A
female
age
30-35,
*orelai
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months. We're in a really happy relationship except for one thing. On occasion he has told me that I'd look better if I lost half a stone. He also tells me frequently (in a jokey way but I see a serious undertone) that all his ex's have been petite and blonde. (Whereas I'm 9 stone 5"5 and brunette) and that that's the kind of girl he likes.Now, I know I'm not fat. I'm really not and I've already lost 2 stone in the past 2 years, I'm the thinnest I've ever been! However, I don't shop in the petite section and I don't think I ever will.When he makes these comments (which really isn't often) I get visibly upset. He immediately regrets it and spends the next week telling me I'm perfect for him and he wouldn't change me.I've tried talking to him about it and he always says he wishes he didn't say what he did and that he didn't mean it but I just don't know if I believe him. So I wanted to turn to you guys... what is going on in his head and what do you think I should do? Am I over reacting?
View related questions:
his ex, petite Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (19 November 2013):
 Here's an interesting detail about guys.....
When we find a girl who will put out for us....our brain goes haywire.... and we, sometimes, say things that we know, darn-well are stupid, and insulting, and should be grounds for that girl, who is putting out for us, to dump our sorry a$$. HOWEVER....
.... often, the girl who is putting out for us, is so enamored of the attention that she gets from us that she gives us a "pass" for our asinine behaviour... and justifies it for us... with the result that we CONTNUE to get s*x with her.... simply by offering a sincere-sounding apology....
What girls DON'T know.... is that we guys usually say these stupid things because we MEAN them..... AND, the unfortunate girl who gives us the "pass" doesn't learn - until much later - that she has given us that "pass"... AND that we interpret that "pass" to mean that she doesn't really give a darn about herself.... so much as she gives a darn about having a sort-of good "boyfriend"... who, in many ways is pretty nice... but who.... underneath it all.. still craves that slinky little blonde or redhead who is our REAL "ideal girl".....
Don't fall for his B/S. Get a better boyfriend.... This one has "tipped his hand"... and you're letting him get away with it....
Good luck....
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 November 2013):
 I know exactly what's going on here. This guy has a BAGGAGE issue. He's hung up on someone else (or the idea of someone else), most likely a girlfriend in his past, and he now views that as an idea. He's wanting you to be made in THAT image, then regretting trying to mold you, then wrestling with it.
Either way, he's not letting go, and therefore there is nothing you can possibly do to help, and you shouldn't anyway. He needs to get over his ex, and his past. All of his exes are petite and blonde? You'll never be either. You are brunette and statuesce. His type is molded by his exes.
He has baggage that is unsurmountable unless he does something. But you need to say goodbye to him, because his trying to get you to be someone else, especially an ex, is insulting.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): I'm more concerned about what's going on in your head. You know you don't really have a weight problem. You have an insensitive boyfriend. That's the problem.Put your foot down. Tell him that you don't appreciate the comments about your weight. If it's not a problem stop, bringing it up. How would he like it if you told him his penis was too small, or ugly compared other guys? I'm not suggesting you do that, I'm making a point. Truthfully, he is making comparisons between you and the other girls. That's because he needs to be educated on how wrong it is to criticize someone that way; then pretend it he didn't mean it. Bull! He's being a dick! He's being critical and trying to avoid your emotional reaction. If he doesn't care for your weight, he should say it and mean it. If it's not a problem; then quit being a jerk.You can decide if you want to lose the guy, or the weight. It's your call. It's your body. He's going to keep slipping it in there every now and then; until you let him know it's insulting. You can't get all girly and teary about it. Be tough. Stand up for yourself.He's attacking your self-esteem and that's a low blow. Don't take that from any guy! You should be appreciated for who you are. Even if you were a blob; if he was okay with it when he met you; that's the way it will be until you decide you want to change yourself. For yourself!If you do your hair to please him, wear pretty clothes for him, smell nice, and you're always on your best behavior when you're with him. That's enough!Even a husband has boundaries when it comes to your self-esteem. Constructive criticism should come in earnest; and delivered with sincerity and sensitivity. If he feels you're getting too chubby, have the balls to be straight forward. Stop being sneaky and hurting your feelings.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 November 2013):
 OK I can maybe see dumb fella can mention his preference and his desire for YOU to lose weight, ONCE. But this is not a one time incident, this is him whittling at your self confidence. There is nothing wrong with your height or your weight. And I bet you neither with your personality.
If I were you, I would tell him if he bring it up one more time (as a joke or otherwise) it's over.
I'm SURE there are things about him that aren't PERFECT either. Maybe you prefer dark tall and handsome and he is shorter and blond..
For him to tell you in a round about way that you ARE NOT good enough is stupid of him, if he wants skinny blonds, he should GO DATE one of them then.
Sorry that would not be OK with me.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 November 2013):
What's going on in his head is pretty obvious: he has a "type" and you're not it by the strictest sense. That doesn't mean he's not attracted to you by any means.
It's just as if you watch a movie and the actor takes his shirt of and is perfectly muscular. If that's your thing it'll get you excited, but that doesn't mean your boyfriend is fat/ugly, it means that he'd be even more attractive if he had that kind of a body.
Your bf obviously isn't the most sensitive guy in the world, but I'm sure he's attracted to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 November 2013):
 You are 5'5" you will never shop in petites.. you are too tall to be petite....
as for your weight... 7 pounds (half a stone) would barely show... your bf is a jerk.
he may have a "type" but he may prefer you... just ignore his comments on weight but first you tell him that it's no longer a topic of discussion. Then you tell him you will give him ONE MORE LAST CHANCE..
And if he mentions it again you look at him and say "I said the subject was closed and if you mentioned it again the relationship will have to be over. I deserve to be treated with respect of all aspects of me and your comments about my weight are NOT respectful or loving or welcome."
Then you gather your things and you leave.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): I don't know what he's smoking, but you don't need to lose another single pound! I'm 5'5" like you, and I weight a lot more than you, (around 150 pounds, although some of it is muscle). I still look thin, and wear a U.S. size 6. It sounds to me like he's dated too many starved blondes if he thinks a 126 pound, average height woman needs to lose weight. Now, if you were 4'10" and weighed 126, then I could possibly see his point of view, but that would be the only way. His standard of beauty isn't likely to change...so more than likely you will have to change guys. There are plenty of guys out there who don't want to feel bones when they hug you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): Lorelai the guy is complete fool but I don't necessarily think he's intentionally being an asshole.
Now he is to either accept you the way you are or he can piss off it's that simple.
What a stupid and deeply hurtful thing to say, not even funny as a joke and bordering on mental abuse.
He's basically not only told you you're not good enough but he's said his exes are better, he has told you more than once you're not his type and he wants you to change. I personally would dump his ass because that to me is abuse. And he does the mean/sweet thing too. Puts you down, makes you feel like shit then acts all sweet for a few weeks too.
Forget what I said at the start OP, he hasn't stopped, so it is intentional and insults veiled as jokes are very clearly designed to put you down and attack your confidence.
Tell him all this OP, and tell if you're not good enough then leave. Tell him seriously face to face if he ever puts you down like that in any way ever again he's gone.
To be honest with you though OP, knowing he feels this way and knowing deep down you're not really his type is never going to get easier to deal with. You need to really think long and hard whether this is something you can move beyond because while he may never say it again, you know no matter what he says deep down it's how he feels. I couldn't live with that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): Your bf is a true blue jerk. he doesn't deserve you.
If he wish to be with someone your not then your better off without him.
Don't allow him making you feel insecure.
You know what to do, I say Do, It, Now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Charee +, writes (19 November 2013):
Lorelai,I do not think that you are overreacting. I would be hurt as well – especially with how much attention is given in the media to “being thin”. This is a bit off focus and I’m sure you know this as well but, beauty has nothing to do with looks. Audrey Hepburn stated: “I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”Don’t limit yourself. It says online that you are between the ages of 22 and 25. You, and I as well, are young!!! From your writing, you seem like a selfless, mature, genuine person. You brought up something your boyfriend does that hurts you and you did so in a way that didn’t insult him. You are humble and you are a “catch.”You can take my advice or leave it – I’m giving my opinion with the best intentions. But darling, you are in the “honeymoon stage” of your relationship. You don’t have a commitment to him in the sense that it is still a new relationship, that you aren’t married, and that your current boyfriend might not be the ONE for you. I just want you to know that you have options. It’s so easy to want your current relationship to be the last. Don’t limit yourself in that sense.Most importantly, you only have today – this life. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. You matter most. You have to love yourself in order to love anyone else. In a serious relationship, he should love you through your flaws. You should love him through his as well. If YOU want to lose weight, do it for you, not him. Regardless of it you want to or not, your boyfriend shouldn’t be comparing you to past relationships. It may be more of an image to him than a committed relationship. For me, when I am facing a difficult decision, I try to put it in God’s hands. It’s so very difficult to do and, if you aren’t religious, I’m not trying to convert you. But, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that there is a purpose your current boyfriend was put into your life, or you into his. However, I also believe that you may be on different maturity levels. You don’t have to make a decision to continue in the relationship or not. If you want to hangout with friends instead of him because you think there is a chance they could make you happier – Go do that! Laugh and have fun. Don’t let the image that the media portrays as the only kind of beautiful slow you down. The media isn’t right. When time passes anyways, it isn’t going to be your looks that will people will see, but your inner beauty. If you want to be healthier, I have had success on Weight Watchers. You don’t have to pay any money, there are tools online and you can eat whatever. No special diet. You will pick foods with more fiber and watch serving sizes. You can still have that piece of cake too. I also really like www.dailyhiit.com. They are difficult workouts but they only take 12 minutes and you see results. You just feel good after working out anyways. Also, they have many interesting articles that they post. Taylor Swift even got bashed at the Victoria’s Secret Angel show – apparently she doesn’t “have what it takes.” I’m not much of a fan of her music, but she is gorgeous. People are mean.Hang in there darling. Don’t let what he says crumble any part of your happiness. It isn’t worth it. Good luck and you’ll be in my thoughts. :)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): He is out of order to say things like that to you if he doesn't like how you are he should not be with you and you deserve better. Maybe you should tell him in a jokey way that you wish his penis was bigger see how he likes those apples
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (19 November 2013):
 So let me get this straight. You're 5'5" and weigh 126 pounds but your boyfriend would prefer it if you lost another 7?
Well, perhaps you are carrying around a little extra weight you don't need so I say lose HIM. Problem solved.
Or, you could say, in the same way he commented about your weight, that it would be nice if he was a couple of inches longer. Let him chew on that for a while.
Tell him if he mentions your weight, or any other woman's or even hints about it, he's history. No more explanations or discussions.
OP, unless the meaning of 'stone' changed while I was asleep, you have a great figure and you're where you should be. Physically anyway. Mentally you could use some toning up because you're perspective of yourself is rather warped.
...............................
|
