A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been going through a rough patch lately. I think we need to see a therapist, counselor, or psychologist. I am not sure if the rules regarding confidentiality are different for each, but I am wondering if what I say will ultimately get back to my wife. For example, what if I tell the therapist that I have not been faithful? Will he spill that to my wife? I would like to be honest so that he has the facts, but not if he will not respect my confidentiality. Having to tell half-truths to avoid certain things getting back to her seems counterproductive, but I have to be able to trust the therapist. I know lawyers and doctors are bound by client-patient priviledge, but in this case we would both be clients. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 September 2013):
 If you have to ask the question then it means you don't trust the person to begin with. If he/she did tell the "secret" and your wife found out. What would happen? Pretend that the secret would be told and go from there.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 September 2013):
 when going to marriage counseling you go together and part of fixing things is coming clean with all secrets and such.
marriage counseling is not you go to one session, she goes to another and then the counselor tells you how to fix it.
What marriage counseling is about it mostly to find better ways to communicate and work together as a couple.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 September 2013):
 What's the point of going to a marriage counselor if you aren't going to tell the truth to your wife? Are you going through a rough patch because you are cheating on her? Or vice versa?
Just contact a marriage counselor and ask what their policy on that is.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 September 2013):
 You should ask your therapist about this so you are sure everyone has agreed to the same thing. But I'd think they wouldn't tell your "secrets" without your consent. The therapist isn't there to gossip, or drive a wedge between you. The therapist is there to help you work through your marriage. Spilling secrets that will just cause harm is quite the opposite of what a therapist's job is.
But just discuss the matter first.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (8 September 2013):
 Usually in marriage counselling the couple are counselled together but sometimes the therapist may feel that both partners need some individual guidance.
In these circumstances a "no secrets" policy is usually agreed by all parties involved,in one of the group sessions, before commencing individual therapy.
Basically, using your example of infidelity, on an individual basis your counsellor will help you unravel the emotions and issues surrounding your affair and help you understand it. This then must be brought to the group session where the counsellor will help you vocalise the admission to your wife and then help you both (and your wife individually) process that information.
In my opinion, there is absolutely no point at all in having marriage guidance if you are going to keep secrets from your wife and counsellor. These secrets are partly to blame, no doubt, for the state of the marriage.
Your wife may have secrets too but unless you both confront them, head on, and be frank and truthful then how can you possibly heal this marriage?
If you have guilt issues or "baggage" that you need help with and do not wish to share it then you should seek your own private counsellor.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
male
reader, JSBach +, writes (8 September 2013):
Obviously your counsellor should maintain confidentiality. When I went to marriage counselling, the counsellor never told me anything confidential that my wife had told her. Of course, it is possible that there was nothing of interest to tell.
In your position the best thing would be to ask the individual therapist/counsellor about their confidentiality policy. Then you've got to decide whether or not you trust them. But if you've decided to open up to a third party, you know that you've got to have faith in them.
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