinks marriage would stop you from fantasizing about other men. Three, he can't stand the thought of other men, especially alpha ones, to possess you. Four, the marriage thing is now or never. If he doesn't do the deed then you are going to wander off.
I am not sure if these are good reasons. You two are convincing yourselves that you are on the same page and when you said you are both so attracted to each other I think, Really??? Even if your boyfriend is not really ready he has to force himself to be ready or risk losing you forever.
I don't think your coworker is the stupid person who got in the way. He is actually the catalyst for this marriage to happen. Sadly a lot of people get married for reasons which have nothing to do with readiness and a desire to be stuck with one person forever.
Rather than worrying about how this coworker feels, I would really think about if I am ready to settle down if I get the hots for bad boys. If it weren't for this coworker it would be another one. The ability to control this impulse to try something forbidden could come with experience. Once you get it out of the system you move on with life and say to yourself been there, done that, nothing magical, then you can focus and channel all your love onto one man. With all this fantasy unfulfilled you would always be distracted. Of course some women hold the ideal of being with one man and also the last man forever. It takes a special kind of mental discipline. If you have the patience to wait 4 years then you also have the strength to tell yourself to let go of the coworker. It's also a willingness to do so.
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