A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:right, so I am a bloke with a massive attraction to this girl. she gorgeous and smart and funny and lovely and SINGLE and SHE LIKES ME...well, you know that with those combination then she's gotta have a problem if shes still single, right? right. so her problem is....she does not wanna settle down! she's in her 20s, livin the good life. shed be willing to go out with me, sleep with me, but she wont be exclusive with me. she wants to date other people, have the option to sleep with them as well, etc.i like this girl A LOT, so much so I am considering the option of bein with her even tho shes gonna have the freedom to be with mates on the side. my mates tell me im a fool, they say it will destroy me, but im thinkin maybe if i date her she'll eventually just want me. and also she is so bloody hot that i may not even care who else has her as long as i got some of her!what do you people think ?Should i do it or am i settin myself for a bloody distaster.thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (18 June 2011):
 What you're describing isnt an open relationship..its not even a relationship..its DATING.
She isnt saying she wants to be with you and keep seing other guys, she's saying that she wants to see multiple people and have no commitment, live the free life.
Being in an open relationship is when you have a partner and yet see other people, and there are set rules as to how it happens. e.g. how often, who, what limits in regards to sex and emotions.
From what I am getting from the information you have provided is that is this not what she is after at all. And I cant imagine she would want any imput from you on who shes "allowed" to date and sleep with.
Without limitations and groudrules, open relationships dont work.
What your desribing is definately a "friends with benefits" situation, not an open relationship. Go ahead if you want, but you will never be able to call her your girlfriend. And to be honest you sound like an ass saying "I may not even care who else has her as long as i got some of her!" - She's not a piece of meat..
A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (18 June 2011):
Nobody know you like you do. You already know whether you want an open sexual relationship with her, or whether you want more than that. If you don't want more, and you think you can deal with the emotional complications of it, you could try it and see if it works for you, but there are reasons that this kind of behaviour comes with massive warnings. I have a feeling that you come from option number 2, that you do like her and want a relationship with her, and don't just want her for sex. If that is true, then do it on your terms, not hers. Reject her offer to be in an open relationship and tell her you want more than that. If she doesn't, you will have to accept that and then you have a few options. You can distance yourself from her, or you can try win her heart by hanging out as friends and letting her get to know you in a deeper way, and vice versa.
For some people, dating involves dating different people until they settle on someone they like. For some people, this also involves sleeping with different people until they settle on someone they like. You need to know what you are prepared to do and not do, and communicate it. If you want sexual exclusivity, you can date her and not sleep with her until she has given you sexual exclusivity. For me this would be a pre-requisite for dating someone, but that's just how I roll....
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 June 2011):
 If you have feelings for her, stay clear. You're not initiating a relationship, but a friends with benefits situation. And the ground rule of FWB is that they only work as long as neither part fall for the other. Once feelings are involved, it all collapses and people get hurt.
It's a no go. Unless you just want sex, because this girl isn't offering you much more.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 June 2011):
 If you'd be going into this with the unspoken hope that she'll screw around and after a while she'll choose you , -don't even go there. If that does not happen,( very probable since she clearly said she does not want it to happen ), you'll feel like a failure and not good enough and ill-used even if you have no ground for that.
If you DO succeed- you will be pestering Dear Cupid's Aunts and Uncles for years to come with your reatroactive jealousy :" and do you think they were bigger than me, and that they gave her better orgasms and why she gave oral to them but not to me " etc.etc.
Have mercy on these poor Aunts :)
Also, keep in mind - not a law, but pretty close to, that when a person says " I don't want a relationship " what they really mean is " I don't want a relationship WITH YOU. You ain't got what it takes to be my steady partner ".
If you are sure your feelings are not going to be hurt and your ego not badly bruised, go ahead and enjoy. BUT I wouldn't be that sure if I were you.
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A
female
reader, bellabee0103  +, writes (18 June 2011):
Some of the answers to this question are ridiculous. This girl has made known to you that she wants to DATE. There is nothing wrong with DATING. When you date somebody, it is permissible to to see multiple people...perhaps down the road she'd want to commit to you, but I never understood this social precedent that if two people are together, they have to be monogamous IMMEDIATELY. Stupid! Date the girl! If she doesn't want to commit down the road, then it is your decision to decide if you want to stay with her. If you feel you can keep an open relationship with her without stacking up to many emotional losses, go for it. But otherwise, it is time to find someone that suits your needs better. I don't think this girl is morally compromised or that she has a "twisted" mind...that is completely moronic. She just knows what she wants!
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A
female
reader, zhacha +, writes (18 June 2011):
By engaging in this 'style' of relationship you're ENABLING her to be comfortable with sleeping with multiple partners, you being one of the multiples (which is HER choice). But if it is not something you want to 'distort' YOURSELF into doing, Stop! Your sexual expression WILL ALWAYS BE COMPARED IN THIS CONTEXT! Some find that a challenge, but it's risky on so many levels.Only you can alter this situation from your perspective by getting out. Do you really want to flat line your sexual experience knowing by openly sharing? Some do. But you don't. Sex is just fun for some, something they want to try with different people for the 'sport' of it. This is rarely manageable for long before someone get's caught up. Find someone who DESIRES exclusivity as you do. Problem solved. Best to you.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (17 June 2011):
 HI
I think this girl wants her cake and eat it, and I will say the same to you as what I would say to any women, your worth much more than that. You will always be paranoid that she may fall for someone whilst sleeping with you, never sure if she is using protection, never know who else she is seeing, and if they find out about you may cause friction. I would NOT go down that road. I understand you have deep feelings for this women,but there are other women out there who could quite easilly be perfect for you AND wants no one else BUT YOU. Why would you really want to be in a relationship that is one sided hun? Move on and let this women do her thing and be with someone who is special and worth spending your valuable time on xx
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (17 June 2011):
 It sounds like you might have a bit of a confidence issue if you're wanting a committed relationship, but willing to accept this in its place.
The only way I can see this working is if neither one of you is exclusive. If you also want to date other people, then you'll have a situation that will work for both of you. The fact remains that it will be very hard for you two to get clos ein any kind of open relationship. Also, when one person cares more than the other, the relationship is set up for heartache.
One thing you could try is get close to her through JUST friendship and wait, see if maybe she'll want more of a relationship in the future. The other is move on and find a woman who wants what you want. That's what I think is the best idea. This really has the potential to cause you pain, so tread carefully and don't invest your heart in it.
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (17 June 2011):
Would you really not care if she was sleeping with other guys? Would that not drive you mad? (Also the sexual health risk need to be considered... (no matter how careful you are!) Open relationships can work, but ONLY if both people feel the same (I think you feel more tbh). Your mates know you best ...I would listen to them!I think you may end up getting hurt here (imo) x
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A
female
reader, Ima FreAk! +, writes (17 June 2011):
 Hiyaaaaaa,This is definitely lust... sorry mate it sounds like your a bit lusty of this women.In my opinion your heading down a destructive path! Take a look at this way you know that saying that people say for example your going out with the women and all her exes that she has your sleeping with them too? I'm not sure if I've made myself clear!! loooooolBut I strongly recommend you shouldn't do it because she is gonna hurt you she is gonna go back and forth with you and another man and you don't want sloppy seconds! She is just gonna hurt you! I might not be experience but the female mind is kinda twisted and very complicated so just keeping it simple here she will be confused and she is gonna cry and be upset that everything is sooo confusing and your gonna feel sorry for her and she is gonna do the same thing over and over and over (tell me when to stop!!) over and over and over and over and over... again! You should find someone else because she don't deserve being constantly destroyed. You don't wanna start a relationship in a hurricane when you can start a relationship in a quite nice beach! Your charm and personality will hopefully win another girl!Hope my advice helps!Good luck!Lots of love,Ima FreAk!x
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A
female
reader, synchrohobbit +, writes (17 June 2011):
 This might be a bad idea but it sounds like you have it in your head that if you just start dating her she will decide to be exclusive. This is the same dilemma that has bothered women for all time, so I guess it is good that some men think they can change a person as well. Unless you can let go of the hope for a monogamous relationship, I would back away before you get hurt.
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