A
female
age
41-50,
*orrina77
writes:I need help? My husband and I have been together for 7 years. And we have been married for only 4. I fell in love with him as a person and for his sense of humor. I never had a problem trusting him until the other night....I came home from my next door neighbors and he had been passed out(from working early morn shift).he left everything on my side of the bed. I found the phone and was already in bed so I didn't want to get up to get my phone from the other room, so I figured that I would just use his....I pulled up messenger to send my daughter an update on her dog that is ready to pass from cancer and I found a conversation...Between him and an old friend he worked with...this friend just so happens to be bisexual, the conversation is as followsHusband: ya I do want to come up we can go have some funFriend: you dont have to if you don't feel comfortableHusband: no i really want to we will have ALOT OF FUNFriend: you sure, dont you think you shouldnt be cheating on your wife..Husband: she is ok with it but she says she dint want to hear about it..Now keep in mind i had no clue this would happen. I need to know how to handle this would you consider this cheating or how am I supposed to handle this because im ready to freek out. I need advise or something....keep in mind he knows where I stand with the whole gay/lesbo crap.Not comfortable totally creeps out that subject.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 September 2015):
 So you are married to a guy who takes no responsibility for his actions, who blames you for his actions, and who seem to think his crap doesn't stink.
Sexting is never "harmless" fun. If it was oh so harmless why did he delete them? Why did he suddenly lock his phone?
I agree with Tisha - see a doctor, talk to an attorney and DECIDE what YOU want (not what he wants, YOU alone).
You say you still love him, but hate him in the same breath. So you have to decide which is stronger. And if what he did is a deal-breaker or not.
I would NOT be surprised if he HAS cheated on you already. The guy lied lied lied and then blame you about the sexting, you really think he would own up to having cheated?
It also seems like you two have some unfinished business. There is a reason you two aren't intimate any more. When did it start and what had happened in the relationship around the time it stopped?
YOU seem to think he is only with you, because he got you fired... 7 years ago. So what exactly makes you think that? And is that a new thought or did you think that back when you married him? You also say, I think I should never have gotten re-married... so you have doubts about the marriage, you can't trust him - what do you REALLY have?
Are you working now? Can you financially take care of yourself? If not, I'd suggest that besides getting a STD panel done, talking to a lawyer, that you GET a job. ASAP.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 September 2015):
 Don't leave the house without consulting a divorce attorney first, as that could be considered abandoning the domicile and could result in negative financial consequences for you in the divorce.
Obviously your husband is at the very least emotionally cheating on you; he may well have been physically unfaithful as well so do see your doctor for an STD work up. Be sure to convey to the doctor what you've learned about your husband's extramarital love life.
Your husband has chosen to go on the offense as his defense and you don't appear to be equipped to deal with it without extra help, so go get that help.
Attorney, doctor and document everything!
http://www.straightspouse.org should have some people in your situation too. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (4 September 2015):
 Well now you locked yourself in s box which is why I said not to confront. What did you get from confronting? Nothing except that you made it worse.
Now he will go out of his way to hide the fact that he cheats with men. This exposes you more to health danger and AIDS and has sealed the death on marriage.
The only thing that you have to go by is yourself. Whatever he told you means nothing and you should not accept it as something that you should set your life through. You need to find a way to escape this marriage because there is nothing in it for you. So if you can leave the house cold turkey then do so, go no contact and hire a lawyer to handle a divorce. You need to move on in life free of him.
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A
female
reader, corrina77 +, writes (4 September 2015):
corrina77 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for all the advice. I couldn't keep my mouth shut and I confronted him the other morning...
And he said that he was mad at me because I was spying on him. And made everything my fault. And he said that he wasn't doing anything wrong. He was in the right and since he didn't do anything that it was just harmless sexting between 2 people.
I asked him if he had ever cheated on me before? He said since they never had any contact that its not cheating!
He said that we never do anything anyway, so what's the point. I basically told him if he was gonna continue on this path that we never had a marriage and we need to get a divorce.
He said that nothing ever happened and that he loved me to much to leave. I called his bluff and said if he loved me like he said then why haven't we been intimate in months. No affection shown at all. I told him that the only reason he stays around is because he felt guilty for getting me fired 7 yrs prior.
He always kept telling me that "its not u its me." I said b.s. I really think that I never should of gotten re-married.
I was single for 8yrs after my divorce, till I met him.
And I fell like a fool. I told him that I wouldn't have to live life being damaged like that.
I would of taken it better if it was a female, but it want.it was a man. Oh and as far as keeping the text MSG goehere had them deleted. And now he has it locked so I can't see any conversations.
What should I do now, I still love him. And hate him all in the same breath. My sexual health is shattered and i don't know how to deal with this.
So far im not handling it very well. Help me im desperate need in advice.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (3 September 2015):
 Why not txt the friend yourself and let him know that you are not ok with this so called arrangement and would like to know whats going on? Chances are you'd get a far more honest response from someone who is unaware that they have been roped into a lie than you would the liar, which is your husband. Then I would give it a day or so for your husband to come clean before demanding an explanation. Relationship dynamics aside, your sexual health trumps all here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2015): First things first. Print screens and forward the messages to yourself before he deletes them.
Then decide whether you want to try save this marriage or not. If you want to save it, don't let him go through with it. Ask him what's up and why he's going to cheat. And see if he still wants to be with you.
Or if you are sure you're done with him. Let him set it up and get evidence. Hire a PI if you have to. At least then you get your fair share when you divorce.
Ps. It doesn't matter if he's cheating with a man or woman. He's cheating.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (3 September 2015):
He technically hasn't cheated yet although he has lined up the hookup. So if this was me I would let this play out, get a camera to find evidence once all that actually goes down then file a divorce.
Reason why I'm suggesting this is because your relationship with him is damaged heavily since he does not know how to control his sexual urges, and these homosexual ones are likely to emerge again in the future because in men they are powerful.
I venture to say that this is not his first hookup neither but it's probably the first one you ever found out in the 7 years you been with him. He is careless and is exposing you to dangerous STDs like AIDS.
You should look to cut your losses in this marriage ASAP.
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