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female
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*ussykat
writes: I am currently involved in an online/long distance relationship. Can you fall in love over the net? Is it expecting too much for me to want him to restrain from chatting to other women, especially ex's or girls who he had a previous interest in?? Flirting, sex talk acceptable?? Is it wrong for me to want to build trust not just give it completely. He calls me childish and says I'm jealous. I see it as respect and building a relationship. Now I am questioning my beliefs, wants and needs. SOOOO lost. HELP!
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male
reader, Sparks +, writes (19 May 2006):
 You have to judge his actions according to the “boundaries” you two have established, and given the peculiarities of “online dating”, I believe these boundaries can only be properly defined if you have talked them through. Don’t expect this or any other guy you meet on the web to follow real relationship rules implicitly.I know things can get really intense even in the Internet, but they need to be clear. You say you are treating this as a real relationship albeit not having met the person in real life, but does he see it the same way? Has the nature of your online contact been discussed over the many conversations you’ve had?In case you haven’t discussed that yet, it’s hard to think of a formal commitment between you two, so don’t expect the guy to stop talking to other girls he knows, especially from his “real” day to day life. In case the answer to this question is affirmative, then this guy is surely mistreating you, since if what you have is an equivalent of a real life relationship, his attention and focus should be on you and you only. I agree with the previous poster that a person’s past is a part of his or her life, so it cannot be simply ignored, whereas on the other hand I do not agree you should keep contact with previous girlfriends or boyfriends if you are willing to move on. It’s actually unfair on the new person. I would never feel comfortable with my girlfriend talking to past boyfriends if she wants to be with me. About the “minor” lies, that’s definitely a red flag. That’s how the major lies start, so keep an eye opened if you think it’s worth going ahead with this, but be prepared for unpleasant surprises. On a side note, personally I don’t like the concept of “online dating”, as I think without face-to-face contact, it is difficult to talk about an actual conjugal relationship. I prefer the idea of “online flirting” or “online contact”. The Internet is an excellent tool to meet new people and possible future girlfriends or boyfriends, but it’s only a first step. In my opinion the real thing starts when you meet in person, and that’s when the so-called usual boundaries should start being observed.
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (4 May 2006):
 Well, exs maybe the past but the past is part of who we are. I keep in touch with several exs but there is nothing more to it than friends and I would be deeply displeased if anybody tried to force me to lose them from my life, and I would say its unfair. On the other hand, yes it is disrespectful to keep you hanging while he is talking to an ex.
I agree that online trust is earned and not given and that, if you are together, then real relationship boundries should exist and he shouldnt be showing himself on cam. He seems to be a bit of a player to be honest. Not all men need loads of women in there life too...
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A
female
reader, pussykat +, writes (4 May 2006):
pussykat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your comments but no one has really answered what I was wanting to know. I already know you CAN fall in love on the net fall, not fell, it can START on line. In a way it forces you to become friends without sex getting in the way. You CAN have a real UNconditional love. IF u are both honest. That's the hard part, finding someone who is honest. But I know enough to take it slow and be careful and what to look for. I have talked to this guy for 4 months on line, on mic, on phone. We spend HOURS a day, everyday. So sorry it's not been a "couple cyberconversations"! I'm looking for opinions on chat, the flirting, I am treating this like a real relationship so I too think REAL relationship boundries should exist. We do have boundries set in place it's that he isn't as willing or isn't completely following them. He has told minor lies and tries to play them off as being funny or MY fault. Should he be looking at or showing himself on cam, I'm not ok with him talking to ex's, they are ex's for a reason so to me, LET THE PAST GO! What about girls he use to have interest in but has not met yet continues to chat with? Doesn't it seem he's keeping them for backup? Tell me how u'd feel if u told someone they were the best part of your day and u looked forward to talking to them and his/her reply was "Get a life". How is it respectful to leave a conversation or hang up on someone or say "what do u want" how is trust built after even MINOR lies have been told. Especially on line Trust is earned, not given. One more thing, we were talking on the phone one night when an ex messaged him, I sat on the phone and waited while he talked to her for a few minutes. Isn't that wrong? Disrespectful? Why do men need so many women in their lives to be happy? Why not concentrate on one great girl and make one great relationship?!?!?!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2006): yes i think you can fall in love over the net
but i also think you have to meet up and see if this person is the one you are in love with. but dont put too many restrictions on them becasuse that is getting too needy!
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (2 May 2006):
 I do not believe you can fall in love over the net any more than you can fall in love at first sight. You may feel a strong attraction/lust/liking for an individual, but until you KNOW them and you have met (love is not JUST about a connection of minds for most people to be honest) I dont think you can LOVE somebody.
I am not disputing that strong bonds or connections can arise or that love cannot START on the internet. I just think it takes more than a few cyberconversations and exchanges of photos to be love.
Sorry if this opinion offends, but this is just MY opinion.
:-)
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (2 May 2006):
I have been involved in numerous net relationships and yes I think its possible to fall in love but you have to realise that until you meet, part of that love is a mental construction. Sometimes when you meet that part of the love you felt is what collapses sadly. There is nothing wrong with wanting to build trust at all:
My view rather depends on what has been said between you, if you have agreed that you are together then, as far as possible to my mind normal relationship rules should apply. Purely chatting is accpetable,sex talk is not. I have to disagree with the other poster; if he sees these people as a source of emotional support then he is entitled to seek that so discussing you with other women can be acceptable.
I do however agree that setting boundries is important. Something that you both feel comfortable with. Here it might be important to remember the art of comrpomise. Hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (2 May 2006):
 Whoops I pressed the wrong button.
Anyway section 2 may be that you will agree to talk on the phone every so often for a month. During that time there will be things you will want to know. Write them down.
Step 3 may be meeting and taking a friend. Then it goes on. Always use your gut instinct because it is there to protect you and is usually right. Dump whenever called for.
Several months after first meeting you might decide he is right for you. Several years after that yu may decide that he could be your husband...you never know! What you can not do is decide that you have the start of a fully fledged relationship having only really communicated on line. It just is not appropriate. Look after yourself and be a lot picky!
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (2 May 2006):
You can't build a relationship on the Internet, you can just get to know hints about another person before deciding to meet. As for laying down rules when you haven't even met, this is far too early. If he is involved in sex-talk I would not touch him with a barge pole. Having friends is another matter. If I had a serious relationship I would expect my partner not to have emotionally intimate relationships with other women because I would want us to rely on each other in moments of need. Plus I would not expect to be discussed with other women, which tends to be what happens. At the moment it is not appropriate for you to make demands like that. What worries me most about your question is that you don't appear to have boundaries in place about what to expect when, what you want and need, what you will accept or not... or anything. If, for example, someone had been as rude to me as he has been to you I would drop them. I think you should write a list of what you want and need from a relationship. Then write a list of what upsets you and you would not accept. Stick to them. Write a list of ideal timing.
Such as:
1. Chat on line - 2 months. During that time I would expect to have found out his attitudes to: Interests: Family background etc. I would like to see his personal qualities demonstrated, such as respectful, honest, family orientated, funny, no hang ups such as drugs, gambling alcohol addiction, smoking, criminality etc.
2.
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (2 May 2006):
 Yes you can fall in love, with the idea, but you need face to face time to confirm love.Many scholars have pointed out that the online environment is reminiscent of the 1800's mail order brides. A man would put a profile of himself in the newspapers of new york, Boston, Maine etc. and interested women would write then visit for up to a month or more. A marriage would not always happen from these exchanges. A courtship often lasted for at least a year, and both families were involved.Take a page out of history, don't commit your heart until you have time in person, weathered a year, and family has been involved. If you have sometime check out a book or two on 1800's mail order brides. If you don't want to read there are a few movies out there like 'Sarah Plain and Tall'. Their stories are similar to the internet dating now.Good luck!
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