A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend going on 18 months. We've had our ups and downs but at the moment the concern is lack of progression in our relationship. She feels that we should be close to moving in together by now, like all her girlfriend friend's relationships whom have been together a similar amount of time are doing.Her big concern is she hasn't met my parents yet. I have nothing to hide, but as ridiculous as this sounds, I've always been uncomfortable to talk about my dating life and girls with my parents and I don't know why. This is obviously a big deal and a must ASAP -- but has anyone ever had that problem?She also feels there is a lack of commitment.. I don't spend long periods of time with her (spend an entire week together, etc). I don't have a lot of stuff at her house. Don't spend enough time with her child, etc. I realize that I'm the one holding us back by not taking these big steps to move the relationship forward. We are curious why I seem to move so slow in relationships compared to other people? A little background on me: I am 29 years old, going back to school, work 30-35 hrs per week additionally, and anm only child.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2013):
 FWIW, I have never even met my mother in law. I'm not even sure she knows her son is married. Meeting parents is not a huge deal as adults....
why are you moving so slowly?
because you don't want to go faster.
because you love her but not enough to commit more. Because she's not the one....
it's hard to explain to someone who's not been there done that...
so examples work well.
My friends got married in September. first time bride and first time groom. ages? bride is 40 groom 52. He got married because she is the love of his life. But before meeting her, there was no one that caught his fancy enough.
I'm old enough and been through enough to believe she's just not your magic one...
my husband... met him and he told me up and down in and out and right and left: I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED. He did not believe in marriage. He thought marriage was stupid.
then he fell in love and so wanted to get married I married him. Because i love him enough to know he needed it.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 March 2013):
 The parents: I don't think any of my boyfriends ever met my father. Not even the man I was engaged to once met him. But I did introduce them to my mother and my brother and my aunt and everyone else, because I was proud of them, in love, and wanted everyone to have a look at the gorgeous man I had brought home. I guess if you are in love, you WANT others to see the person you cherish, you want to flaunt them. Has she been introduced to your friends?
I haven't ever had a need to introduce my boyfriends to my father, and maybe for the same reason you don't have a need/desire to introduce a girlfriend to your parents: few good things would come from it. Maybe your parents aren't minding their business, and you are uncomfortable. Maybe they won't care either way. Whatever your reasons, if you don't have anything to hide, just introduce her. Maybe not for your sake, or for your parents sake, but for her sake. She wants to meet them, naturally, and she's in love with you and wants to meet your family.
Spending time together: She has a child??? And she expects you, after a year and a half, to spend alone time with her child? You need to set up some ground rules here, she's trying to make you a substitute dad, and you're not. The kid already has a father, and if the child needs to spend time with a father-figure then she needs to make contact with the real father, not push the responsibility on you. You're not married, this is not a child you have any obligations to. Not to say you can't spend time with the child, by all means do. But the line needs to be clear on what you do to be nice, and what you are not to do out of obligation. You're not obligated to spend time with the child. In fact, it is better to not connect too strongly with the child until you are more settled in the relationship. 18 months is barely the beginning.
As for spending time with her... You need to talk to her about that. If she's unhappy, she needs to say so. You need to compromise. If you can't spend more time with her/don't feel like it, and she can't spend less time with you, then you've got a serious problem. You might not be compatible. It's not about lacking in commitment, but about different needs and wants. What does she want you to do all week with her? Just live together, do separate things but in the same room? Or does she constantly need to be entertained, always DO stuff, always do things together?
If she wants you and her to live together I believe this "need" to spend tons of time with you comes from not living with you yet. She just wants to get closer, and live together, but if she can't live with you she wants you to hang out with her 24/7 instead... AKA living together. But what do you do when together? Like I asked before, can you sit in the same room/be in the same house, yet do different things?
I don't think you're going slow compared to "others". Compared to her friends, maybe. But not to everyone else on the globe. A lot of people wait with living together until they are married, and they wait several years before they get to the point where they want to marry. Seeing as she has a child already she should be taking things even more slowly, and wait longer before moving forward in a relationship.
My mother was with her boyfriend for 6 years before they moved in together. She had two kids, and no room for a man to live with us either. She had to afford being able to move before it was even possible, although he did stay with us on sleep-overs several times before moving in with us.
We NEVER spent any time with him. Not until they'd been in a relationship for 6-7 years and he started living with us, and then it was just on the rare occasion. I didn't truly start hanging out with him until I moved out. So.. in my book, you're not going slow at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): Why are you moving so "slow"?
First off in my opinion you're not in some ways but holding back in others. You work full time and going back to school, you're quite busy and probably need some "you" time too. I know I need plenty of it.
OP relationships do need progression or they will stagnate, it's as simple as that but I think you're viewing that progression in terms of comparison with others which is completely flawed. Who cares the timing and pacing of the relationships of others? You're always going to be disappointed if you try to emulate what others are doing, so in terms of moving in, forget about it, what others do is irrelevant when you're both ready and it makes sense it will happen.
The parents thing is a little odd though OP. It does kind of seem like you're not fully committed if you're keeping a person away from your friends or parents. 18 months is a long time not to let your partner start to build a relationship with your parents too. They're only immediate family you have and you're denying them and your girlfriend that very important bond, the two most important relationships in your life (partner and parents) are kept completely separate and it seems you don't really have a valid reason for that.
Add to that fact you seem to not want to spend any long term meaningful time with her and I do see a very big lack of commitment to her.
What's even more worrying is that you call things like getting to know her child, spending a weekend with her "big steps". They're not big steps OP, they're just natural parts of a committed relationship and not even nearly a big deal.
I get the feeling you're a commitment-phobe and this is a relationship of convenience for you rather than one you're really into. If you ask me you're just that not into this woman. She's nice to have around, the sex is great etc. but you really don't want to be in anyway serious with her or the things you see as big steps would just be things that would be a normal part of your relationship, things you'd be eager to do.
The only big step there OP is moving in, all the rest are not even nearly big. I met parents as a matter of course the instant I became official with any of girlfriends, some even before then. I loved wasting an entire weekend doing nothing but hanging out with partners, doing inane stuff like shopping or just watching TV, being and acting like a couple for a whole weekend and stuff. That was something I looked forward to and actively encouraged.
OP are you even in love with this woman or are you just comfortable? Because I honestly can't imagine why a person who is in love with another would find spending a whole weekend with their love a "big step" especially at your age. As for the parents, I can understand why you wouldn't introduce them to a woman you're dating, I don't either until it becomes serious but you've been serious 18 months and are intentionally keeping them separate. You don't want them to bond with her because you don't want lose your easy out.
OP you need to do some long hard thinking about whether you really want to be with this woman and whether you're in love with her. It sounds to me like she's just a convenience and I bet if she stopped making an effort with you, you'd be more than happy to let this relationship just die a slow death on its own.
If that's not the case and you do love her dearly, want to be with her and are committed to her then it's time you acted that way. Start forming a relationship with her kid, let the three of you visit your parents as partners so they can get to know her, start spending more quality time with her. Spending weekends there having clothes and a toothbrush at her place is pretty much a dry run for how you'd get on living together.
Most of all though OP she's made it clear she needs progression, without that this is not just stagnating but it's dying. You need to figure out what you want OP, if you don't want progression then you're not serious about her and maybe it's time you let her find a guy who is.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 March 2013):
 Because basically you don't want to ?
People always end up doing what they REALLY want to do, and in your case, you don't even have such big hurdles in front of you.
What's so hard in saying " Mom, dad, I'm thinking to bring Megan over with me for Sunday dinner ". They say " Who's Megan ? " and you say " My girlfriend ".
And if you were looking forward to spending time with her kid, you WOULD, nobody is stopping you. Same as for spending a weekend together, if you were EXCITED at the idea, you'd make it happen, no fuss.
Probably you just feel lukewarm about our poor fictional Meagan, meaning sure, she's good , she's great, she's perfect as low maintenance ,low profile person to "date " - forever , possibly. But to make the transition to a more relationship-y, committed kind of thing, I guess that, no matter how reluctant you are to admit it to yourself, you'd just had to be way more into her than you are.
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