A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my girlfriend and i have been fighting lately... we've been dating almost 2 years, but we don't live together yet, she lives only a few towns away though so we do see each other usually at least once a week. a bit of background. her past is pretty bad. her parents, while they did keep her in good health, didn't really care about her much as a person. they tended to be like "we're your parents, do what we say" even in matters like where to eat dinner or what classes to take in high school, so she has always felt like she has to measure up to their expectations. up till recently this didn't do much to our relationship, basically she'd just enjoy our time together and deal with her feelings when she could. i'd let her cry on my shoulder telling me her stories of her feelings of "nobody cares" and then i'd do something sweet for her and she'd feel better... now she is starting to feel like she needs her parent's "approval". her mom called her and asked her to come over and help with something, and she stood up a date with me to go, saying that I am being selfish to expect her to spend time with me when she needs this time with her mom. naturally, her mom treated her like crap and even when she explained her feelings to her mom, all her mom could say apparently was "Sorry you feel that way... hey, can you do this now?" since it's pretty clear she'll likely never get her family's approval, i want to help her realize that she doesn't need it, that she has so many amazing qualities and that me and her friends and even other family members see her true self and all of us admire her, and i am deeply in love with her and actually want to spend my life with her. but lately she has had a hard time accepting this, as this thing with her parents has really started attacking her self-esteem. she will try sooooo hard to get her mom or dad to like her or treat her good but she will blow me off to try and it never works anyway. her standing me up to try to get through to her mom hurt me of course, and i've always been able to talk with her about how i feel. we've had a few times where we've told each other that something we did hurt each other and we've always promised to work together through it and always have. this time, however, she just accused me of being selfish and not understanding her "needs". she's also started to do things like not call quite as often and when i've asked her why, rather than discussing or explaining she just says i'm being selfish and that i need to understand how she feels. i feel like she's not understanding that standing me up hurts and also that i hate seeing her so hurt by her parents and that continuing to try so hard with people who don't care is only going to hurt more and more, and that she needs to instead cherish those who do love and care about her...i wish i could help her understand that i love her to death and everything she feels matters to me, but instead she wastes so much effort on people who couldn't care less about how she feels, while she ignores and hurts me who cares more deeply than anyoneit's worth noting that i myself have had this same problem with my family, not as bad as her, but i've had to accept that there's some things about me that my family will never like, but i am confident enough in my self not to care if my parents don't like it. i figure i offer myself to them as is, and they can choose to like me or hate me, and if they choose to like me that'll be great, but if they choose to hate me, sure it'll hurt but i'm not gonna let it bring me down or affect my other relationships. i just wish my girl could have the same wisdom...anyone have any advice for me and my girl?
View related questions:
her past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (7 August 2012):
In this matter you are both right. For one, because you have always been caring and supportive she expects you to give her the time. Also because you are her boyfriend, when she gets duped by her parents she will lash out at you by saying you are selfish...when she actually means that for her parents. In a manner of speaking she will actually become more and more like her parents if she stays on this route. There may even come a time when you realize that you can not save people who do not want to be saved.
Like I said, both you you are right. You do need to understand that she is not you and she DOES feel compelled to do what her parents ask. Maybe she hopes one day it will change after all she does live under their roof. It's sort of her own battle. I understand that you become hurt when she does those things for her parents over you but it still is important that you make you voice heard. At the same time, when you've made your voice heard, step back a little bit. You don't need to go on and on about the same thing. Simply encourage her and avoid getting her angry.
This is a dark time in the relationship and you need to adapt and become a little stronger. Somethings she will need to realize for herself and some of those things she will maybe realize when she loses it. But this is a double edged sword because she could also not see the NEED for it. For example she may have accept for now, that she needs to do these things for her parents. While you choose to stand for yourself and love your friends. Different, and opposite paths, but they are still paths you both chose for yourselves. You shouldn't frustrate yourself for her decisions yet. Keep at it and hopefully at some point she will realize. But don't expect it to happen over night. You guys are still young.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2012): We want to suggest something but if you love your girlfriend to death like you say you do, you must HONESTLY answer this question we're asking. It is for your own good & for our evaluation because we're not entirely sure about your intentions. The question is this: Do you want her to be your WIFE? PLEASE don't lie. Thankyou.
...............................
|
