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Bummed out and annoyed at her lack of understanding!

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 February 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 21 February 2017)
A male Australia age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Hello!

It was valentines day yesterday as most of you know!

My Gf and I have been together for two years now and things have been well. Like most couples, we've had our ups and downs but we still love each other very much.

I am currently away for her on an internship in another country and yesterday I texted her at noon for about 40mins to wish her a happy valentines day. Afterwards I had a rather busy afternoon and kind-of forgot to talk to her until it was around 10-11pm (slightly inconsiderate I know) and she's been angry with me since. She claims that I haven't been thinking about her and that I don't really miss her when I do.

The other reason I forgot to pay too much attention was because we're going to see each other again in a week and a half and I've had lots of things planned for her like flowers, picnic, massages and even a bracelet. We agreed to celebrate valentines day then.

Anyways, I feel really bummed out now but also fairly annoyed at her lack of understanding. If I try to make it up to her am I being a bit too much of a pushover?

Edward

View related questions: flowers, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (21 February 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI think your girlfriend thinks more off Valentines than you do, which is fair enough. Her expectations where high. I mean why could she not have called you? A relationship does work both ways. I guess she felt disappointed. But she is acting childish now being in a bad mood about it. Is it possible that she is unhappy in the relationship and this was just another thing to make her unhappy? If she cannot talk to you about how she feels then that is worrying. I don't think you have anything to make up for to be honest. Maybe sending her a card would have been nice but you have made plans so carry them out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2017):

Mmmmm, I disagree with most of the others. You weren't too busy, you forgot.

The aunts on here saying that this day is like every other day and this one is artificial are right, but they are in stable relationships and have been together a long time. THEY are safe and secure in the love of their partners. Your girlfriend is not. Two years is WAY too soon to forget about contacting your girlfriend on Valentine's Day. You are away from her. She needs to know that you are thinking about her, miss her and care about her.

I'd be pissed too. You are not with her and you forgot about her on Valentine's Day until too late in the evening. She feels as if she isn't a priority and to be honest, I don't think she is. You FORGOT!

If you love her and want to make her happy and this kind of contact and consideration is important to her, then yes I think you should make amends big time!

I hope that when it comes to the things that are important to YOU in a relationship, that she is also considerate of this. Read 'The Five Languages of Love'. Things that are important to some are not important to others and vice versa. This is important to her. And if SHE is important to you......get it fixed.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 February 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI'm 100% with Auntie Anonymous 123,

Same school of thought here. LOVE and showing LOVE & affections are NOT just for Feb. 14th it's a 365 event thing. It's in the little things.

I know you two will be meeting up soon but that doesn't mean you should slack on contact, it will make her feel like "out of sight out of mind". Instead, I'd say FIND little things to do (if possible) EVERY day to show her you are thinking of her and care. When people are in an LDR it's SO easy for it to become routine. And we all know routine is just not "sexy" or "exciting" after a while - so mix it up.

Do I think you did wrong in not making a big deal out of St. Valentine's Day? No. But... I'm also NOT dating you. YOU need to pay attention to the NEEDS of your GF WITHOUT putting yourself last EVERY time.

There are websites that offer FREE - e-cards and plenty of sites where you can find a CUTE picture JUST for her that you could have sent to her via e-mail or text. Know what I mean? Yes, you have a lot of sweet romantic stuff planned for NEXT week, but that doesn't mean you can't show a little effort THIS week.

And, yes I DO think your GF is being a little overdramatic. And I think that is because she BUYS into the whole notions of St. Valentine's Day being this SUPER romantic lovey dovey thing. Some women do. You may not and thus my advice would be to find a compromise that works for BOTH of you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2017):

"Like most couples, we've had our ups and downs . . ."

Most couples don't have "ups and downs" as they enjoy a stable, mature, loving relationship and whatever disagreements they may have are quickly resolved in an atmosphere of mutual consideration and respect, and they give each other the necessary time and space to pursue their own individual interests and goals.

As an older person I wasn't burdened by today's technology when I was your age so I don't understand some people's need for frequent communication and immediate responses. I may be out of touch, but I believe there are times and places when texting or calling is inappropriate and rude. If she had nothing to do other than sit around and wait for you to call then I would tend to see that as a sign of a potentially unhealthy dependence on you.

"If I try to make it up to her am I being a bit too much of a pushover?"

No, but you will be enabling such self-centered behavior, and besides I don't think you have to apologize for anything because when (if) she what you planned for her and realizes the effort you made made on her behalf (unlikely, I know) she'll be the one who owes an apology that you shouldn't expect.

You have a full life and she should appreciate (but probably won't) that you are working very hard to build a future that at this point still includes her.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (15 February 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntEdward I'm a lot older than you and I belong to the school of thought where if you love someone then every day is Valentine's day. You don't need a single day to celebrate your love. When I wished my husband in the morning and just to pull his leg asked him why he hadn't wished me first, he replied, "oh is that today? Oh well, every day is your day and I don't need to tell you in a cheesy way that I love you. Do you really want me to be artificial? Come on, you know what you mean to me. Nevertheless, Happy wife's day!"

And that was our Valentine's day!

I personally feel that there's way too much emphasis on a day which has been popularized by Hallmark and chocolate companies for commercial reasons.

Anyway, your girlfriend's being a little childish really. Is she generally insecure? If it's just a tantrum then it should blow over soon.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (15 February 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI think she's being a bit unfair. You were busy and couldn't talk to her more, that's all. Only "make it up to her" by trying to contact her a little more, but don't grovel. Apologise once more, short and basic "I'm sorry I was unable to contact you more", but not again after that.

My boyfriend and I are long distance. We don't normally celebrate it, but we do try to spend time together video chatting. We were going to do it over a couple of nights, so it would add up to 4 - 6 hours.

Unfortunately, the night before Valentine's Day, he'd volunteered to help at a dance for people with special needs and didn't get back until 11pm. He had class the next day, so we only got to have a quick phone call. I understood, but I did get a little sad that others were able to celebrate and he even helped out at a Valentine's dance, but I was left by myself being unable to even spend an hour with him.

Perhaps, like me, your girlfriend just got wrapped up in seeing others celebrate it together and felt disappointed. That said, it should blow over in the next day or two, otherwise she's being a bit irrational.

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