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anonymous
writes:Can one child's actions wreck the whole entire family's life , for lifetime? It seems, my son first destroyed my life, than my whole family's life, and now he is wrecking his wife's life, and his young children's life. How one person can be so powerful and negative to destroy and damage a whole family ? I hope Im wrong, but he is really extremely damaging AND EVIL. The biggest problem is, that he seemS to have lots of mental issues, and addiction issues, since his young age, but he never had a formal mental illness diagnose That makes him look like , just a simple sociopath for everyone,. Yet , I don't believe , that the level of self distraction is not coming from some serious mental illness. So my question is, is it possible, to have undiagnosable mental illness, what no psychiatrist can define. Or I'm just trying to look at him in a different light, so I wouldn't have to think, that he is just a bad person. I'm in such a deep emotional state, due to his behavior, now, I'm losing my grandchildren too, after losing his brother, who he took down on the wrong path, and he is dead now,,,. I'm sorry , if I my post is a little confusing, and distracted, but my original question was , if one child, who is my son , but he is a grown man, can destroy a whole entire family, or I must be wrong? Thank you, Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2014): Hello,
Im the OP. Thanks so much for the helpful messages. I will try to answer the questions shortly , and will give an update shortly,.
At the moment I feel very exhausted, with a developing new crises, and just trying to survive day by day.He creates tremendous crises, and pulls everybody in it..
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reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 April 2014):
Dear OP,
I am working with people who have mental illnesses. And sadly, a few of them don't only hurt themselves, they also seriously harm their families and partners. Sometimes I thank whatever deity there may be that I can go home after work without having a father/brother/kid who is that way.
Psychologists may or may not have one or rather more diagnoses to label his behavior, I am sure he would get at least a personality disorder and substance abuse (it's a common error that people think there must be ONE diagnose to explain it all, yet psychologists often have 3 or more diagnoses for people who are severely ill and destructive). If he was never formally diagnosed, that doesn't have to mean there's no psychological problem, but if he doesn't seek treatment, it's difficult to tell. My first and of course unprofessional guess over the internet is that he could be diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, or borderline personality disorder. Maybe you want to look these two up, have a read and see if the description is fitting your son? If yes, maybe there's a support group where you can get help and advise. Also, if he has borderline, there are some good books that may help you understand his behavior and deal with it in a more constructive way.
To answer your question, I don't know if one person can destroy a family. But it's for sure that one person can do extreme harm and cause immense pain to everyone around him - not always on purpose, but simply because some mental illnesses are too much to bear for a person and their environment. I hope that if you, meaning you and also the other family members, stick together, you can limit the amount of damage that is done. Set boundaries, for instance, don't give him money he can use on drugs. See if you have legal options to protect your grand children and those around him. He is a grown up man - and so are you. If you are around a person like him, he can seem like an evil power, a tornado of destruction. But don't give in to this belief. He is only human, not the devil in person. He may make you feel weaker and more helpless than you are.
I am against labeling people as "pure evil", although I've came across one person that I can't label differently.
Most of the time, what seems to be simply evil, is just a wrong decision and a wrong path after another, blind rage, poor judgement, helplessness, weakness, ignorance, delusion. If you think back of your son as a child and try to image how he grew up.. was he always careless of other peoples feelings and lacked empathy? Was he always cruel and mean to everyone? Or did he struggle to find his way - is still struggling - and maybe causing more damage than he wanted, in his despair? Is there a side of you that can still feel love for him, or is hate and fear everything that's left? Does he only have bad qualities, or is there something about him that's good?
If you can understand him, at least partly, it will make it easier to move on, I guess. You don't have to approve of his behavior. But maybe you can sleep better at night if you don't picture your own son as a horrible monster, but as someone who tried and failed painfully in life and who suffers, too. "Pure evil" would mean to be happy and cheerful if others suffer. But he doesn't sound that way. He sounds like a "lost soul" that doesn't necessarily plan and enjoy the consequences of his actions and the chaos he leaves behind. I'd be interested to hear an update from you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2014): I read between the lines. People can be evil without mental-illness. The answer to your real question beneath the one printed; no it is not your fault, nor anyway you could have prevented it. There is no evil-gene that came from either of you, as his birth-parents. Perhaps, mental-illness may have been covered-up; that you know or don't know about.
Yes, there are people who's only mission in life is to destroy. They are bad to the bone, and evil to the core.
They seem to have unbridled power; because the evil they do seems unstoppable. They only go after the weak and unprotected; or they wouldn't seem so invincible.
You blame him for his younger brother's death. Remember one thing. He may have lead him down the wrong path, he had a choice not to follow it. Life is quite ugly for some people. Don't assume guilt or feel powerless to their evil. He is on a path to his own self-destruction.
Unfortunately, there may be a lot of collateral-damage along his path. If you don't know better than to get out his way, yes; he can destroy a whole family in the process.
You sought no counseling for him when he was younger; when you saw signs things weren't quite right. However; therapy doesn't stop people from being evil. It can only reveal if a mental-illness exists; it cannot necessarily control the actions of an adult with free-will. That's what a criminal justice system is for. When he got in trouble, you and his father were probably there to bail him out. There was nothing wrong with that, that's your parental-duty. You can't look back, and now punish yourself for the past.
You tried to protect your reputations as a family, fend off embarrassment, protect him, and you may have been in denial. Dismissing his behavior as, boys will be boys.
Often, that was the case. Criminal behavior? That's another thing. People plead insanity, some say the devil made them do it. Maybe it's all of the above.
The point is to rebuild what they have destroyed. That takes away their power.
When he became addicted, you didn't seek your own therapy or counseling to learn how to understand the destruction caused by addiction; and how to survive it as a family. All your questions come long after the fact. That is proof you were in denial through most of this. You are literally afraid of your own son. The sad part is, you blame yourself as a mother. Feeling you and his father failed somehow, or could have stopped all of this. You are feeling powerless and defeated. I see more guilt than fear in your post.
I also see your anger. You may wish he had never been born. Don't feel guilty for that either. You don't really mean it.
It's just a human-response to the intense pain, and tragedy of it all. You've lost two sons. No one accept someone in your shoes could ever fathom the pain you must feel as a mother. I just couldn't imagine. I however; feel deeply for your family. You especially. Mother's pain goes so deep.
She gives us life.
Stay away from him. If the mother of his children doesn't protect them; then child-protection authorities will take the children from the both of them. This may be your opportunity to step-in to save them.
If you see abuse, then intervene. You have sat-back and watched the fire rage out of control. How much have you done to protect yourselves? You don't stand in-front of a oncoming speeding train. You get out of it's way. You didn't call the police when he threw tantrums in your home, you tried to make sense of his behavior. You covered up for him, lied for him, and you beat yourself up. You love him just the same.
Like so many parents, you take blame. So it's not him, somehow it's your fault. He got away with stuff; because of this thinking. You just rushed to fix it, clean up the damage. Now he's a monster. You had no clue what to do, then. You could have sought advice from many sources.
Either pride or hopelessness held you back from doing so.
Seek therapy to cope. Both you, his father, and anyone in the family who have laid victim. That's how you get through it. It's never too late to help yourselves.
Through your spirituality, you go to your place of worship for fellowship and spiritual-counseling, to seek hope and comfort. Not feel helpless to his evil. You are not helpless. Help is available in many different forms.
Starting here.
Stop crying. Stop punishing yourself for the loss of your children. Maybe there were some things you did wrong, but parents are human. We have human weaknesses and make mistakes, we try but we cannot control fate, or the destiny of a child. You can be the perfect parent, but that will not guarantee the child will be perfect. He or she may be evil. They choose whatever path they want; mental-illness is not always to blame. That's why we have police, judges, juries, and prisons.
Some evils are purely psychological; they are harder to stop. They can't always be prosecuted for the damage they've caused. It can't be proven. That's when you see them coming your way, you must put up roadblocks. You have to know how to defend yourself and protect those who are vulnerable. Standing around scratching your head trying to figure out what to do after a storm hits; means you failed to prepare and shelter yourself against such things.
Seek legal protection where necessary. Report any harm to his children, or his wife, to the proper authorities. Seek family-counseling and therapy for everyone. Pray for him and yourselves. He is human, in spite of his monstrous ways. He is vulnerable, and he can be stopped. His damage is deliberate and premeditated. That is why it is so widespread. So get help to deal with your grief. As parents, you probably feel both your sons are dead.
I pray, you will find comfort; and perhaps he will atone for his destruction at some point in his life. That doesn't mean you can't live safe and happy as a family. That comes from your own determination and strength. This is more than enough reason to pull together to stand-up in the face of his evil. Circle the wagons.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 April 2014):
 If he went to treatment with a psychologist I am confident he did not speak the truth, and did not let the psychologist see him for who he truly is.
That is why he did not get a diagnosis.
But what is a diagnosis, anyway? You know he is not normal. Everyone else knows it too. He destroys lives. Having a diagnosis does not excuse him, does not explain much either. You can diagnose him yourself, if it makes you feel at ease. It could make it easier to explain to others, maybe. I would call him a narcissist, just from the little you've written about him.
Maybe it will help you to write more about him, write down the things he's done. Talking helps too, so if you can I would advise you to seek therapy for your own sake. By talking to a therapist you will be able to find the words for your feelings, how to express your feelings, and how to cope with this dark energy in your life that is your son.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (6 April 2014):
Sadly, it is possible for someone to have an undiagnosed mental illness that can cause this kind of behavior. In fact, the term 'sociopath' is no longer really used by psychiatrists, because it generalises various mental illnesses too easily. It's very easy to look at someone and just label them a sociopath and then avoid trying to find out what the real problem is.
Clearly no one can diagnose what he has, if he does have something (which he probably does), but I don't think there is anyone who is just 'bad' or 'evil'. There is always a cause somewhere, but it has to be found. And if your grown son won't find it, then chances of knowing exactly what is is are small.
I think the best thing you can do is try to find some kind of counselling for yourself. You sound like you have so much in your heart that you need to talk about with someone, and also I think if you speak to a counselor, they may be able to talk to you about your son's behavior as well.
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