A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am gay and have a boyfriend and he thinks a gay man in a relationship shouldn't have gay friends. To me that shouts insecurity but from his perspective it is a genuine moral standard.Neither of us had gay friends so it never even came up. I then made a few and he got all uneasy so I sort of let the friendships go (I don't think I should have but I did). Anyway one of them has sent me an invite on Facebook to his birthday this weekend. I would love to go but I know my boyfriend won't go and won't want me to.I feel like saying look it isn't inappropriate for me to have gay friends and I am going with or without you. Is that cold/mean/uncaring?I really don't know what to do.I struggle with the gay friends thing a bit. On one hand I think it is reasonable as straight men and straight women have friends they are similar to so why shouldn't I but then my boyfriend thinks it is like a married man hanging out with a single woman and that it's just wrong.Would love your thoughts/opinions/advice.
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (8 March 2010):
 he is afraid you will leave him for other gay friends- if i were you i would feel a bit pissed off that he is trying to control you, there is no reason why you cannot make friends and have a life outside of your relationship. . i guess he doesn't have that much of a social life...
also you dont have to do EVERYTHING together -you're not joined at the hip. its almost as though he doesn't trust you
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 By the sounds of it, you are in a monogamous relationship.
The first rule of monogamy is that you only have sex with one person. The second rule of monogamy is that you never do anything that would potentially threaten the first rule.
Your partner likely feels that being friends with other gay men is a threat to your monogamy. Is there a way to structure your friendships such that it is not a threat to him? Spending time with your friends with him present?
If not, consider respecting his wishes.
-Frank Kermit
Author, Making Monogamy Work
http://www.franktalks.com
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A
female
reader, maddiee-maii +, writes (2 March 2010):
I see where u are coming from just talk to your new bf or take him along with you
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A
female
reader, BagLady  +, writes (2 March 2010):
You can have gay friends and your uneasy feelings are dead on. He is insecure and wants to control his insecurity by herding you away from things he can't handle. And you have to pose the question to him "Don't you trust me enough to be around other people of my choosing without jeopardizing our relationship?" It's either a yes or a no-if it's a no then you guys need to ask why from there. Unless you have been unfaithful with him (or others and he knows about it), you have not given him room to doubt you. But you also have to know that trust must be earned...if you are cut off from from all potential temptations-it does not make you trustworthy and he is not going to become anymore secure than he is. You also need to set healthy boundaries-you have been invited to a Bday party by a friend...go. It's just a social gathering...people all over the world (gay, straight, bi) attend birthday parties of people with the matching sexual orientation. It has nothing to do with morals. Get your friends back, your dude can't be your *everything*-you have a right to like who you like and be friends with who you want. You are accountable for your actions-which is a totally separate thing that friend-choosing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): Okay I can completly understand if there was a man that really liked you and was making all the attempts he could to draw you to him and in turn your boyfriend would not want you to be friends with him or be alone wih him. But this sounds more like an insecurity issue because he doesn't want to even have a friendship with any gay men. Maybe you should have a more in depth conversation with your boyfriend about this... or if you already have, would you maybe consider counseling or therapy? What he's saying just sounds odd. I mean I'm bisexual and in a straight relationship, and that would be like my boyfriend restricting my friendships to straight women only. See what I'm getting at... that would definitly pose a problem. I really think there are insecurity issues there, and I think right now he needs to know how much you love him and that you would never leave him for another man, or anyone for that matter. But counseling or therapy would be a really really good option if you have the means to do it. Best wishes to you and good luck with everything. I hope that helped.
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