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Brokenhearted by his lies but still in love!!

Tagged as: Friends, Love stories, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 February 2007) 2 Answers - (Newest, 8 February 2007)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I've known this guy for 10 years and we were supposed to have something back then. However, we didn't and continued on with our separate lives, all the while having other relationships. Over the years, we remained in touch and friends, but we always had something between us that was unfinished.

Ten years later, we ran into each other again and decided to hang out, catch up as friends. He confessed that he still had feelings for me and pursued the idea of us having something, despite my desire to be alone because I had recently come out of a long-term relationship. I finally caved because I did have strong feelings for him and I didn't want to miss out on the opportunity once again. It was a wonderful 4.5 months. We both unexpectedly fell for each other, hard. I was actually able to see myself with this guy forever in that short period of time.

He and I even talked about marriage, family, being soulmates, etc. It was a fairytale love story and we were a match made in heaven. But recently, I figured out and confronted him that he lied to me about his age (he's actually 11 yrs older than me instead of 2) and that he has a wife that he has been separated from for 3 yrs and has 2 kids!

I was completely in shock and just devastated. He says his marriage was an impulsive mistake from the beginning and the lies just snowballed. All the while, I thought he was still this single younger guy. It breaks my heart that I considered all these wonderful thoughts with him and he already had all those experiences with someone else and I feel like such a fool.

He has been greatly apologetic but claims his feelings are genuine and that he had failed attempts tell me (there were times that he did try, now that I look back at it) but was just a coward because he wanted to be my everything. He realizes he has been selfish because he was in this fantasy world with me and realizes the baggage that he has and says he knows it's too much to even ask of me.

He says he's in love with me and I'm still so very much in love with him. I'm completely heartbroken though.. I don't know if I should try to get over this and give it a chance to have something with him despite the great pain it's caused me, or if I should just not tolerate this and cry on my way to moving on. I'm still in my twenties, he's in his thirties. I'm not afraid that I won't find anyone, I'm just afraid I won't find what he and I had. It's so rare and I've never felt that way about anyone else. He says he's going to file an official divorce whether or not we have something, and that if we could, he wants to have that life with me, make me his priority and have that romantic love life that he and I both dream of. I'm so lost and torn. I don't know what I should do.

I'm not sure if I can get over the fact that he's already had these first experiences of marriage and fatherhood. I'm so sentimental that I wanted him and I to share these experiences together. Or should I just appreciate that I found someone this special for me, despite the circumstances? If anyone has any thoughts or enlightenment on this, I would greatly appreciate it. I gravely need some advice. Thank you, 'brokenhearted me'

View related questions: divorce, heartbroken, period, soulmate

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I'm not sure if I can handle knowing he has had a wife and kids already... I think it might be a hassle dealing or being exposed to an ex-wife or kids from someone else. It's a sad reminder that I can't ever be his first prospective wife ("forever partner"). I know it may sound selfish or shallow but I'm such an idealist, I don't want the person I am with to have any of that. I want to be that first serious everything (wife and mother of their children). Although, I think I would be much more open this idea when I am much older and finding someone with baggage is more common. Should I try to forget him? Do you think this will eat me alive? Or should I try to make this a meaningful relationship?

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (7 February 2007):

AskEve agony auntHe did try to tell you a number of times but was just frightened that it would make you run. He probably knows how sentimental you are and just didn't want to risk it. He would also know though that we was not being entirely straight with you and I'm sure that would have been eating away at him.

You don't say how you found out but you did. You can't do anything about the past but you can about the future. This guy seems genuinely crazy on you and I'm sure he's just glad it's all out in the open now. You say you wanted to go through those experiences together, those of marriage and being a parent. There's no reason why you still can't do this in the future.

If you do ever marry him it will still be a wonderful experience for him. He's marrying his soul mate, the woman he's loved for years and if you ever have kids together it will still be a unique experience for you both as you both would have made them... TOGETHER!

If you truly love this man (and I think you do) then I would forgive him and start again with a clean slate! Ask him if there is anything else you should know about him before you continue with the relationship. Then just continue to be together and grow closer together as lovers and soul mates.

The age gap is nothing and I certainly wouldn't worry about that, it's the person inside that counts and now that you know how old he is, that doesn't change the person he is or how he feels about you! Love is all about forgiveness from both sides. I would definitely give him another chance, if you don't you might be making the biggest mistake of your life.

Eve

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