A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend if 3 years is really starting to get me down and I feel stuck. He loses his temper easily, gets verbally aggressive when I try to give my opinion and blows things of by saying " I don't want to hear you anymore, I'm not talking to you". There's name calling involved. He can also be so passive Aggressive. He thinks if I want to do something on my own it is me being selfish. He thinks everything has to be us. We can't excercise at different times etc.Everytime I try to express how his behaviour makes me feel, he becomes cruel as says that its the things I say that get him so angry. He also thinks he doesn't have an anger problem. For example, today I opened up some meat from the fridge and he asked me if it smelt off. I said it did. He then started shouting and slammed the meat box on the kitchen counter. He started saying that he doesn't think it has gone off and slammed the meat box of the counter again. I asked him not to do that cause it's aggressive and he got annoyed. He said that there was nothing wrong with his actions. I feel like I can't tell him my opinion in case it differs his. We can't seem to have calm grown up discussions. He doesn't seem to care or understand how he makes me feel. He seems to think that his tone of speech and what he says is normal. For some reason I love him but his behaviour is getting really out of hand. How do I sort this out?? It's hard to consider leaving him. I know that if I tried to he would apologies and say all the things I want to hear. I'll cave in and feel like everything is ok.
View related questions:
confidence Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (5 October 2015):
 This is not an anger disorder. He's using this anger deliberately to control you. You said that "nothing can be us", meaning he's using anger and intimidation to get you to do what he wants. *HE* wants.
Why can't you do something on your own?
Why can't you exercise on your own time apart from him?
Why can't you have a separate identity from him with your own opinions?
An anger disorder deals with his inability to control his anger. He can control his alright. He's using it to break you down, manipulate, and control you.
When you "try" to leave, he simply controls you in a different way - through conciliation. That's called "conditioning", and he's succeeded with you.
People don't "try to" move out. They do it or they don't do it. You could simply call your parents, friends, relatives, or even a shelter if you got desperate enough, or if you make your own money, you can arrange a new living space without even telling him. He could come home from work to find you packed and gone without having to listen to him.
He's beyond a bully. YES, he bullies you, but he is outright controlling you. Usually it's a dominance thing or an insecurity thing with him, and it ALWAYS escalates without him admitting it and getting help for it.
He doesn't respect you because you don't have teeth. If you tell him to knock it off or you're done, and you don't follow through, then you've lost his respect, even if it was him that manipulated you.
You're far from trapped. You have the ability to get out. Unless he's threatened to kill you or harm you, you can choose. You didn't mention if you have kids, but you can file for child support through the courts to help care for a kid, and getting him away from a guy who shouts and verbally abuses you would be in his or her best interest anyways.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 October 2015):
 Apologizing doesn't mean he won't do it again, and again, and again.
Apologizing means (for him) that you will shut up and get with the program and not call him aggressive.
The guy is a bully.
As you two live together makes it harder for you to "just leave" but really, can you imagine this guy as a father? As a husband? (considering the FACT that HE WILL NOT change)
THIS is who he is. So you have to decide if you want to stay with a guy like that or not.
If you don't - then you need to consider next step, which would be GET your ducks in a row. Find a place to lice/stay that you can afford, get help moving, remove your name from all shared bills/papers, change all your passwords (that he might know) and then tell him and move.
There is NOTHING you can do or say that will make him ACCEPT that he is in the wrong here with his attitude. I know you hope for a "magical" fix and all will be better. There isn't one for this. Only FIX there is, is for YOU to leave him and move on, to learn from this and not accept that in the future either.
THIS is NOT your fault that he behaves this way. YOU didn't "make" him act this disrespectful abusive way.
If you STAY with him however, he might SEE you staying as YOU accepting him and how he treats you.
So think on it. And act accordingly.
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (4 October 2015):
 He may have an anger disorder. Look into intermittent explosive disorder symptoms. These often come along with other things like bipolarity, autism or manic depression. Solution to this widespread problem is not talking and reasoning with the patient but getting him medicated.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 October 2015):
 You've described an abusive bully. WHY would you spend more than another MINUTE with - or, near - him??????
Good luck...
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (4 October 2015):
 I think ?getting out of the relationship is a real option. Do you know why he has anger problems? Are drugs involved? Is he stressed out from work? What do you think is the matter?
If it is unfathomable; do you really not know why he keeps losing it? Are you prepared to see this escalate.
Without more info' it's difficult to know what to tell you.
...............................
|
