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male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: I've had trouble coming to an orgasm with women. I've been sexually active with two girls.. One we just did oral and the other I've had sex with. When the first girl gave me oral I had trouble reaching orgasm and finally after having to take control of her head was able to ejaculate without much of an orgasm. Now that I'm in a commited relationship with the second girl we are having sex. I haven't been able to ejaculate or orgasm. She has given me oral as well and I haven't orgasmed then either. Is there anything I can do to start orgasming and ejaculating? It's hurting our sex life to the point where I don't even look forward to having sex now. I can orgasm if I masturbate but I haven't masturbated in a few weeks. Also I can still get an erection but not usually all the way up. Maybe around 75% hard. Please help
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 November 2013):
 Never ever 'take control' of a girl's head while she's giving you oral unless you have express permission to do so. That is so not okay, you have no idea.
There seems to be an epidemic of young healthy men unable to achieve orgasm unless it's by their own hands, and usually with porn involved. There's a must-read website for men in that situation: http://yourbrainonporn.com
Excerpt from the site:
Many symptoms, one cause:
People arrive here with lots of different symptoms, which they're not always sure are due to their heavy porn use. Confusion is understandable because the symptoms look so different:
Distress about escalation to more extreme porn
Delayed ejaculation
Copulatory impotence (can get it up for porn, but not partners)
Frequent masturbation, little satisfaction
Uncharacteristic, worsening social anxiety or lack of confidence
Growing erectile dysfunction, even with extreme porn.
Morphing porn tastes that don't match sexual orientation (such as HOCD)
Inability to concentrate, extreme restlessness
Depression, anxiety, brain fog
There's good reason to believe these symptoms arise from addiction-related brain changes, as the reward circuit contains structures that influence emotions, moods, cognitive function, stress response, the autonomic nervous system, and the endocrine system. For example, many of the above complaints such as social anxiety, depression, low motivation, ED, and concentration problems, have been linked to low dopamine and low or altered D2 receptors. For the neurobiology of the many benefits ex-porn users experience, see - Porn, Masturbation and Mojo: A Neuroscience Perspective.
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Rebalancing the brain
If this phenomenon is underlying your symptoms, you need to restore the sensitivity of your reward circuit, weaken sensitized addiction pathways, and strengthen executive control. We call this process "rebooting." The best way to reboot is to give your brain a rest from all intense artificial sexual stimulation—including porn, fantasizing about porn, chat rooms, erotic stories, surfing for pictures—until it bounces back to normal responsiveness.
Those addicted to porn often find the rebooting process easier and faster when they drastically reduce or eliminate masturbation. This abstinence from masturbation and orgasm isn't a lifestyle; it's a temporary method for deepening recovery and reducing relapses into porn. Obviously, this process is initially very difficult. The brain can no longer rely on the artificially intense "fix" of dopamine (and other neurochemicals) associated with heavy porn use.
In addition to desensitization, porn use strengthens nerve connections linking the short-term relief of Internet porn with any trigger your brain associates with porn (sensitization). Triggers such as being home alone, sexy images, or stress and anxiety, can activate your brain's porn rut. The only way to weaken these subconscious links is to stop using (reinforcing) that brain pathway, and seek your mood medicine elsewhere. Eliminating porn and porn fantasy leads to "un-wiring" and eventual weakening of sensitized pathways and cravings.
The other half of the rewiring process involves strengthening your executive control, which resides in your frontal cortex (behind your forehead). Assessing risk, making long-range plans, and controlling impulses are under the control of the frontal cortex. The term hypofrontality is often used when describing how addictions weaken and inhibit these self-control circuits. It takes time, and consistency, to return these circuits to full working order.
Remember: Your freedom lies in rebalancing your brain. Then you can choose whether you will activate your porn-arousal pathway or some pathway that yields results you prefer. Needless to say, rebooting doesn't guarantee you can safely use Internet porn in the future. The human brain remains vulnerable to a downward spiral from too much of any intense stimulus, and your brain has a sensitized porn pathway, which can always be reactivated.
Many have stopped using porn and recovered their lives. So can you.
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So no porn and no masturbation, allow your brain to recover and set back to normal.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 November 2013):
 I concur.. a man holds my head while i"m giving oral he stops getting oral...
as for the other issue... yeah you need to totally lay off the masturbation as you have probably gotten use to a firmer hand and rhythm and have to now retrain yourself.
Here's the key... DO NOT have sex to achieve orgasm... rather MAKE LOVE to be close to your partner. The emotional intimacy from sexual activity should overshadow the need/desire for orgasm. It's secondary unless you are trying to conceive a child. That's THE ONLY time an orgasm is NEEDED.
if you stop TRYING to have one (and putting all that pressure on yourself) and rather just try to enjoy the sensations and closeness of your relationship... coupled (pun intended) with NOT masturbating you should be fine with time....
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (11 November 2013):
 All I can say is I'm in a similar position lol only 1 girl out of 12 has ever been able to make me ejaculate which I find baffling.
Only thing I could suggest is maybe trying to direct her a little more, tell her what you like and what feels good for you. I haven't quite managed to sort the problem out for myself, but best of luck.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 November 2013):
All I can say is I'm in a similar position lol only 1 girl out of 12 has ever been able to make me ejaculate which I find baffling.
Only thing I could suggest is maybe trying to direct her a little more, tell her what you like and what feels good for you. I haven't quite managed to sort the problem out for myself, but best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): First of all, NEVER 'take control' of a girls head when she's giving you oral. She should always have control of the depth and speed to go at and taking that from her is not on. Most women will not put up with that type of behaviour.
Secondly, it sounds as though you have trained yourself to get used to the feel of your hand (which can be rough and vigorous) and now a softer touch isn't enough. The only way to fix that is keep laying off the masturbating and it should get better. For what it's worth, you are experiencing what the vast majority of women experience (no orgasm during sex without a lot if effort) so don't worry, you'll live!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): After taking control of her head? Wow. I know what you mean, but the second a man does that to me, I pull it out of my mouth and tell him "don't". He does it again it's over.
As for the problem with orgasming with your girl, maybe you're heavier-handed on yourself than she can be with her hand or her mouth. Maybe you want the girl to be more aggressive or something. Start by having her do a handjob with your hand on top, show her how to do what YOU do and once she gets the hang out it, move on to oral. Try to find that "magic difference". do you usually have porn on when you masturbate? do you stare at jerk mags? whatever it takes, try to replicate that (as long as she's OK with what you are asking of her!)
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