A
male
age
30-35,
*ayalife
writes:I need help.My wife and I have been in heated arguments near the beginning of our marriage (we're going on 6 years) which led to abuse. Both physical and emotional. I love her to death and can't imagine ever losing her, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me... I hit her out of frustration from an argument and feeling destroyed on the inside because I never want to hurt her. I just don't know how to begin reassuring her that I will never lay a hand on her again, and if I do I will help pack her bags.She recently left home for a deployment and mentioned to me out of the blue that she is tired and does not think our marriage will last. All I want is to show her that I am the man that she deserves and what I've done in the past will never happen again. What do I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Kingu  +, writes (4 September 2015):
 What you did is very wrong and will cost you dearly there is not doubt about that. Anger management I think, is a must have. You must get your temper under control. But I also would day you must have been very angry to hit someone you love so much so what caused it. You two are both obviously very passionate people who are arguing enough. I think you would both benefit from going to couples counselling. Asking her to attend with you will perhaps go a long way to show her how much you want to change and help you be happier together.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2015): Could this be the hardest lesson you will learn NEVER hit a woman, physically emotionally or any way.I would like to think you could both work this out, but i would not blame her if she left. Nobody wants to live in fear in their own home with loved ones who abuse them. You need to seek anger management and take responsibility by understanding why you ever felt the need to hit a female especially one you love. You may have a lot of growing up to do before you can be a good husband. Please get help and become the man you re meant to be, not one of these monsters who bring so much misery and suffering to their families. Good Luck, come back a man and start again if you have to, get a good career as well to support a family.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (3 September 2015):
 There's no excuse for hitting another person-especially your spouse in anger. However, I see a positive in that you are asking for help. Look, your wife has deployed. Use the time the get Anger Management and Counseling help. Do this FOR YOU. Don't expect it to be the magic key that immediately fixes your relationship. But look at it more like a tool that will help you become a better man, a real man who is worthy of trust and love from a good woman. You've shattered her trust in you by hitting her. Think about it: an animal who is physically abused is not an animal that trusts. The decision lies with her. She'll decide whether or not she can take a chance with you again cause you broke your vows. Hitting her did not "honor and cherish" her. Again, there's hope in that you admit you have a problem. Now, work to fix it!!! As the others have said, words are terribly cheap. Only your actions will prove ultimately that you are truly serious. Good luck
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (3 September 2015):
 it is a very low ,low point when a man hits a woman. in a heated argument the best thing to do is walk away and cool off.
it will take time for wounds to heal, but she will never forget what you did by striking her.
she will have to see a change in you , a big change. maybe marriage counseling own your own would show her that you are working to save the marriage. going to a church would be in line also.
you will have to when her back , like you did when you dated her. do you remember how that was? maybe you need to put more effort into it also. good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 September 2015):
 If my husband hit me, EVER, It would be the end of the marriage. No amount of words or apologies can fix it.
ACTIONS might make her give you another chance, but words? Words are cheap.
You said she is about to deploy, so do you live in a military installation? If so, YOU need to seek anger management classes and you NEED to deal with you inability to control yourself when angry. If you are active duty as well, you can either talk to your 1st Sgt/training NCO or your Chaplain and GET YOU some help. If you are a spouse, Contact Military OneSource on the web or or call 800-342-9647 for information on counseling in your local area. It’s free and doesn’t have to be reported back to your spouse’s unit. I believe you can also use Military OneSource if you are active duty. So there is NO FRIGGING excuse to NOT get help and get yourself some tools to prevent more abuse and violence.
I have watched a few military spouses deal with an abusive husband. One couple divorced, one the soldier sought help and DEALT with the issue head on.
Words mean nothing to someone who's world just got shattered with a single hit.
So SHOW HER, that you take responsibility for your actions.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (3 September 2015):
 Why don't you learn how to control your conversation with her by being less emotional in an argument but more of an artist to stir the argument in your favor. That should keep you away from violence which, in domestic disputes, will actually make everything worse.
I think your wife is right that your marriage will likely not last if you continue to handle arguments the way you do. Being violent to her once is sufficient to establish a precedent of expectations and that means that you will likely do this again.
So to answer your question: no amount of words will change the fact that you've crossed the red line and you are a woman-beater. Besides learning how to be artful in arguments as oppose to violent, also learn how not to be a woman-beater by looking up some literature, self-help and men groups or even professional help.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (3 September 2015):
 Please correct me if I am wrong but your post mentions both past physical and emotional abuse through out the marriage. On who's part, have you been a victim of your wife because you write that you hit your wife as a result from an argument rather than I hit my wife when we argue. Just trying to get some perspective. In no way will I discount what you have done, however it does give some light as to why you may have snapped in that given moment. If this is not the case and you are the abuser then your first step is to seek help ASAP and your ASAP is NOW regardless if it is for her ,the marriage, yourself of society in general. Let her go in peace and don't hassle her until you have something worthwhile to show her. Like on going therapy sessions or professional anger management strategies etc. Actions speak louder than words and sorry means jack if you give her a false sense of security by keeping things at bay until once again your frustration lands another blow. Violence is a separate thing from the marriage itself, thats for you to take ownership of whereas the marriage needs a joint effort to get to the roots of whats going wrong. Should she no longer wish to fight the fight then showing her that you are sorry is also about respecting her decision and accepting that the marriage is over without making things hard for her. I'm afraid that sick feeling of guilt in your stomach is the same sick feeling of being her degraded and humiliated assault. Live with it, learn from it,never forget it.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (3 September 2015):
 I agree with Youwish..words cannot change what has transpired. The damage has already been done. You have started down a dark way and unless you get help IMMEDIATELY..the pattern more than likely will continue.
I detest men that hit...There's just no damn reason for a man to hit a woman. My ex husband hit me on numerous occasions and always promised it would never happen again. At first I believed him. He always said he didn't mean to hit me, he was sorry..etc. I'm sure he was and yet it would happen again.
In his case, most of the time he was not provoked by me, he would just get in a bad mood and hit me. I never knew when it was going to happen.
I began to fear for my life and the safety of our daughter. I filed for divorce, got a restraining order. He never learned.
I hope that you will realize that now is the time to get things under control. Get counselling, get anger management. Talk is cheap, words mean nothing unless you back them up. I think your wife has had it and I wouldn't expect her to take you back unless you can honestly show you are going to get help. You screwed up bud..you know it.
I know people get angry and say things and do things..but you NEVER hit a woman. NEVER. You walk away, you take a drive, you go to the gym. You don't hit.
Hope you see the light and do not ever hit a woman again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2015): From a woman who was hit by her husband there will never be anything you can do or say. The best thing you can do is leave or agree to divorce and make sure she has everything she needs financially to be ok.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 September 2015):
 Do you honestly think that mere words are enough?? Your words to her became utterly and completely worthless the moment you hit her. You think that saying "I'll never do it again" are any sort of solution?! Sounds like you've hit her before if you've said that some arguments are heated and have ended in physical and emotional abuse.
Most people don't hit other people out of frustration. They walk away. They take a drive. They talk things out. That is an unnatural response to frustration.
And honestly, you say that if you hit her again, you'll help her pack HER bags?! So, you do the hitting, and then you offer to kick HER out of the house. You should pack YOUR bags, pal. She should have called the police on you for assault, but guys who say things like you have tend to escalate and hit more once that enters the scene.
Your marriage is in serious trouble. You do not deserve her, or you'd be in intense therapy while she's on deployment. You need to do it anyways even if she doesn't come back. It would be a shame if you start dating other women, only to abuse them when you get frustrated.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2015): Let her be. I'd feel the same in her situation. What she deserves is a man that would never abuse her in the first place.
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