New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login241275 questions, 1067054 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

Can I learn to be a sexual 'sub'? The man I love is ending our relationship because he doesn't think so!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 March 2016) 7 Answers - (Newest, 14 March 2016)
A female New Zealand age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend just ended our relationship and I am devastated. He really was my best friend and in my whole life I have never met anyone on my wavelength like that. The reason, he said, he ended it is that he is into bdsm in a big way and is dominant. This is all new to me but I do enjoy being submissive and have been very open to experimenting with all kinds of things with him - I had enjoyed that. He says that I am not a natural sub and that I am only doing it to please him. He says sexual dominance is not a game for him, it's an identity and one that he simply has to have in his life for him to feel happy. I feel confused. We are so perfect for each other and I think I could be into sexual submission with practice, even in the past when I voiced concerned he said that he felt certain this would be something I could learn to love.

He tells me there is no one else, that he is highly attracted to me and that I feels he could love me, but the fact that I am not a 'natural' sub will ruin our relationship. He wants a family soon and so do I. He is my best friend and I am extremely attracted to him.

I feel confused. He says sexual dominance or submission is like being born gay or straight, it's not something you can become. I love him and I don't want to lose him, and the idea of the sexual experimentation excites me - so what is his problem?

View related questions: best friend

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (14 March 2016):

Danielepew agony auntHe found someone else.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (13 March 2016):

chigirl agony aunt... The very identification of a sub is someone who is willing to anything to please the other. So how can he be talking about you not being a natural "sub" because you do it only to please him??!?! That is what submissives are supposed to do!!!

He's been watching too much porn, or is looking for an excuse to end the relationship. Trust me, you sound like the perfect sub, so that's not what's really the problem here.

Im a dominant by nature, when talking about dom/subs. When you know how to play your part, you can get anyone to be your submissive, and I never once found someone to be a problem apart for other apparent dominant ones. But in those cases I wouldn't even try to make them submissive and just enjoy the ride instead. To get my point clear: HE IS NOT A NATURALLY DOMINANT if he could state such a thing as you not being naturally submissive and that being a problem.

More likely, what he wanted what someone who was more into the genre than you, despite you being submissive. He wanted someone else, but being too afraid to say this, he chose an excuse.

I say, give him some time to clear his thoughts. Once he realizes he was wrong, and that submissives aren't a set type of person, and that no one in real life is ever going to live up to his fantasy, then he will come back.

If he does not come back, then trust me, you were not to blame for not being submissive enough. I mean, all you have to do to get someone into a submissive state is to blindfold them, tie their hands/give orders and do whatever you please. As long as they obey then that's all you need! And sounds like you did. So I don't get it, and I don't think that's the true reason why he is leaving.

<-- Rate this answer


A female reader, LALAPOOLY United States +, writes (12 March 2016):

LALAPOOLY agony auntDear You...

Count your blessings...that BOYFRIEND who wants you to be submissive is simply a SICK person in disguise...He thinks he is just sexual deviant... trust me he is not.

He is a danger to himself and to you...He has given you the gift of LETTING YOU GO...Do not waste one minute missing his sorry ass...

Get away and put your running shoes on...Grieve and call a soon as possible for it sounds like you really will go through hell trying to justify how great he is in all other ways... Trust me I am a may see all kinds of wonderful things about him... but there is deep rooted crap you do not want to see and you will if you allow him back into your life... Please love yourself and take this moment to realize... this is a learning moment...make the shift and love yourself...Good Luck - have a wonderful cry... look back on the relationship with a therapist and you will learn the truth Blessings....

<-- Rate this answer


A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 March 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Janniepeg and YouWish

The DUDE is full of himself and full of crap.

Being into Sub/Dom/BDSM is NOT a sexual orientation. It's a SEXUAL fetish, where power play and trust is the focus. I also agree that YOUR guy waited till he got you emotionally hooked to drop this "I can't date you unless you become my sex toy and give up your independence and equality".

He wants a slave. Not an equal partner. And he DEFINITELY tossed in the "I want kids soon as an extra manipulation bonus" and you.... are falling for it hook line and sinker. Because that is what you want.

For me when a GUY wants total submission it's because he is actually a weak person. A STRONG guy can take as good as he gets. A STRONG (emotionally, physically, financially, etc.) guy will want an EQUAL partner. While a Dom DOES take the lead in sexual situations, it doesn't HAVE to spill out in the personal life.

What he is offering you, in not love, not caring, nor compassion. He is offering degradation and abuse 24/7.

Being a Sub is NOT about degradation. It's about trust to the max. A Sub HAS to trust the partner 110%. And a Sub has to be willing. You are not wanting to do this for YOU - you want to do it to KEEP a man.

Your man has been reading "50 Shades of Shit", no doubt, and think he is some Christian Grey reincarnation. It's such a shame people actually THINK that book is about BDSM because it's not. It's about abuse and degradation with some sex tossed in there.

IF he wants a "true Sub" he would have made THAT a priority in his partner. He didn't. He thought YOU would be EASY enough to manipulate into thinking what HE wants should be all you care about.

Sorry, OP I'd chalk this one up to a miss. And let him go find someone who wants to play his misguided games.

He is NOT a Dom, he is an abuser looking for a "willing" victim. HUGE difference.

If you think trying new thing sexual, HE is not the one to help you. Because he isn't ABOUT the pleasures he is only about the dominance and THAT is not what BDSM is only about.

I'd say you are BOTH better off finding someone more suitable. YOU can easily find a guy who is willing to try a few kinks... He on the other hand? Who cares....

<-- Rate this answer


A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (11 March 2016):

YouWish agony auntI'm with Jannie on this one, and I don't care how politically correct that sounds. The guy you're with is an idiot, and his fetish (and it *is* a fetish) has now started to interfere with his life. This shows an imbalance, and it's unhealthy.

He's wanting a "sub" in every area of his life, not just roleplay or in a sexual situation. He's having a problem with you as his equal in the relationship. He doesn't want someone who plays the role of a sub in bed. He wants it in every aspect, and that's dangerous and really unhealthy for you. Basically, he wants a slave, cowed to his dominance in every area. You wear what he wants you to, eat what he wants you to, have sex the way HE wants you to, he owns your sexuality, you can't have an orgasm or SHOW that you want one or love one in any way, shape, or form. I have known people into BDSM, and most of them keep it apart from the rest of their lives, raising children, working at a job, having community expectations and so on.

For this guy to tell you what he's told you is not about an "identity". It's not an identity to want to force others how to be and act. Even in the most intense of BDSM (and I'm talking scalding, hot wax, burning, clamping, REAL flogging, not play-flogging stuff that would burn your eyes out of their sockets if you're not into it), there are rules, safe words, and consent every step of the way. This guy wants someone who is powerless, and when I mean powerless, I mean she doesn't get to consent or stop anything. His dominance is in taking away HER ability to have any say in anything. Literally, a woman who has reduced herself to a sex doll.

He is doing you a favor by ending it with you, because it's one thing to experiment, to play, to *feel* submissive. It's another to *be* one without the safeguards built for you in order to have 100% consent. This means that during experimentation, if he wanted to do something to you that you find scary, or painful, or uncomfortable, or degrading, what he wants is someone who will NEVER say no because he doesn't want to ask permission in the first place, only to make inviolable and absolute commands. This is *not* a sexual identity.

I am not saying that this guy is a rapist or criminal. He is wanting someone who is "broken", and that's the only word I can come up with for what he wants. He knows you're not broken, and it would be a really sad day for you to want someone so much that you would try to break yourself for him to the level that he is demanding. Don't do it. Leave him.

How can a family be had in a situation where he wants submission in every area beyond the absolute trust of consent in a bedroom? What happens if your infant is crying and you and he are dom/sub in the bedroom and he demands that you neglect the child for him? A healthy bdsm *has* those safeguards. What he is demanding as his "identity" doesn't.

I don't have a problem with BDSM. Like I said, I've known people who were really heavily into it. One of my customers was a business owner of erotica, including some serious hardcore BDSM stuff, so much so that there were actual protests of their establishment from the people they deemed were "too vanilla to handle it". I asked a lot of questions and spent a few hours here and there just getting to know the people in it, and there definitely *is* a line too many into BDSM cross or want to cross. The vast majority of them would WANT to guide you into it, and they have it as a healthy part of what turns them on. It's true, with most of them, "vanilla" sex no longer does it for them. But they don't demand it in every area like your guy is doing.

This is the time where you get out of this, mourn the loss, and move on. You can't change yourself for him, and you MUST not break yourself or allow yourself to be broken to try to be what he wants you to be. And if and when you leave and he comes back telling you he made a big mistake (which he very well might!) you need to stand your ground for who you are, because YOU have an identity that is every much as important as his is.

<-- Rate this answer


A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (11 March 2016):

janniepeg agony auntI disagree that bdsm is a sexual orientation. If that was true, he would not have been attracted to you in the first place. People don't wait until the relationship is established then say you are not the one. If he knew all the time that he's a dom, then he would have made it known that he's looking for a sub. Then when you were dating he would determine whether you are a sub, not after you became connected to a level that makes it devastating to break up.

Our personalities are a mixture of nature and nurture. We don't just born into liking being chained, or having to call "master."

If he's moved on, then it's his loss. If you go back and forth with contact and questioning his decision, it could mean he's enjoying seeing your desperate plight. It could be his intention to make this an on and off thing so he gets the narcissistic supply that you keep on winning him over. That's not bdsm, that's just emotional torture. As he said that it's something you can learn, then he already contradicted himself. Just like a 100% lesbian cannot learn how to be attracted to men. I think he's full of himself and feels he can be picky.

<-- Rate this answer


A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (11 March 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntOkay so maybe the idea does excite you, but as he thinks it just doesn't come natural to you and he probably doesn't want to change you in to something that you are not. I can't say if he loves you or not, but it does not sound like he is willing to compromise with you at all.

Sweetie am sorry but it sounds to me like he wants someone who is already in to this lifestyle. Talk to him yes and tell him how you are feeling but something tells me he has already made up his mind and you need to accept that and move forward.

<-- Rate this answer


Add your answer to the question "Can I learn to be a sexual 'sub'? The man I love is ending our relationship because he doesn't think so!"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft