A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have lived with my husband for six years. I believe that I have always relied on men in the past and have had several abusive relationships.I suffer from deep seated fears/phobias from my childhood and agoraphobia (mild now). My husband has clinical depression and is a recovering alcoholic.I think we have a somewhat co-dependent relationship which I have been trying to break free of. If I leave him, I worry he will fall apart. He had a breakdown after his father’s death just over a year ago and has been very difficult to live with; negative, refusing to help himself, verbally aggressive.I consider myself to be very mentally strong, I have overcome a lot to be just here today and I have never given up hope. I have tried to join groups and have hobbies to not be so isolated (though this hasn’t worked, people where I live are very cliquey, and I have tried everything from netball to amateur dramatics) I have tried to get a job that takes me away from home (not worked yet!) as I am a qualified teacher and writer and to keep positive. I am very resourceful but am running out of ideas.I don’t love my husband; I am fond of him and have terribly trapped and unhappy for years now. He can be emotionally controlling and dependent, though I would not consider him abusive; his problems are borne out of his own difficulties. I try to support him as best I can.He knew I wanted to leave him and has been trying to change (I had a friend that I was going to stay with but let me down at the last minute) so it is getting even harder now.He thinks I am staying because I want to, but I am staying because I can’t find anywhere else yet to rent (despite trying all the time, and looking at sharing too, but nothing about) and am terrified to be alone.What I really want to ask is this: can a woman leave her husband when she has very few friends she can rely on (if any), no family at all, suffers from anxiety and agoraphobia?I have tried so hard to do this, tried to get a support network, read ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ but I keep wondering, is this really possible or am I trapped forever? Most people have at least someone they can turn to, I have no one and suffer from monophobia and anxiety!My only support network is my husband! Please help.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 August 2013):
 Sometimes you have to actually 'escape' in order to know what strengths you have. Your fears about loneliness and being unsupported are keeping you in a very very unhappy situation.
That book 'face the fear' is exactly about doing that. Accepting that you have massive fears but allow yourself to just let go!...and then when you do, you will be amazed at how soon you will find yourself.
As you are making mental plans to leave, I am assuming that, financially, you will be able to support yourself?...this is the basis for a good start. You don't actually need to have a support network to allow you to leave...that will come in time AFTER you have left, and it may come from some surprising sources!
I have known people (including myself) who left very long standing relationships with little or no support and they did fine (not perfect...but they are happy). You may find that a lot of your anxieties are eased when your situation changes...and it's a new path...and you can survive it.
Right now you are stuck in a rut, only you can get yourself out of it...or stay and accept what you have.
I hope you find some peace.
A
female
reader, MsSadie  +, writes (9 August 2013):
 You can create a support network by branching out to support groups that center around your situation and experiences.
Also, have you ever talked to a therapist? I think you should try that so that you may learn to be less dependent on others for support. It'll be great when you make new friends, but my concern is that you'll just cling to them in place of clinging to your husband.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 August 2013):
 yes dear you can leave... you can create a support network and find places to go.
are there any local women's shelters you can contact? if so do so and find out what support is out there for you.
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A
female
reader, malvern + ♥, writes (9 August 2013):
 Don't stay in a relationship where you are not happy or it will eat away at you forever. You clearly have deep feelings for your husband but you cannot live his life for him. When you can find somewhere I think you should move out. Being on your own isn't as bad as you think and nowadays there are many singles social organisations where you can meet like minded people for a variety of activities. I don't know where you live but in Lancashire and now Yorkshire there's a huge singles organisation that has transformed the lives of many single people. Most of them have gone through a bad time, divorce, widowed etc. but as the months pass by they begin to open out. I hope you can try to overcome your agrophobia and contact such an organisation one day.
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A
female
reader, StephJayne +, writes (9 August 2013):
 Answering the question that you want answered; yes, of course you can.
While I was studying in college, I met a woman there who had been married for a few years and had 2 children. However, she'd had enough and simply one day while he was at work, she packed her and her children's bag and left. She didn't have any family or friends locally, and simply began a new life without him. She managed absolutely fine, even with children.
All I can suggest is perhaps talking to your husband. Explaining how you feel so that he can understand.
I know it's not the best advise. I really hope everything works out
SJ
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