A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for about 16 months now. The first 6-8 months were wonderful, but the progression started slowing down after that. Specifically here are the issues we are trying to work on:1) She tells me I don't have much of a relationship with her 10 year old son, I don't want to include him enough, seems like I have no interest in being a part of his life, etc. I haven't intentionally avoided him but admit I could spend more time around him. He has Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and I don't know if that has influenced anything or not. The biological father is not involved because she doesn't think he's a good influence (uses drugs, parties, etc).2) She is concerned because we haven't built enough of a life together yet; ideally she'd like us to share the same friends instead of me having my group, and her having hers. She has met most of my friends including my best friend a few months ago, I have met some of hers. Mind you, I'm the type who has several close friends as opposed to a huge social circle. We agreed I would start including her with my friends more.3) I have met her mom shortly, but she has not met my parents yet. This is 100% my fault, and I mean no malice by it, but for some reason I'm very, very shy about bringing girls around my parents or talking about my dating life. I know it's odd and I can't explain why, maybe I was teased too much about girls as a youngster, but I do want her to meet them soon, especially since I know how upsetting the issue is to her.3.5) She think it's shady I won't exchange facebook/email passwords or let her read through my messages, thinking I must have something to hide. I don't, just value my privacy. Admittingly I've never had a significant other make this request before -- any opinions? 4) Because of the above, she feels I have a complete lack of commitment in the relationship and nothing invested. Well, obviously I'm emotionally invested and care much about her as I am fighting to make this work. We're trying to figure out why the relationship lost steam commitment-wise and what can be done to get back into gear.ABOUT ME: I'm 28-29, only child, almost finished going back to school, moved back home when I was 27 so I could afford to do so, stressed about future job/career prospects, but would like to make this relationship work.
View related questions:
best friend, drugs, facebook, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): Is this you OP and if so have you thought about any of the advice we have given you since last week?http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-am-i-moving-so-slow-in-our.htmlYou know the way I see this now is a little different from last time in the sense that it just looks like a pacing issue. You are going too slow, are still too closed off for her and her opinion is all that matters in that sense but I agree with her.OP that list is a list of her needs, things she needs you to do to show you're really serious about her, what's the big deal about doing them if you are?I can see why she may think you're not really into this because none of those are big things OP, none of them but the fact you refuse to do them makes them a big deal in a negative sense.You're far too closed off for a guy who is supposedly in a serious partnership. You're quite simply not letting her in at all. Keeping your distance from her son, not letting her meet your parents, keeping your social circle as separate as you can and keeping your messages and stuff secret.If you ask me it really does sound like you don't want to let her in because you're not sure you really see her as a long term prospect, otherwise you wouldn't even need to ask us these things would be easy for you and complying with her issues would be a no-brainer.OP if you can't open up and let her in then why are you even with her? If you want to keep her so separate from other parts of your life then why pretend to be her partner? You're kind of treating her like a bit on the side OP. And you make it sound like such a horrific ordeal for you to let her into your life and frankly OP you keep making all these bullshit excuses why you won't.If you can't do these things to prove to her you're really in this with her then let her find a guy who is ready to be with her 100% like she wants. If you're that closed off then find a girl who doesn't mind being that closed off too.As for the passwords thing, no chance in hell. By all means let her read your messages while you're sitting beside her but do not give her full access to them, not only in terms of privacy but in terms of security you never give those passwords to anyone. If I give my fiancée mine to check something or reply to an email when I need her to, then I change them afterwards again. She's smart but who knows where she'd access or whether she hasn't some keylogging virus on her PC.OP, you're either ready to take the next step and let her into your tightly controlled secret world or you're not. But don't waste anymore of her time trying to make this work in a way that you can still play James Bond on the side. I honestly don't get how she lasted this long with a guy who really does act like he's ashamed to be with her, won't show her off to his friends and family won't proudly display this amazing woman like a new car to everyone. No, you seem to want to keep her locked in a little box away from everyone, and that does not look good.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 March 2013):
 Then MAKE it work. Spend time with her kid, throw a party for both her friends and yours, bring her home to mom next Sunday etc. etc. ( I agree with you about your point 3, but it must be because I belong to a pre Facebook generation , other people would agree instead with your gf ). Talk is cheap. If you "would like" to make it work, and what steps need to be taken for that, then take the steps , otherwise it's just words.
I don't think it is terribly important to know " why " you are not committing, in the sense it seems you are getting at,: i.e. that you are a particular type, very shy with your parents , very resereved socially, etc. , i.e. that you have reasons for being a committmentphobe.
Sure you do, and ...? We all have our quirks, our peculiarities, our personal struggles, either we overcome them to become part of an actual committed couple, or we don't and let go of the relationship .
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (13 March 2013):
 Make arrangements immediately for her to meet your parents.
Spend more time with her and her son - they come as a package i'm afraid.
Why is she asking for your passwords? That seems a little odd. You are entitled to have private email conversations with friends.
Your different sets of friends may not particularly get on. It's good to have joint friends but that shouldn't mean you have to drop individual ones if they don't want to only meet you in a big group.
I get the impression overall that your girlfriend is quite controlling and that's not good.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 March 2013):
 Ok to address your points one by one:
1. If I were your girlfriend I would be very upset about this too, if you have been together for 16 months you should actively be involved in the child's life and should want to almost become a father figure to the child. You must have known early on in the relationship that she had a child, so you have deliberately chosen to stay with her and accept her child and all. So that means you need to step up, be a man and get involved in this child's life. If you want to be with her long term then this boy needs to become almost a son to you, if you love her then you have to love everything that comes with her too, and that included her son. So make a HUGE effort to spend more time with him. Do things at the weekends just the 3 of you that he will enjoy - go to the zoo, go-karting, paintballing, go to the park, theme parks even....there are loads of activities that you can do together that you will all enjoy and will help build your bond. Even simple things like spending a bit of time playing computer games with him, or helping out with his homework will help to build the bond between you.
If you dont show any interest in her son then I doubt you will last much longer, it will be very upsetting to your girlfriend that you dont take an interest in her son and she wont want to put up with it much longer. It shows your lack of committment and lack of interest in her life.
2. If you have already agreed to make more of an effort with each other's friends, then it sounds like that should get back on track. Any opportunity where your friends are going out and they are taking their girlfriends/wives, just invite her - simple as that. Have some of your friends and their partners over for dinner, that is a great way to start getting each other more involved with your friends. She can do the same with her friends too, invite them over for dinner with their boyfriends/husbands and you can get to know them more as well.
3. I think there is something pretty seriously wrong if you wont let her meet your parents, and if I were her I'd have left you a long time ago because of this issue + the child issue! After 16 months you should be pretty close to each other's families by now, I mean my boyfriend and I have been together for 17 months and he has been on holiday with my family, and I've spent plenty of time at his parents house sometimes staying for an entire week. You both need to start making more of an effort with each other's families, spending time with them frequently.
3.5 This is her being silly and immature, there is no need to share passwords etc because it shows a massive lack of trust if she needs to be checking up on you. If I were you I wouldnt bring this issue up, because it sounds like your relationship is on fragile ground as it is at the moment. I hope that once you address all the other issues - like spending more time with her son, spending more time with each other's friends and meeting your family, she will feel like you are more committed and her trust issues will fade, so this wont be an issue anymore.
4. You are not showing her you care AT ALL and you are showing no investment towards her whatsoever, she cant see any sign at the moment that you are trying to make this work. The only way you are going to sort this out (and 99% of this is because of YOU) is by showing her every day that you are in fact committed to this relationship and you are trying to change.
First thing you can do is phone your parents and tell them that you would like them to meet your girlfriend, and can you come over this weekend. Make changes and make them FAST, dont plan on letting her meet them in a months time - make it happen SOON.
Next make some plans with her son for a day out somewhere, show her that you want to improve your relationship with him and you are going to make an effort.
And the friends thing is easily solved, just invite them over for dinner or a takeaway, or take her along the next time you go to see them.
I think her trust issues and the facebook password issue will go away if you start to show her that you are in fact committed - at the moment you are hiding her from the people that you care about so she will feel like you are embarrassed by her or not serious about her to allow her to meet the important people in your life. So once she feels like a true part of your life she will find it much easier to trust you and wont feel the need to invade your privacy.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 March 2013):
 1. this is something you could work on. if you're going to be together for the long-haul, then building a relationship with her son is probably something to attempt to do. however, she needs to recognize that this isn't going to be something that happens over-night and it will be extremely difficult considering he has ODD. she needs to be patient with you and let the relationship happen on its own time. it's only been 16 months afterall. may seem like a long time, but when it comes to kids, it's really not.
2. there is absolutely no reason you two need to share the same friends. this makes no sense to me. two people can share a life together, but still have seperate friends they go out with. in fact, it's healthier to have nights out apart with your own friends. i wouldn't suggest sharing the same group of friends. having time apart is crucial to making any lasting relationship work.
3. if meeting your parents is that big of a deal to her, you should suck up your fears and do it. lol. simple as that. easy solution.
3.5. i think it's ridiculous that she made such a request about your facebook/email passwords. you have every right to want/expect your privacy. it doesn't make you shady at all. if anything, it makes her extremely insecure and controlling. once again, two people still need to maintain some sort of identity apart from each other. and wanting your privacy is perfectly normal and vital to any healthy relationship. she's flat out wrong on this one.
4. sounds to me that your girlfriend is rather possessive and controlling. sure, there are some things that you could work on. but so what? big deal. they aren't that big of a deal. nothing to ruin a relationship over and certainly not enough to question someone's commitment over. to me, she sounds rather insecure. i don't think these problems are really YOUR issues, so much as i think they are HERS. she seems to be expecting unreasonable things from this relationship and getting mad when they aren't being fulfilled. as i said, maintaining some sense of self in a relationship is extremely important. and it seems she is not happy until she feels that she has every ounce of you two merged together into one unity. that's not healthy and i wouldn't suggest it. you two are on different pages. she won't seem to be happy until you've sacrificed your whole self to be with her and you're not happy giving up that much. and rightfully so. healthy relationships don't operate the way she's wanting yours to operate. it sounds to me like you both already have a good relationship. don't fix it if it ain't broken.
...............................
|
