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female
,
anonymous
writes: Very longwinded, so sit tight.I am a 14 year old girl.I have always ran with an older crowd, most friends being 17+, no reason behind it just for some reason the people I meet and get along with are a few more years than I am.So here is my predicament, I have a good friend (male) who is 21. We have been attracted to eachother since shortly after we met, I can feel it the second he walks in the room.Normally I would consider a seven year age gap (at our ages) monumental, but in context it doesn't look so bad. For the first two weeks or so after he met me, he believed me to be 18+ because A. I look much older than I am (most people think I am older than my 17 yr old sister), B. I was with a gf of mine who is 21 who he has known for years.On one occasion (this was about a month ago)after having spent the day together, just messing around, and going grocery shopping of all things, he and I were riding in the backseat of my sisters car, just on a drive, and he reached down and grabbed my hand.After awhile he bent down and kissed me, and it was one of those things that just felt right.Since then he and I talk pretty much everyday, text message sometimes all night, and he visits me at work whenever possible (not in like a creepy fasion or anything.)Until Sun. (2 days ago) I thought things weren't going to progress, we were just buddies as always, and I was fine with that, the age difference is large, all for the best etc.Sunday he drove out here to see me, and we just went for a walk, and sat on the side of this hill and just chatted. We were sitting there together, holding hand and then there was lots of very mutual kissing.All my friends (or the handful I have told) automatically go "Whoah, seven years? That is all bad." But then after a pregnant pause "You guys would be cute."Basically I just want an outsiders opinion, although I have shared exclusively my very biased one.I am not claiming to be in love, and I am not saying that age is just a number. If I were I wouldn't be asking for advice.I may not act accordingly, but I really want some input.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, David Lewis  +, writes (10 August 2006):
 I hope all goes well for you.
Best of luck
x
A
female
reader, ChrissyA +, writes (9 August 2006):
 I must say thank you to the last poster.
I posted the question, by the way.
You have set me at ease.
Thank you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006): Yes it can work. Sorry to go against all these people. A relationship is about love, respect, honesty and all that other grown up shit. If he is willing to respect that you are only 14 and abstain from sex than go for it. Sex is only a small portion of a relationship. Ill explain this like im someones mother. Of course im a 21 year old guy, so anyone that says all guys want is sex is wrong.
A relationship is like a house. Honesty is the foundation of the house. Trust is the walls of the house. Sex is everything inside the house like tv's, beds, furniture. You can have a house without everything inside. But you cannot have a house if the walls and foundation are missing.
So pretty much if he will wait on you to come of age to have sex you should date him. Age is just a number. But it is still a number that can get him thrown in jail. You should also respect his sacrifice to date you and not tease.
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A
female
reader, kat14 +, writes (6 August 2006):
 if you both like eachother go for it just make sure he isnt just after sex make sure things are clear. gd luck
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A
female
reader, bonym +, writes (2 August 2006):
 to the anonymous reader below:
Your bloke should be arrested for rape, he had sex with you aged 13 and he is 23. He is a rapist according to the law and you my dear, how can you possibly think it is acceptable to lose your chastisity the first day you meet a guy. My dear think long and hard about your actions, you are way too young for sex with a GROWN MAN xXx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2006): well i met this fit lad and i lost my virginity on the same day. im 14 dis year and this gorgeus lad is ...23. but i really didn't want to end it. but then my cousin who i trust with my life told me to wake up. Becaus e it could ruin his life if anyone finds out and he gets put down as a pedofile and he will never be able 2 get a job and it will go down on record that he raped u even if u said yes. about 5 mins ago i phoned him and ended it. :(
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A
female
reader, kirstylouise +, writes (2 August 2006):
Hi, like everyone elses responce I have to agree that you seem to be a very mature 14 year old, however at such a young age its very hard to have the emotional maturity to get involved in a pysical relationship with a man who is so much older. Has this man gestured towards starting a physical relationship with you? I know it can be very difficult for you to hear but the truth of the matter is that if the two of you form a physical relationship it will be classed as secondary rape! Do you really want him to be labelled as being that - after all mud sticks!? Im intregued to know how your friends feel? Do they think this is something you should persue? I hope you come to a dicision which you are happy with both now and in the future - if there is any doubt what so ever about taking the relationship furthur please donot - in this case its better to regret not doing somethng than doing it! Take care xXx
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A
male
reader, David Lewis +, writes (2 August 2006):
Yes, it can work.
BUT, not while you are 14.
Stay friends with the guy until you are 16 and if he feels the same, he will respect that.
There is a fine line here and one that should not be crossed.
I was 28 and got talking to a girl who was 15, she is almost 17 now and I am now 29.
We got engaged when she was 16 and are just as good friends now as we were when we met.
We are totally committed to each other and I have never been so happy in my life.
These things can work, but will never be easy.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (2 August 2006):
 Just to preface my opinion: anyone who writes to you saying "oh, but age IS just a number" will be a very young woman with an older boyfriend that she's had for a "whole three weeks" and she's "totally in love with, like, forever".
In other words, I'm strongly of the opinion that age DOES matter. And I come by this opinion honestly, since I was married, virtually straight out of high school, to my 8-years-older boyfriend.
Here are some of the problems I faced. (Not saying you necessarily will, but worth considering.)
* No music, fashion, entertainment interests in common.
* For five years, unable to even have a drink with him. We had to date in "family" environments.
* His older friends were starting to settle down with families and mortgages before I was even old enough to get into a pub.
* Saddled with a home loan and two car payments at 18, because he was "getting settled".
* He was always the "senior partner" of the relationship, with the credit history, the purchasing power, the better job, more money. I was forever playing financial catch-up.
* I never got a chance to date guys my own age and find out if they were any better or worse.
* Sex happened well before I was emotionally ready for it, simply because I didn't want to "let him down".
* I grew up into a different person at 21 than I was at 16, the source of an infinite number of fights later on.
* My folks hated his cradle-snatching ways, and his folks thought I'd slip up and get pregnant, so never trusted me.
I could go on and on, but you get the drift, I'm sure.
I can tell by your letter that you're unusually mature for 14, but the fact remains that there are some experiences you have to have lived through to understand thoroughly. Being smart, on its own, just don't cut it. Sadly, until you've been around long enough to start to get jaundiced and cynical, people will try to take advantage of your relative innocence.
I think you need to tread very carefully here. Be sure he knows your true age, and ask him what that means to him. Be very sure that he understands that in most countries, to have sex with you means he'll not only be regarded as a criminal, but will appear on the child-sex offenders' register for years to come, possibly for life. Is he ready for that sacrifice until you're 16?
Then, if he's sure that he can get along for the next couple of years, look at whether you have much in common, other than a physical attraction to each other. Do you have similar interests in politics, hobbies you share, a joint fascination with... something? Because, like it or not, the law regards you as a child for some time to come, and the two of you will have to ensure that your dates are pretty squeaky-clean.
I'd like to just tell you that it doesn't matter, and "go follow your heart" and all those other blithe cliches, but this is a serious age difference. This man was an adult when you were still in primary school. Remember that it's a HUGE age gap at this time in your life.
My best advice would be to remain friends, recognise that an attraction exists, and choose to do nothing about it. If you have a real connection that transcends merely the forbidden fruit of your youth and the cachet of having an older boyfriend, then it'll still be there in a few years, and you can act on it then.
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A
female
reader, bonym +, writes (2 August 2006):
The seven year age gap is a big issue in your case bacause you are under age and you are a CHILD. He is a man. It cannot work if you are so young. If you were 20 and he was 27 for example, you can see that the 7 years dont even pose as a problem but while you are 14, it is illegal for you to become partners. Wait until you are at least 18 before you start dating much older men. ,xXx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2006): You never mentioned in here whether or not this man yet knows that you are only 14. If he doesn't, you need to tell him. He needs to be aware that you are what would be referred to as "jail bait." Intercourse with him is completely illegal, and he should be aware of that if that's somewhere you might go with him. As for the whole age difference thing, I have two opinions on the matter. When I was 17 years old, I was dating a 21 year old man, and everyone in my family was very against it. Plus, there is the major downside of not being able to get into places where he goes to hang out and have fun. On the other hand, my friend is 19 years old and her boyfriend of about three years is 30 years old. They have been together for quite some time and don't appear to be headed to splitsville. Overall, I guess I'd say that age is just a number, although this guy might be really put off when you reveal your true age to him, so be careful. I think it's all really about the mindset of a person. If you have the mindset of someone four years older, and he has the mindset of someone four years younger, then perfect! Just be really careful, because although some may be on your side, society and the law are not. I wish you the best of luck with this and I hope everything works out okay! Stay smart!
~RJGirl
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A
female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (2 August 2006):
 You do appear to be an extremely level-headed, intelligent and sensible young lady. BUT - and it is a BIG but!! - You could get him arrested!! I am not concerned, however, about the actual age gap, if it were not for that I would say go ahead and be happy, as long as you can be sure that it will remain platonic until you are of legal age, why not? But one thing can so easily lead to another, and if you are not ready with the birth control and protection from STD's and STI's you could seriously hamper your options of conducting a happy healthy life!! You know what I'm saying?.. I hope my comments are of use to you..Please don't hesitate if you need any more info or advice, feel free to e-mail me in private..Take care of yourself!
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