A
female
age
36-40,
*ostwife84
writes:Im lost...I've been married to my husband for over 8 years ( and we have 2 kids tog) and i found out 2 weeks ago from a womans husband that my husband had been sleeping with his wife for the pass 5 months while he was in kuwait..hes home now and wants to stay with me and tells me everyday how sorry he is and he never had feelings for her and he wish he could take it back...My q. is if u truly love someone could u do something like this? Can i ever trust him again? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ShiShisAdvice +, writes (8 January 2011):
 This is a tough one and based on the background information I would say stay. Though I am the type to say move on. Here's why...as a former single lady who didn't think twice about messing with a married man-the she-wolves were at his door honey. See women now how to seduce a man, and it's only because she wanted to "replace" YOU she wanted what you had. The fact that he said I can't believe I did something like that shows he acknowledges that he was side swiped, and I believe him. The female part of me would want answers/details but the experience side of me and reading the best book ever "He's Just Not That Into You" says men never tell all the gory details to a woman. That don't like interrogations, and all relationships end with all of the mysteries of it solved. I just feel you have a good man on your side. Often it takes this kind of slip up to really set them straight. He's a soldier and you just have to believe in his integrity. I do.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 January 2011):
I don't think you can be sleeping with someone and still claim you love your spouse. You may feel comfortable with them, feel an emotional attachment to them because of your history and shared life together, and you may feel fondness or affection for them but that's not the same thing as spousal 'love', in my opinion.
Ask yourself this. If you are cheating on your spouse, and not telling them about it, well then why aren't you telling them? The usual answer is because you don't want to hurt them or you don't want them to get angry and leave you. Therefore you know that cheating is something that will hurt your spouse if they knew. So, why do it in the first place? Why do something that you know will hurt your spouse? The usual answer is because spouse is not meeting your needs. So you're saying that your needs are more important than your spouse's feelings. Is this "love"?
Furthermore your husband stopped his cheating for his job, not for you. That's even more selfish...
I don't think he necessarily loves the other woman, but I don't think he loves you either. He may feel emotionally attached to you, or fond of you, but not love you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): Yes, people can have affairs, lengthy ones, and still love their spouses. I know, I do it all the time. I've had approximately 13 affairs that were more than just a one-night-stand during my 19-year marriage. I don't believe my wife has ever suspected a thing except during one of them but that suspicion went away quickly. Through all of this I've loved my wife and I'm not interested in anything from any of the other women except fun. Sure, sex with another woman is a lot different than going on a fishing trip with the guys, but seriously, that's pretty analogous to my affairs. I go see a woman, we have fun going to a concert or something, we have incredible sex, and then I come home ready for the stability that is my wife.
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A
female
reader, Cheeks +, writes (31 December 2010):
 I think it's unlikely that he didn't develope feelings for her over the course of the 5 months but I do think its possble that he never stopped loving you. She was around when you werent so she filled a missing space for him during that time but now that hes with you again I don't think that he needs her anymore. I think you should try to trust him and believe him when he says he;s sorry. I wouldn't, however, be cool with them ever talking to eachother ever again. I don't think its hopeless, he does apologize daily which is a good thing. I would ask him what he has learned from this. If it has taught him anything about himself and how he will handle being apart the next time? I hope he answers with a sincere, "I'll never do that again because I love you". Good luck. Don't give up if you feel there is hope for forgiveness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): They are lying to themselves, mabey they want more sex from you how often do you guys have "fun"sex together?
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A
female
reader, Lostwife84 +, writes (31 December 2010):
Lostwife84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno he wasn't going to tell me..he only told me when her husband called me and everything came out n the open. he said he didnt want to hurt me by telling me the truth....i dont want to be that wife that has a huband that could do something like this to her but then i dont want to break my kids home...i still love him just not in the same way and i feel so lost and i dont know what to do! i've never done anything wrong to him, i've always been here for him in every way and i dont understand how he could let this happen..i wasnt a bad wife or mother!!!! Can i ever move pass this and know hes not going to do this again? oh and the only reason they stop sleeping with each other is that someone at work found out and they were told he they kept it going that they were both going to get kicked out of the army..he worked very hard for his job for the pass 12 years and didnt want to lose it..its hurts knowing he stop because OF HIS JOB NOT FOR ME!! he tells me he felt like i didnt love him anymore thats how he could do it..they whole time he was gone i was telling him how much i loved him n miss him and i couldn;t wait until he was home with us......i just dont know what to do anymore
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (31 December 2010):
 Well it may not have been out of anything except the apparent thrill of an affair, especially one that involves two married people. In the end, it does not matter how sorry he is, he did what he knew was wrong, he knew what the consequences were but he thought he would never get caught. Usually I would ask what he has done to make up for his actions but at this point, does it really matter? He seems to be lying to you still every time he says "I'm sorry". He had 5 months to tell you that he had strayed and he had 5 months to stop it all from happening but he chose to let you find out from someone else. Can you trust him? No. You cannot trust someone like this, someone who chose to leave you in the dark, probably without the intention of ever telling you.
In essence, it is up to you. Do you feel he deserves a second chance?
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): Take the words of people who give you harsh interpretations of what happened with a grain of salt, and remember that you are getting this feedback from strangers who have their own issues (myself included).
"hes home now and wants to stay with me"
That may be true, but he may not be certain, and in order to determine this you need heavy duty long term counseling with a good marital counselor. Be prepared for a year or more of counseling, understand that you don't know the story yet and it will take months to get.
"tells me everyday how sorry he is"
This is common from wayward spouses who come back, and some of them really mean it.
"he never had feelings for her"
Also usually true, but not always.
"he wish he could take it back"
Also usually true, but not always.
"is if u truly love someone could u do something like this?"
Yes, people who love others can do things like this.
"Can i ever trust him again?"
Yes, but it will take a lot of work.
You need to know the entire story. You need to know the underlying issues, in depth. Both of you need to commit to finding those things and discussing them. I've been there, done that, and it is harder than hell. My wife had the affair, lasting a couple of months in her case, she felt so bad about it for years that she contemplated suicide. When we were in counseling as more came out about what she was dealing with psychologically, which was at the root of the affair and the behavior leading up to the affair, and her history of sex abuse and neglect as a child came out (we'd been married for over 10 years and I didn't know any of this), her mental state got worse, far worse.
If he won't commit to this type of process where you really delve into things, then you won't be able to trust him, he will repeat his behavior, and your marriage will die no matter what you do.
It took my wife several months, of counseling with me, to commit to counseling fully and to open up fully.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (31 December 2010):
 Can u sleep with someone FOR 5 MONTHS and have no feelings for them and still be in love with your wife?
No.
Some people claim that a one night stand can happen by mistake. I don't believe them but it might be true for some. But it was not a one night stand. It was 5 months. December he fucked her from Sinterklaas to Chrismas. November he fucked her in costume on halloween. Oktober as the leaves started to fall, he fucked her. September she fucked him because else it would have gotten old after spending August fucking her.
Get it? That is NOT a mistake. Did he call you up during his stay? So he fucked her, called you told you he loved you and the kids, then went back to fucking her.
Can you do that and truly be in love with someone else? Not in my definition of love.
What is your definition of love? Maybe HIS definition allows it, but it is YOUR choice. What husband do YOU want. If he can't be that husband, then do you want to settle for what he is offering? Some woman accept a mistress because it fits with how they think marriage should be. You can choose differently.
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