A
female
age
41-50,
*lba5
writes:I'm concerned for a friend she is totally paranoid her boyfriend will cheat on her and after losing her father to alcoholism related disease I think she has issues. Two years ago there was evidence her boyfriend cheated on her but he wormed his way out of it and she believed his lies.. Now the same woman has confronted her that they still have been having an affair that he has been lying to the both of them. I have a horrible feeling he's going to cast his spell again and she's going to take him back. What can I do?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (3 July 2013):
 So it was Reason #2 then. I usually see this when the cheater lies about being single, and the other woman is as innocent as his girlfriend.
In this case, sadly, when confronted by empirical and unassailable evidence, there are a few women whose psyche or emotional state would violently shatter unless the denial mechanism kicked in. It's not merely a question of whether she chooses to be in denial. It's that she *must* be or everything crumbles. I've actually seen this a lot with people who have experienced extreme trauma (like molestation or a death in the family) whose mind actually plays tricks on them as a defense mechanism. Like a rape victim whose mind blocks it out from the very memory, or has convinced themselves that the deceased spouse, child, or other loved one isn't really dead, just "away" and will return one day.
If you see mental unbalance or denial, there are a number of things you can do...or NOT do.
You can be the voice of logic and reason when she listens to his lies. Tell her the other woman didn't make it up and explain why (i.e. letters, calls, fake Facebook). Just continue to be the voice of reality.
Another thing you can do is help her catch the guy. There are many websites out there on how to catch a cheater. If you had the time and were inclined, you could do that on your own. She may be able to go into denial about the other woman, but you are a trustworthy and honest friend.
Eventually, your friend will not be able to deny it, either this time or the eventual NEXT time, as this guy sounds like a complete serial cheating dog.
Otherwise, I don't know. There isn't much you can do with someone who has taken denial to a desperate and irrational extreme, so I hope she wakes up soon.
A
female
reader, Alba5 +, writes (3 July 2013):
Alba5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNeither her Father was and that's why I think she has abadonment issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): I'm confused, is your friend alcoholic or her partner? X
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A
female
reader, Alba5 +, writes (2 July 2013):
Alba5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe woman did have letters, calls on her phone and showed proof he had another facebook account. I Believe the other woman was sick of his lies?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 July 2013):
So there's another woman that told your friend that her boyfriend has been cheating, and that she's the other woman? The first thing that would come into my mind would be to tell your friend to tell this "other woman" to prove it.
There are only three actual reasons why another woman would confront a wife or girlfriend to tell them that they're the other woman.
1. The cheating is still happening and the other woman wants the girlfriend/wife out of the picture.
2. The cheating has happened and the mistress got jilted and wants to stick it to the cheating man.
and
3. The woman wants the guy for herself and hasn't yet cheated.
The last reason is exceedingly unlikely in this situation, so the need for proof is big. She believes her boyfriend because she wants to. This woman could trot out her boyfriend in front of her, and her mind would work to try to explain it away because the truth is too painful.
I think the best thing you can do is to tell her that the truth will be painful, but you'll be there beside her to help. she needs proof that can't be explained away, like texts, emails, receipts, phone numbers, etc.
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