A
male
age
51-59,
*owntoearth
writes:My girlfriend's idea of turning off the cell phone while having sex, is to just put it on vibrate. The noise totally takes me out of the moment and is getting extremely annoying. I ask her to please turn off the phone to allow us to have some private time, even if just for an hour or less. She said no. Her reason is because she worries about her mother needing her out of some emergency. I told her that is why we have 911. Anyhow, she is claiming that her mother relies on her for "things". She is not old by any stretch and her health is fine. Anyhow, she has also answered the cell phone text and voice calls from her mother in the middle of sex. We are not in a huge fight because I told her that although I do understand wanting to be there for her mother in a time of crisis, it doesn't mean that she stop living her life and ignore the fact this this is very disturbing to me. I told her that I didn't feel she respected me very much by doing things like answering the phone or texts. I told her that I thought it was just rude. She basically minimizes what I'm saying and told me not to even worry about moving in with her now. Any advice?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (10 August 2012):
Hi. You did the right thing.
You can find someone better than her, who will treat you with respect and dignity, and with no exceptions.
Speaking or texting on a mobile phone during lovemaking, is just NOT on at all.
No matter what the circumstances, there is no excuse for it whatsoever.
It's just plain rude.
Best wishes.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (8 August 2012):
 These things have a way of working out if they are meant to be. Wishing you the best.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 August 2012):
 (Following downtoearth's reply): It was good that you didn't call, text, or chat with her (today).... since - who knows? - you might have interrupted something ELSE important that she was doing......
Sorry to be glib.... but I hope you are doing OK... and that you can put this matter to rest....
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (8 August 2012):
For a "crisis?" I sometimes wonder how the human species ever made it to 1995 without cell phones, I mean, with all those crises and all.....
You need to let your wife know that you need her too, and as her husband you come first, just as she does as your wife. Sorry, cell phone use during sex is just not acceptable.
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A
male
reader, downtoearth +, writes (8 August 2012):
downtoearth is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much everybody. Taking time to help another person out is pretty cool. I did not call, text, or chat with her yesterday at all. I broke it off with her and I'm trying to move on. One day at a time. :-)
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (8 August 2012):
Hi. I think you have said it very clearly in the letter about how you feel, and I don't think it's possible to improve upon that.
I also believe that you have remained calm when you wrote that letter, so none of the statements you made were made in anger or in criticism, either - which is good.
So the good thing is that she knew you wrote it in a completely calm mood.
So what I am really saying here, is that she knows it wasn't said in the heat of the moment.
Which then means that you meant every word of it.
She now has some very serious thinking to do.
If she is unwilling to make any changes and continues to defend her behaviour as there being nothing wrong with it, well then unfortunately, it might be time for you to move on with your life - without her.
I think you can definitely do better than to tolerate this very insensitive behaviour of hers.
You deserve better for yourself, surely.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 August 2012):
Consider yourself lucky. My Ex- used to READ HER MAIL while we were having intercourse.... and she would take out her checkbook and make payments.... and her courtesy cards and write notes to her college sorority sisters!!!!
My latest G/F is a real slut.... and has agreed to let me drive my car over her cell phone such that she CAN'T receive any calls/messages whilest we are doing you-know-what......
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (7 August 2012):
 It's incredibly rude for her to do that. I would be livid, and like Cerberus I wouldn't carry on with the sex. Replying to text messages in the middle of sex?! It's mad. It's extremely disrespectful and downright weird.
I have a friend (platonic) who constantly looks at his phone when we're out. He's on Facebook etc. I hate it, and think its thoroughly disrespectful and selfish. But for that to happen during sex? No way.
As for her throwing things at you during an argument and the 'don't move in' comment, well she's aggressive. Really, I think you can do better than this woman. To be honest, she doesn't sound like the happiest woman in the world, whether it's to do with you or not I don't know, but you're clearly not happy either.
I hope your letter to her is the wake up call she needs but I doubt it to be honest.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (7 August 2012):
Two decades ago people weren't reachable 24/7 either and we didn't have mass death because of it. She's obsessed with her phone, she just doesn't want to admit it. I highly doubt her mom doesn't have anyone else in the world to turn to but her.
Next time this happens during sex, simply push her off you, or get off her and quit the sex altogether. What person is worth making love to if they can't even devote an hour of their time to you? If words won't convince her, actions will.
But honestly OP, I'd seriously reconsider continuing this relationship. Like Cerberus said, she sounds like a selfish person who's a chore to be with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2012): If she's doing it all the time then that would piss me off. I had an ex that had that nasty little habit before the way I solved it was simple. First off I talked to her and she wouldn't see my side at all, kept throwing the "we women can multi-task" bullshit at me. When that didn't work I started trying to put her off when she was talking on the phone or trying to text, you know what I mean. After a while she got annoyed with that because it was working a bit too well so she'd stop me, in those circumstances any time her pohne rang and she answered it I would just stop altogether, leave the room and finish myself off. She started to get quite annoyed that I wasn't finishing her off but I simply said the phone calls were killing the mood for me and I was losing my arousal so I had to finish myself off before I went completely floppy. That quite simply I need her focus and attention to keep me aroused. I didn't say it in a bitter way, I didn't say it as a punishment or blackmail but merely a statement of fact, the phone was putting me off sex and even though the erection part was a fabrication, emotionally and mentally it was very true but I had to use the physical excuse or she'd just think I was being a dick.
She stopped using it after that, because she had no right to complain about losing an erection due to being interrupted by her phone, an erection is not something we guys can control so it was mainly her fault on her insistence on using her phone.
She turned it off after that and didn't use it anymore during sex.
But guess what OP, she was a selfish, uncaring and game playing woman in general, perfectly willing and able to use emotional blackmail to get her way and really not caring what I though or how I felt at all. her not getting why the phone thing was an issue nor even being willing to discuss it was a very bad sign.
If you ask me your girlfriend sounds the same.
"She basically minimizes what I'm saying and told me not to even worry about moving in with her now."
That's a very messed up thing to say isn't it? What is she 12? Seriously?
You need to have a long hard think of what kind of woman this girl is OP. Mine a hell of a lot of work, nothing was easy with her, everything was a battle to do even the most minor of things and if she didn't get her way she would be patronizing and more than capable of being a bit of bitch. I mean saying not to worry about moving in her is a pretty catty thing for your woman to say OP. As much as I hate to say it I really don't think she's the kind of woman in which talking will work if she resorts to that kind of emotional blackmail to get her way.
Have a good long think to yourself OP and see if this is a common behaviour with her, think of other times, other situations and think of how she acts when she doesn't get her way. If this is how she deals with issues then you really need to consider what kind of partner she is going to be. Most of all though OP talk to your buddies and ask them what they think of her behaviour and trust their views.
This woman sounds like a bit of a chore, someone who always needs appeasing and truly doesn't care how you feel about certain things. That kind of stubbornness is a character trait that cannot be reversed, trust me. I spent far too long trying.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 August 2012):
 There seem to be some people who are totally dependent on their phones. As in, I'm not sure they can actually use willpower alone to stop. This is so far beyond rude, it's obsessive borderline addict behavior. The way you're describing this, I'd question if she could merely make the decision to turn off the phone and then do so. If she loses or misplaces her phone, does she seem panicky about it?
I can of course think of several situations where it is appropriate to have a phone near during sex. If someone if in the hospital, if you are trying to squeeze in a quickie at an inappropriate time or place (say, a relative's house), or you are waiting to hear back about something very important. Otherwise absolutely not.
You need to sit down (out of the moment) and have a discussion about this and tell her that sex is between you and her, not you, her, and her mother. Ask her to imagine the worst case scenario if she doesn't answer her phone. No one dies, the world doesn't end, she just calls her back in 30 minutes. Point out she is actually behaving like an addict and she needs to try to wean herself off the phone and away from relying so much on her mother as she is a grown woman and this kind of dependence isn't healthy. If that doesn't work, perhaps it is time to walk. She will have her phone to keep her company anyways.
You could always threaten to yell into the phone "we're having sex" the next time she answers it during sex too... (that was a joke, don't actually do that).
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A
male
reader, downtoearth +, writes (7 August 2012):
downtoearth is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all very much. It's nice to get other people's perspective. I wrote her this after reading your responses. Sometimes when you think you are in love, you have to "go through tough times", but I don't think this is the case anymore. I think it's manipulation on her part. She needs help.Dear Traci,Just know that I am not mad or angry right now. I would never ask you to disrespect your mother. I know that you want to be there for her. I feel the same way about my dad. I know you love your mom just as I love my dad. However, I will not tolerate you answering your phone for anybody during sex. It appears to me that your phone and communications with other people are more important than me. Hence the comment that I need not worry about moving in now when I told you how I felt of this matter. It also appears to me that you have a penchant for not changing your behavior no matter how disrespectful it is toward me. You seem to always talk your way out of a situation and manipulate the reality of what actually occurs to get things “back on track”. But reality is that you only get things back on track for you. I am now in what appears to be a losing situation. I am a reasonable man and I have every right to ask you to change this behavior. Besides, I don’t know of too many moms who can’t wait the time it takes to have sex before calling you about the weather. If you were a nurse, doctor, or paramedic I might understand this rationale because you do live so close to her. Do you realize that you have actually answered the phone and texted people back while we were having sex? Do you not understand how incredible upsetting that is to me? Do you understand that is not acceptable behavior? Do you not get that it is absolutely a shame that they are more important than me during that moment? It is rude and you are rude to me. I can’t understand this obsession you have and to me there is really no good reason for it. Just suppose it was me answering the phone during sex over and over. How would that make you feel? Do you think it would cause a problem? Treat people the way you want to be treated. Time and time again you seem to forget that the Golden Rule that applies to us. But it is now clear that you are not forgetting rather you just don’t care. You are in a habit of doing as you please and not thinking of my feelings. The only time you seem to think of them is when I raise issue with the way I feel that I am being treated. That is alarming to say the least. Again, this is completely bad behavior on your part. It's just as bad, as if I went on a date with someone and it was the first date, and the girl had her cell phone switched on and it rang - and she just picked up the call, and went on talking as though I wasn’t there. There is a total lack of consideration of my feelings. In your text to me yesterday you stated that I keep a list of infractions in my head. Things keep occurring with you that are disrespectful toward me. Why or how could I forget that when they happen so frequently? To be quite honest, you seem to have quite a few qualities of a female abuser in my opinion. When I think about you hitting me in the face with the jeans you threw at me, it makes me sick inside. You have no right to treat another human being like a dog just because you are angry. You have no right to treat me so unkind. You will never get a chance to do it again.I have asked you to get help either alone or with me and you have refused. That is the only way I will ever “date” you again. The time for talk and half-measures are over.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (7 August 2012):
I am ticked off when a cell phone rings and I'm out to lunch or dinner, so I can't even begin to imagine how furious I would be if it was during sex.
It sounds like she is telling you that her phone and communication with other people is more important than you are. Hence the comment that you do not need to worry about moving in with her now.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but I would seriously consider leaving her. It's obvious she is not going to do anything to change the situation and this leaves you in a lose-lose situation. I think you sound very reasonable and have every right to ask her to change this. If she won't, you have every right to leave.
Besides that, I don't know of too many moms or other people who can't wait the time it takes you to have sex. Like you said, if there is a real emergency, it's likely the EMS can get there faster.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (7 August 2012):
Hi there. I agree with you, that for her to answer her cell phone while you and her are making love, is just plain rude.
No other word for it.
I don't want to alarm you here, but is it really her mother that she is checking her cell phone for?
Or could it be someone else that she is checking for, when it buzzes?
Especially, as her mother is in reasonable health, so really there is no immediate danger, is there?
I can't understand this obsession that she has, there really is no good reason for it, is there?
Or, is it that she is simply obsessed by technology and must check her cell phone for every single call or text message that comes in?
In any case, it is NOT acceptable behaviour, by any means.
Now just suppose that it was you who continually was checking your cell phone whenever it buzzed, how would SHE like it then?
So really, if she didn't want anyone to treat her that way, well then she should not be acting that way herself, should she?
What goes around, comes around, after all.
This is really bad manners, and it's totally inappropriate to speak or check a cell phone, while you are with your partner, making love.
It's just not on at all.
It's just as bad, as if you went on a date with someone and it was the first date, and the girl had her cell phone switched on and it rang - and she just picked up the call, and went on talking as though you were not there.
It's the exact same thing.
Yes, what she does certainly would ruin the moment, for sure.
It's a big distraction, to say the very least!
Apart from this talking on the cell phone during love making, how is the rest of your relationship, otherwise?
Do you get along pretty well, generally?
It's very disrespectful, isn't it?
And not only that, it shows a complete lack of consideration for your feelings in the relationship.
It's almost like she doesn't give a stuff!
Sometimes when you have to make a point of something like this and how it makes you feel, it's not so much what you say, but how you say it that really matters.
It sounds like it is time to have a serious heart to heart talk to her about how you really feel about everything that she does, that upsets you.
Complete honesty is key here, to getting a favourable result and being able to make some changes for the better.
Don't delay it any longer.
She needs to know how you really feel.
And when you have this chat, stay calm and don't get angry, otherwise it could elevate to a full scale argument and then you will both say things you wished you hadn't.
And be kind and respectful also.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (7 August 2012):
 I wouldn't bother moving in with her, either. She totally disrespects you and doesn't think much of sex with you; her heart is obviously not in it if she worries more about her mother and/or her phone.
Can you imagine what life would be like with her mother as your mother-in-law?
Get a good pair of running shoes and leg it!
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